Re: getting past my past

I am very sorry that you were so horribly abused - child sexual abuse will (without fail) taint a human being's perception of themselves, relationships, healthy sexual relationships, self-esteem, self-worth, etc. 

If you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD (which, it could be that you are), these symptoms aren't just going to disappear.  Typically (not for everyone, but in most cases) the symptoms become chronic and acute.  Flashbacks, insomnia, oversleeping, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, behavioral disorders...........the best and most effective way to begin tackling this and managing it is to seek professional help with a licensed counseling therapist that specializes in childhood sexual abuse and trauma. 

You may have to visit a few different therapists before you find one that is going to get down to the dirt and help you process your experiences and help you to rebuild your perceptions and rewire your thinking processes. 

BEWARE of anyone - any therapist, practitioner, or guide - that insists that they are the only ones who can lead you to recovery and healing, AND anyone who insists that it's going to be easy.  There is no "easy" or "painless" path to recovery - there isn't.  But, knowing that at the outset will help embolden you to face it all down, and bolster your resolve and courage.  Knowing that there is no such thing as a one-and-done "cure" for such terrible trauma is just a fact, not an opinion.  It takes work and focus. 

What happened to you was legally defined as a crime.  You didn't do anything to deserve it, and the person (people) that harmed you is inhuman.  He isn't "sick" and he's not "suffering."  YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. 

www.rainn.org

www.familyarrested.com

www.180rule.com

Brightest and most sincere blessings to you as you begin your recovery and healing processes.

Side note - be very cautious about how much detail you include in posts or blogs.  There really are people out there that "get off" from reading sexually explicit content, especially if the subject involves children.