Hi! I believe I understand your feelings. I come from a very similar environment. It is hard to talk to any friends that you may have because you feel that they may shun you. I kicked the crap out of my father when I was 16. Tell that to your friends. You may well be supprised at the number of sympathetic ears that you will find. There are help groups that are just for the purpose of venting. When a dog is taken to a junk yard to become the watch dog, it is treated very poorly. Once the dog exibits the behaviour desired by the owner it is fed and maybee petted. We are ALL animals first. Then human beings. The case with the dog being that it only knew love as being beaten and in general treated like shit. As humans we act the way we are conditioned but by observation we know we should be and act different. Better some how.I have found that ones own embaresment and comfort zone keeps them from growing. A comfort zone is the place where we are most comfortable mentally. Your first response to that comment will be< I'm not comfortable feeling this way. The truth of the matter is that you are in denial! Not wanting to be comfortable and not being comfortable are two different things. It is hard to accept that we are so used to feeling like crap that it is the only feeling we are capable of dealing with. Just the thought that someone else might find out what kind of person we are. Actually!! We are (you included) very warm, wonderfull, caring, sharing people with jokes to tell and lafter to share. You are that person. As scary as it is, start sharing. Slowly at first. Little things. Hinting of possibly slightly bigger things to share. You will be amazed at the compassion of some people. I say some. Many actually. Some with worse stories than yours. You are a beautiful person and are ready to start sharing. That is why you have come to the web. Soon you will be talking to strangers. Sharing the joys of life as well as the sorrows is what makes us human. I personally am a Christian. No. Life is not wonderfull for me. But it is great. With much hope for the future!!. One must see them selves as happy and light hearted before they can become the same. Focus only on the happy. That is to say, Listen to light hearted music. Know the words so you are not being bombarded with negative messages unknowingly. Hang out with positive happy people. You don't even have to talk to them. Just be near them. Soak it up like you do the sun on a warm day. Set in the sunlight whenever possible. Watch only TV (Programming) that is of a positive and uplifting nature. We are what we eat. Meaning. Negative thought breeds negative. Positive thought and actions breed positive results. There will be set backs but always focus on the positive. Love is everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!! Share yourself!