Re: getting past my past

Imma, again, I'm so sorry that you were victimized and that the abuse that was perpetrated against you was dismissed.  This behavior by family members is very, very typical, and very, very damaging for the victim. 

It is not "horrible" to feel a sense of relief when an abuser dies.  The sad fact is that an abuser's death doesn't bring the victim any type of closure.  There's no vindication for the victim, especially when family members are enabling the abuse and the abuser by pretending it never happened.  From my own personal experiences, the death of the abuser only exacerbated the PTSD symptoms until they were unmanageable. 

Again, I firmly and gently suggest that you sort out trauma counseling with a licensed professional that specializes in rape, abuse, and childhood sexual abuse.  The counseling will require time, patience, work, and.........trust.  You might need to try a few counselors to find a good fit for yourself - a "good fit" will be someone that probably has a few years of practice under their belt and helps you to process your experiences.  A strong trauma counselor does not have their clients come in every other week to talk about how someone in the office used up all of the coffee creamer.  Everyday issues can be dramatically impacted by our past experiences and, particularly, PTSD symptoms - we can lose our tempers, make decisions based upon fear, and other behaviors that are part-and-parcel of surviving abuses.  But, strong counseling involves exposing the traumas and processing them in a safe and healthy manner. 

Also, I would suggest you visit the following sites for a bit more information about what you experienced, how your family members failed you (and, the other victims), and resources and techniques on recovering from your dreadful experiences:

www.familyarrested.com             

www. rainn.org

www.180rule.com

www.thehotline.org

Calling your local rape hotline will help put you in touch with resources available in your area - counselors, group support, etc. 

Best wishes to you