Re: Mystery Disorder/Disease

Hello,

Well I've begun to realize that this is something far beyond supplements or medications. My state is progressively getting worse and the supplements just aren't doing it anymore. I don't have a f***ing clue as to what is going on.

I'm about 6 weeks into T.R.T. and my test levels are much better (Total T in the 700s) than they were and I don't feel any different. I in fact feel worse. My free T is moderately above the high range so maybe I'll tone that down, I don't know. I don't have any competent doctors on this subject that could intelligently advise me. I'm told it can take 3+ months for me to actually feel anything and I'm hoping so bad that it will help me. So another 6 weeks to determine how much this is really affecting me.

I got a Lyme Western Blot from Quest that all turned out negative, though I was told to expect that as the Quest Lyme panels are awful and give a lot of false negatives. If I had about $200 I could do the IGeneX test and put that to rest once and for all. Maybe I'll do that eventually.

I was approved to get an MRI with contrast and it's in the pre-authorization stage so that will be huge for me I think. It's impossible that that wont pick something up for me, this really feels like straight up brain damage.

I also talked to a new doctor at my new location and she was very interested in my situation and actually listened to me. She's very enthusiastic about helping me figure this out, she says she enjoys a challenge like this. That made me feel a bit odd but we both have similar goals in this. She wrote some labs up for some allergy tests but my insurance doesn't cover it, so I wont be getting those. She did allow me a prescription of Ritalin which I'm using sparingly. I did get a script for Adderall and it gave me the same kind of Depression that Vyvanse did so we'll see how Ritalin stacks up. Felt some real relief the first day @ 20mg. Day 2 @ 10 mg and I'm feeling pretty spaced out at the end of the day.

I'm just so defeated at the moment. I see everyone just walking around nonchalantly having pleasant conversation enjoying their day without worry, just effortlessly being themselves. I can't relate to that at all. I live in a mental hell. It's so f***ed up that I have to experience this, it is so inhumane. I don't get a moment of rest from this. People that have stressful lives at least get to come home and unwind and shut their brains off for a bit. Every moment of my existence is suffering and confusion. The fact that I have no idea what's going on, no clear sign of cause, and the doctors are clueless just compounds this problem so much more. Sometimes it makes me wonder if it's even real, like it's just in my head. But no, it's very real, and very terrifying. I don't know what this is going to progress into. Nobody is helping me. I go to the doctor and they're sympathetic then I just leave and am left on my own again, off to suffer some more and Google research until I can't stand it anymore. If I could just have a clear head for like 24 hours I could restructure so many things causing me mental anguish. My mind keeps trying to behave like nothing is wrong and it's so difficult. I think I just take myself too seriously for some reason, like I HAVE to be that normal successful person that I was going to be. Like it is NOT OK to have gotten sick. I have so many passions that I can't follow anymore, so many things I wanted to do and accomplish. I never knew suffering like this could exist. I can't even imagine what people going through worse feel like. I really think my ego exacerbates it quite a bit, I'm trying so hard to hide this from the world and just plow through. I dunno.

I'm sorry guys I'm not usually one to complain in this manner but it's just so bad. It's really hard to deal with. I just needed to vent somewhere where they might understand my situation. I can't talk with anyone in my real life about this. If I could just find a god damned diagnosis I could maybe tell people what's going on and they'd understand.

So I suppose I just wanted to update for anyone who was curious, and to log my current status. Usually if I typed something like this I'd delete it after I got my feelings out but I think I'm going to keep it and see what you guys think. I don't allow myself to be upset about this enough, I don't let myself complain or appear weak or vulnerable. I thought that was a strength but in this case I think it's holding me back. I think talking to a counselor might do me some good. Tweet