Why don't they just leave?

This is a very long post, and it is my fervent hope that the information contained will be of help to someone in crisis.

From family members to Law Enforcement, and even within the psychological community, "Why don't they just leave?" is a burning question when it comes to discussing the victims of domestic violence, family violence, or abuse.  Sure, it seems the most rational option:  someone's harming me, so I should just get out.  Easier said than done, says Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D.  Human beings who live in an environment of domestic/family violence and abuse typically suffer from a survival condition known as "Stockholm Syndrome," dubbed (incorrectly, IMHO) thus after psychologists noted odd behaviors of support by hostage victims towards their captors.  Stockholm Syndrome is not confined to hostage situations - it has been recognized for decades within the psychological community with regard to various abusive scenarios, ranging from abusive spousal partners to abusive family members.  It is extremely intricate and, to a degree, subtle, when victims begin to defend and agree with their abusers as a method of survival.

From the website:  http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167

"While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due to the publicity – the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

• Abused Children
• Battered/Abused Women
• Prisoners of War
• Cult Members
• Incest Victims
• Criminal Hostage Situations
• Concentration Camp Prisoners
• Controlling/Intimidating Relationships  "

A recent interview with Stacey Lannert on the Diane Rehm program (NPR on WAMU) clearly demonstrated the intricacies of Stockholm Syndrome as a method of survival.  Stacey had been molested by her father for years and, when she made the difficult decision to leave him with  her younger sister, the father terrorized her and her younger sister, and Stacey saw no other choice to escape than to shoot her father dead.  She spent 18 years in prison as a result of her action, and was finally granted clemency by the State's Governor.

More from Dr. Carver:

"It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
• Support of the abuser's reasons and behaviors
• Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

Stockholm Syndrome doesn't occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.

It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

• The presence of a perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat
• The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
• Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
• The perceived inability to escape the situation

By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage situations.   "

In cases of domestic and family abuse/violence, the victim is in constant Survival Mode - they must develop coping mechanisms in order to survive their situation on a daily basis, and often on a minute-by-minute basis.  From my own personal experience, it was far safer to live in denial of the actual events that were taking place, especially when the abuser would remind me of how he had "taken care of" me by allowing me (yes, ALLOWING me) to seek medical attention, pay for groceries, pay utilities, or purchase daily necessities for our children.  I owed him for this, and the payment price was my allegiance to him in every way.  

Dr. Carver further states:

"In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope – a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors, such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage events.

In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not "all bad" and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn't happen, that "small kindness" is interpreted as a positive sign.  "

We must be very, very careful when we begin placing the victim as the culprit, as is often the case.  Too many times, friends, family, Law Enforcement, and even Social Workers will blame the victim for remaining rather than blaming the perpetrator for their cruelties, thus continuing to drive the point home that only the abuser really cares about the victim, and everyone else is an outsider.  The victims remain victims until they facilitate their own Survival and begin speaking openly, honestly, and publicly about their experiences.  Fear of ridicule is the driving force behind the failure of victims to report their abusers to Law Enforcement (especially, for men), family, and friends.  Often, the abuser is so manipulating that they have conned family and friends into believing that the victim is crazy, disturbed, or utterly dysfunctional.

More from Dr. Carver:

"In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on eggshells" – fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.

Taking the abuser's perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family – fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as "causing trouble" and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they continue to "interfere" or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact situation that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations – the victim quickly realizes it's safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesn't work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.

In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault. Some women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies rather than give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the abuser, the children are at fault – they complained about the situation, they brought the attention of authorities to the home, and they put the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger to the victim's safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to be removed from the home decreases their victim stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment for the children.  "

Please, check out the listed website if you, or someone you know, is living in an abusive situation.  The truth behind domestic and family violence / abuse is incredibly complex and this article helps to sort out questions and complete fallacies.  Individuals don't want to remain, they just don't know how to identify their own status and take the steps to exit.

If you, or someone you know, is in immediate need, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-799-7233, or visit their website at www.ndvh.org.  Learn about available resources and options, and help to stop this epidemic cycle.