Am I really a bad person

In my life, I've been raped, abused - mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially.. I suppose we all have our stories. It created a lot of self loathing: I must be so awful, such a bad person, so unclean, so disgusting, so ugly, so...

I used to be promiscuous, I thought my body was all I had. I gave in to dominant men because I didn't think I had the right to say no.

Four years ago I met the most incredible man. I was in the middle of my growing and didn't see just how wonderful he was. It was hard to have him love me because I didn't love me, I kept thinking I would let him down just by being me - I kept him as a friend so I wouldn't lose him.

We dated other people, made mistakes.. always came back to each other. He is my best friend. Spoke to him every day those four years.
This last summer we decided to try it for real - and it's been amazing. I am so blessed.

We've been talking about getting married, which has been daunting. To be honest, I'm okay with forsaking all others- I can't imagine being with anyone else, and we've tried! Creating a family, living with and loving my closest friend.. I'm excited.

However, a border divides us. We only see each other once every few months, because flying is expensive. I get lonely and fear starts to poke its head out...

I've f***ed up.

There was this guy, a huge a**ho**, judged women on their faces/weight, all about casual sex and money. Lord knows how we became friends.
Though, I wouldn't call us friends.. He is aggressive, dominant. Overpowering. Scary. Whenever I was feeling low (before deciding on a relationship with my wonderful partner) he would sext me, try to persuade me to sext him, tell me how desirable I was...

I always ended it. I always told him not to text me again, because he's so mean it always outweighed any "good feelings". ..He always came back.

He came back after I started this relationship. He came back and played the friend card, the I'm happy for you card. While sneaking in seeds of doubt. Finally he had his chance - I was weak. We'd had a fight my partner and I... I was doubting my choice of life mate because there are some issues important to me that we differ on (which happens, and our core values/morals line up without a doubt, just the details in certain contexts - we disagree on).

I let myself fall into the trap. I played his game.

Not for long, one or two texts before guilt set in, and the realization that this man wasn't who I wanted, and that I was making a mistake.

Today, a couple of weeks later, I decided to pull the plug so to speak. I told him that this is unhealthy and needs to end, that I want to marry the man I'm with and can't let moments of insecurity lead to weakness on my part. But that I also need to remove the temptation- him. That I was sorry, but I want to be better than this.


He... ripped into me. Big time. Called me down, dragged me through the proverbial mud... It hurt. A lot. And because of my past beliefs about myself I took his words in and gave them a home under my skin.

Now I'm sitting here feeling like the biggest pile of shit. I feel like I've abandoned my morals and ethics, things I've been so proud of. Compromised my integrity, and I feel sick. I feel undeserving of the man who sees my flaws and loves them because they're still me. What if I am everything that sexting man said I am? Do I lack congruence like he said? Am I a selfish, immature little girl?

I've tried for so long to be so much more, and I f***ed up.
If I'm honest with my partner I will lose him. That thought is the most painful thing I can imagine. Tweet