Counseling and RAINN

I am so sorry that you've had the experienced that you have. Nobody "deserves" to be raped or sexually assaulted, as has already been mentioned.

I agree, 100%, that counseling therapy with a trauma specialist is probably an immediate personal imperative. At 18, you have the opportunity to address all of these issues, put them into their proper "places," HEAL and recover from these experiences, and begin developing strong boundaries and protecting yourself.

When reading your post, one thing is a constant: these are "known" rapists - people that you knew, and not random attacks. This is significant and a therapist can absolutely help you work through this.

There also seems to be some severe family dysfunction going on - that you were blatantly dismissed and invalidated by your own family members when you told them what had been done to you SCREAMS of dysfunction. I am typing from personal experience with regard to dysfunction, and it can have a tremendous impact upon our own beliefs, expectations, and views of ourselves. Again, a strong counseling therapist that specializes in trauma will be able to help you sort this out.

You mentioned that the last time that you were sexually assaulted was a year ago, when you were 17. Sweetie, I know that you "feel" like you are "in love," and engaged to a great guy, but entering into a legal binding contract of marriage with anyone BEFORE you address these issues is not likely to end well for you - again, I am typing from personal experience. The last thing that you "need," right now (this very minute), is to be in any type of intimate relationship. If someone is truly a "great guy," they will understand your issues, back off, and be patient. YOU DESERVE to heal and recover from your experiences, and a "good" person will agree with this fact.

Please, take steps to recover and heal from these terrible and UNDESERVED experiences, now, before you spend a lifetime of making fear-based decisions like I did. Get in touch with the RAINN organization that Blue Rose provided - it will be the first step to your healing and recovery. There is nothing more sobering that waking up at +50 years of age and realizing that a lifetime has been spent living in fear.

My very best wishes and healing energies to you.

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