Re: Feeling bad about what I did/said as a child, cant go on like this any longer.

First of all, you need to remember this --- you were a kid when these things happened. Also, you were a kid who was bullied both at home and at school.

No kid is perfectly behaved. Even the better behaved ones have their bad moments.

There was a time when people didn't think that kids beating up one another was a big deal as long as there were no serious injuries. In fact, some parents used to tell kids---especially boys---to toughen up and defend themselves.

Also, factor in that during that time, parents thought nothing about beating their kids. The thinking was as long as there were no broken bones, it was OK.

Kids aren't born morally developed. They learn things like behaving morally and having empathy for others as they grow. Kids tend to be self-absorbed. For example, you hated being bullied, yet you also behaved as a bully. Stories like yours are common.

As you see, once you are an adult, you have a different perspective on all of this. The fact that you can clearly see that you sometimes behaved badly is actually a good sign. There are people who start out as bullies as kids and grown into adult bullies. Those people don't have the capacity to feel remorse for their actions.

Stop being so hard on yourself. It sounds like you now lead a good life. Work on forgiving yourself. Take a look at this thread started by poster "Charkee" that suggests a way to forgive yourself:
//www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1570313#i


If you still are having trouble forgiving yourself and find that this is eating away at you, then consider talking to a therapist.

Do keep this in mind --- the old saying "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". In other words, we all have our regrets in life. We all have things we wish we could take back or do differently. It's not like you murdered or maimed this girl. I'm sure you weren't the only one who wasn't kind to her. The child that you were didn't understand that talking to her like that was wrong nor did you yet have the capacity to feel empathy. Yet the adult that you are now would treat that girl far differently. Remind yourself of this!

Best wishes to you.