Re: categorize narcissist

I'm very sorry that you're in the situation that you are - I've been exactly where you are, and there is recovery, I promise.  It just takes time and a lot of work.

Where to start?  The first thing is to determine whether or not you want to remain married to this person.  It sounds as if he has taken from you, and taken from you, and the "return" was to provide medical coverage for you and your daughter - a very hefty price when you consider your current emotional and physical issues. 

Then, if you have determined that you will dissolve the marriage, sign nothing (especially, joint bankruptcy documents) and tell him nothing of your intentions.  Speak to a divorce attorney, ASAP - most will not require a fee for a consultation.  Write down every question, every debt, every asset, and every "large ticket" item that you co-own with this man. 

Then, contact www.thehotline.org or your local domestic violence and abuse hotline to get in touch with a host of resources that will help you financially, medically, with housing, and other necessities. 

If your daughter still lives with you, tell her nothing about any "adult" issues.  Do not alert her that you will be separating and divorcing.

If you have been determined disabled and are receiving disability income, that is your income, not his - open an individual banking account and have all payments deposited in this account.  If you have a joint checking account, you are legally allowed to withdraw every penny if/when you leave the house that is in foreclosure.

Now, joint bankruptcy is only sensible if you have joint debts - that is to say that you have cosigned loans or jointly liable for unsecured credit card debts.  If they are his credit cards and loans in his name, only, and you have not signed any documents of financial obligation, do not, under any circumstances, file joint bankruptcy.  If the debts are his, solely, filing jointly will make you equally obligated to either satisfy the Bankruptcy Court by making payments in Chapter 13, or having them entirely discharged in Chapter 7.  If they are not your debts, do not take responsibility for them.  Period.

Also, I would strongly encourage you to engage in counseling therapy with someone that specializes in trauma.  Take all of your fears, betrayals, and emotions to this counselor and begin the journey to recovery.  Do not go to your attorney to tell them all about how sad, frightened, or betrayed you feel - your attorney is not a counselor, and it costs every time their paralegal takes a message from you.

Finally, I will urge you to be kind to yourself and put yourself above everything else.  Your emotional and physical health has already suffered and you are more important to yourself than this man could ever be.

Sites for you to visit are:

www.thehotline.org

www.ndva.org

www.180rule.com

www.familyarrested.com

Dissolving a contract of marriage comes with a host of terrible processes, but there is recovery after divorce.  It has to be about you and helping yourself, first, and not allowing anyone else to come to your rescue.  That's rather what happened with the second spouse that I divorced - promises of safety, security, and love were simply words, and he took everything from me that I had.  And, I'm sorting it out, finally.

Best wishes to you.

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