crushed, lost.. wits end

So been married 16 years together 18.. a shitload of kids, just take that as over 5 as I do not want to get "caught" asking for advice. Asked for marital counseling but was told well if you want when we can afford it. However other stupid shit is afforded. He says everything is fine.
So basically I am 37 have stayed home as we decided due to age difference we would have kids now. Happened faster than expected and kept happenin. So he is 51. Was a coke addict, ex alcoholic but in recovery when we met and had a year+ when we were married. Having been in a bad relationship prior to a coke head very abusive man my train of thought was he has been there done that and would be stable and well yeah I am a freakin retard. He was fun, loving, made me feel like a million bucks to start, then he was having relations with 3 different women and me when I found out I was pregnant. I decided after his crap filled I love you speech that we should go on. No infidelity since that I know of but several several very expensive drug relapses, even as soon as the first child was 3 months old.. I thought long and hard watching him get high in our house with out child and myself that I should just leave and chalk it up to a mistake, horrible mistake. But I had promised God in sickness and in health.. more children and more drugs later.. only hear from him when he is giving me orders as he works out of town. He doesn't show up on xmas eve after going out for presents.. on a drug runner.. We move, supposedly painting and again doesnt come home for 3 days on another drug runner. Our family needs are put on the back burner as his ego and career are forefront, lots of toys, no money for diapers, wipes etc.. When he does come home for days off he bends me over and no words or foreplay, years of this. I have an affair.. no friendly hang outs just computer talk and sex on the sly.. the guy tries to get me to marry him but I can't with the kids.. Husband finds out I want a divorce, swears he will fix everything. He does stop sleeping all the time and somewhat deals with his offspring, but torments me for the last 9 years over infidelity constantly. Yes many more drug runners in the thousands of dollars each time, leaving us broke and in bad shape robbing peter to pay paul etc.. Finally decides and apologizes for bieng a dick for 9 years. No more harrasement but now a new twist, quits job for new one that pays less, tries to deal drugs, I freak the @(#! out, he gets arrested for solicitaion that he lies about I do later read online court crap and that is what he WAS arrested for.. still lying that it was drug related. Total lack of sex when it was a huge deal before always had to have it now rarely. Asks me a bunch of wierd sexua| shit part of some magazine thing about closeness. Now I am finding gay p 0 r n, tons of ass p 0 r n with women, preteen p 0 r n and a freaking donkey p 0 r n clip.. what the hell? He says he loves me and only me and forever and all that shit but what the hell? I am so tired and feel so bad about me I don't even want to get out of bed. I haven't confronted him on any of the p 0 r n crap.. We have so many kids and I just don't know what to do, he is doing things the man I married never would have done... I have asked him to stop but have been ignored and explained away. I know what I promised GOD but I didn't promise to love some lunatic who put his family last and at risk and was a deviant. I do not know what to do.. I do know I will not be able to support my children in the manner they are used to.. not they they have everything but as I have been home for so many years which we decided before the first one I doubt I will make enough to get by without public assistance which I despise. I feel so trapped..deceived and used and my God am I just so freakin stupid for having these innocent kids with the man. I can't undo this, I have to make the best of it for them. If it was me I would have walked years ago.. How do I find a happy medium for my kids. I do not want to make them think divorce is ok, or that their dad is bad. He is a jerk but just to me and they do not need that baggage. I want them to be healthy happy kids. I do not want anyone else.. I can't stand myself for breaking my covenant so many years ago.. Lost here.. any advice? I don't know if my response to this all is normal or if I am midlife crisis or if just the stress of this last year is causing me to go crazy or what is wrong with me, or if it is not me and just the situation.. In case any smart arses I am totally fit and not fat, 5'6 140lbs, all my teeth and they are still white, very active and of course yes not model material anymore, stretch marks thanks to many pregnancies but nothing horrendous, no hemmoroids or anything gross like that. I have taken care of myself and am not some hideous beast. Is it too much to ask to have a normal family and a happy life? Tweet