Re: Was I anally raped?
I am SO sorry that you've had this painful, humiliating, and degrading experience. Only you know whether or not you were "raped," and I use quotation marks " " because there is a legal definition, and a moral definition.
What might be important to note here is that the boyfiend expresses a distinct interest in abusing and objectifying women. Blaming you for his actions is a very, very typical behavior of an abuser.
If it were me (and, it has been), I would go to the emergency room, immediately, seek medical attention, and tell anyone who will listen what happened. It sounds as if you are living with a typical abuser, and it will never, ever, ever "get better." He is violent and volatile, and you cannot "save" this person or "help" him. He is what he is, and you are NOT responsible for his abuse. It will only get more violent and degrading until you'll wake up one morning as a complete shell of a human being and wonder where your life went. I know this from personal experience.
Check out the websites, below, to confirm that you are being abused, and do something about it. You are precious in this vast Universe, and nobody can take your place. You are valuable just as you are and it is far, far better to be without a partner and sort ourselves out so that we can pick and choose a healthy partner that will enhance our lives, not define it.
Please.........please, please............you sound as if you are young enough to take this terrible experience as a wakeup call and make your own Self the most important thing on this planet before some man. You do not have to tolerate anything to "hold onto" or please anyone. You are precious to this world, and you just don't know it, yet, or you don't believe that you deserve better. You have an option to take the route of self-love and self-worth rather than taking the path of self-loathing and abuse as I did. It's a dark, dark, dark path with an abuser, and an almost impossible cesspool to wade out of. But, once you're out, you never have to go back.
Brightest blessings to you