Wow ... I had a feeling that you were someone who could use some support, which was why I posted. I had no idea that you'd been through such horrors. You are clearly a strong person.
I can see how posting here would be a kind of therapy for you. You can interact with people who have similar beliefs to those involved in your evangelical church that you were raised in. It's as if you're standing up for yourself and voicing your beliefs in ways that you couldn't when you were a child.
How do you find a God who allowed such things to happen to you? ... Who made up the beliefs that were taught to you as a child? ... (These are rhetorical questions).
God is definitely not the man with the white beard sitting on a chair on a cloud ...
We must believe in our own beauty and godliness to more fully reach out and share our beauty and gifts with others.