This is going to be long but please bear with me if you can.

I have feelings of deep regret of some things I did when I was a kid, these things happened when I was somewhere between mainly 7- 10 years old....I know I was just a kid and I was growing up in a very abusive society in which I remember being more victimized by others than victimizing and I should've probably just forgiven myself for what I did but I can't, these feelings of guilt have been really affecting my life recently

My guilt mainly pertains to 2 kids that I said sick things to or been a bully to and I hate myself for doing that.

I was raised in Russia in a very difficult time where child's well being or safety meant absolutely nothing to anyone, where in school any boy could come to a girl and hit her right in front of the teacher and the teacher would say nothing. You'd just have to swallow it up and go on.

I was raised with my grandmother who used to call me names and occasionally hit me and to this day I dont remember doing anything wrong to provoke such reaction in her- its not like I called her names or disrespected her yet I remember being regularly spanked, slapped around, screamed at and then called out names and after told to apologize to her or else... I also remember being locked up in the bathroom with no light by my mother when I was only 3 years old, not only she'd lock me there but she'd turn off the lights as a punishment for my crying. Again I dont remember doing anything wrong. Other times she'd have me go outside and play all by myself and try to keep me out of the house for as long as possible, sometime she'd find another girl for me to play with (more like a babysitter really), who in the end would end up taking my toy and walking away with it.

One time my grandmother took me to her friend's house who had a son my age and at some point as we were playing he'd hit me pretty hard. I ran to the kitchen where our parents were sitting and complained and even though the mother told him not to behave this way, they didnt seem to make a big deal out of it- my grandmother told me that he's father used to beat him and this is why he behaves like that so I shouldnt be angry at him. So we resumed our play after that provided what his mom told him about hitting me but then he hit me again. Later that year he hit me couple of times in the stomach really hard after school, I hit him back but he hit me even harder in return so I just started crying. When our parents came to school to pick us up I and others who saw what happened told this to them but again even though he's mother seemed devastated she told him a few words about how wrong this is which he probably didnt even hear and the whole thing was forgotten soon after that.

I also have few memories that run back into the kindergarten about a girl who used to steal from me and bully me, one time she talked a boy into hitting me by promising to bring him candy if he does. I hit him back but he was much stronger than me and I got hit back only harder in the end.

I also remember one time walking down the street with my grandmother as all of a sudden a boy just ran towards me and started hitting me right in from of my grandmother and his parents that were walking behind him who saw it had absolutely no reaction. Nobody did anything, my grandmother just said "stop it, dont do this" but other than that she didnt do much. She was scared of his parents that seemed like alcoholics from her words, she didnt even say a word to them. Later in my years I looked back at this scenario it seemed to me that the parents were probably the ones that told him to do this, it seemed like they were teaching him to be like this.
This is what life was like back then and these things were really just within a norm.

Years after that I tried not to think about my childhood, and not remember all these things that were done to me like it never happened. But what kills me is not these things I mentioned but the things I did.

I remember hitting one girl in my class and simply messing with her other times during classes by pulling her hair to get her attention and stuff. Nobody liked her because she'd annoy everyone by coming up to them and staring them in the face without saying anything. I actually remember trying to to be nice to her which somewhat makes me feel better about the situation now. I remember trying to play with her but the problem was that no matter how much I tried to be nice to her she'd just freeze at times and not say anything. I could ask her a simple question like "hey, what do you think of this color or such" and she'd just look at me but not answer, then I'd ask why she's not replying but she wouldnt answer that either. I remember she got me so mad doing that, I told her to go to hell and went away. But what she'd then follow me and no matter where I'd be playing she'd stand in front of me keeping a short distance, just staring in my face and not saying anything, if I was to then go somewhere else, she'd just do the same thing and then I'd get seriously annoyed and start pushing her or hitting her. This girl was probably having some psychological issues but to me it seemed like she was being rude. I remember calling her names and slapping her around a lot. And even though it was her who was coming after me and acting like this I still feel ashamed about being mean to her. A few times I made her cry.

Then I used to play with a girl younger than me during summer who I disliked for always making up silly stories and never doing anything but repeating after me in a play. All of us were just starting to sexually develop I guess and often the barbie games that girls used to play that time had to do with scenes from the movies on TV. Some of the popular movies back then were portraying things like kidnapping, slavery, and rape scenes were pretty common too. I remember how one of my friends asked me if I could pretend to be a guy and act like I'm attacking her and then raping her. Of course none of us knew exactly what sex or rape is as we were still pretty young and talking about sex with children was a big taboo then but we were able to recreate the scenes from these movies pretty good when no one would be watching. When me and the girl that I didnt like played barbie games, we used to play the scene resembling one movie where we'd have the barbie get kidnapped by male doll and then keep her hostage and touch her naked body and basically whatever resembled the images we saw in these movies. But one day I went overboard and decided to talk my other friends into making her believe a story that we heard about her being kidnapped last night when she was asleep by men in the same manner as we used to play. So I did just that, she didnt believe me and threatened to tell her parents, so I told her that it wasnt true and I apologized just so that she wont say anything but I really hated her for that. This is probably the worst thing I remember doing and I dont know what got me to do something like that, I really wanted her to believe this story. And I wonder what if she would believe it, how badly would this have affected her. I am horrified at the thought of it now but it was totally not how I felt about it back then when I was a child. I'm so ashamed. Nothing bad happened as she didnt believe me and the whole thing was forgotten but I wonder what if she did believe me. I dont know why but I've been having a lot of memories from childhood coming up lately and it's sickens me. What was wrong with me? Do I need psychological help? I can't forgive myself, I thought I was better than this. Why did I do the things I did? Was that really me?