Energetic Parasites

I went to see Alice Worral one time, who is a psychic. I took a tape recorder with me because I wanted to record what she had to say. Alice said that I was perfectly welcome to try recording the session. She certainly doesn't mind, but nobody else has ever been able make a recording of her, because the tape recorder always breaks. Of course, I had try anyway. And sure enough, my tape recorder broke. Alice said she doesn't know why things like that happen, but they do.

Several years later I was living with a nice man named Joe and we needed a stereo. He did the research and I raised the money. Then we went shopping and bought the best sound system money could buy. He picked it out. Well for some reason that stereo liked him, and not me. It would NOT work for me. I would push the button, and push the button, and push the button, but the darn thing would NOT come on. But it always worked perfectly for Joe when he pushed the button. He loved that stereo and I thought something was wrong with it. He was convinced that I was the one with the problem. He told me that I wasn't pushing the button correctly, which infuriated me. How dare anyone think I am not smart enough to push a button correctly?! MWA!?!?! I am the button pushing queen of the universe. I KNOW how to push buttons.

Joe was determined to figure out what I was doing wrong and teach me how to push the button correctly. I wanted to take the stereo back. Certain the problem could be solved if I would push the button harder, or softer, or exactly in the center we spent months fighting over the darn stereo until it was too late to take it back. He would put his finger on top of mine and push with me and it would come on. “See?!?!?” He said. “You are not pushing hard enough!” Then he would chastise me for pushing so hard because he was afraid I was going to break it. I even tried pushing with the eraser end of a pencil in case there was some kind of magnet force field in my body that the stereo objected to. Nothing worked. I could not turn the stereo on.

I finally gave up and decided to just enjoy the silence unless Joe was at home to operate the stereo. Unfortunately for me, when he moved out, he left the darn thing at my house. I suspected it was a passive aggressive attempt on his part, to continue annoying me after he was gone. Joe’s beloved sound system sat there silently on my bookshelf until Pam moved in, and then it worked great for her. She said there must be something wrong with the way I was pushing the button, which pissed me off. When Pam moved out, I gave the annoying stereo to my mother, and bought myself another one. Mom never had any problems with it. It is still at her house working fine today.

It is truly horrible when a mechanical object doesn’t seem to like you, and it is truly wonderful when things are running smoothly. As for me, I just love the old fashioned thermostats with mercury in them because it only takes a few days of tenderly adjusting to find the exact setting on them where you can think "It's a little chilly in here!" and the heater will come on without even touching the thermostat. Then, when you are warm enough, you can think "It seems a little warm in here!" And the heat will shut off. Once you get the adjustment set just right, the thermostat knows when the time is right. It is impossible to do that if you live with someone who likes to keep the house at a different temperature than you do, and they are constantly adjusting the thermostat too. When you live alone, guests can accidentally get the impression that you have mental control over your CACH, especially if you ask them whether they are warm or cold and the CACH clicks on or off every time you do. It is much harder to fine tune the thermostats they are selling these days because there is a long delay before the thing clicks on.

The house I currently live in loves me, but it does not seem to like my house mate at all. When he is out of town, everything runs smoothly. The house even seems to emit a lovely subtle fragrance for me to smell. But when he is at home, everything goes haywire. The breaker flips off. The doorbell won’t work. The light switch in the stairwell begins sticking. The heater blows air so hot it feels like we are cooking in an oven, and the thermostat says it is only 65. I am way past menopausal. These are not hot flashes. Something strange is going on, and I don’t know what to do about it. Suggestions anyone? Tweet