Re: My baby

You are right Anonalon, no one can understand this deep pain you are going through unless they've gone through this.
I can only imagine, but my heart ached as I read you post.
I just know a few years ago, I was already in extreme adrenal fatigue, and then I broke my finger trying to move my daughter's crib. It was a severe break and I was in a lot of pain. I had to get surgery, with pins put in. I fought hard not to take the pain medication they gave me, but couldn't take the pain anymore. When I tried to get off them, it was terrible. I was psycho and severely anxious, and I couldn't sleep for weeks. Every night and day, I would just lay in bed in pain. My little girl was staying with my parents because I couldn't take care of her. After three years of nursing her, I had to wean her cold turkey, and she couldn't be exposed to those drugs. But weaning her cold turkey like that made my hormones go crazy. I felt like I was dying. I felt like I was unlovable and worthless. I felt extremely lonely.
At this same time, I was following a blog of a couple that had a little three year old with a major heart defect. They had two other kids but were constantly in the hospital with their little girl. They were going to do a surgery on her to save her life. The couple was so hopeful and believed with all their hearts that God would work everything out the way they hoped and their daughter would live with them for years to come. I followed their blog everyday and it gave me hope going through what I was going through because despite what they were going through, they sounded so chipper. Then their daughter died suddenly. They were shocked and devastated. I remember reading that blog they wrote in their shock and feeling like everything was dark in the world, like you were saying. It seemed strange to look out the window and see others living, when I felt such misery and darkness inside.
I kept reading their blog though and although deeply grieving for a long time, their hope remained that they would see their little girl again. God raised Jesus from the dead. He is able to raise us all and raise your little one too. The bible has several scriptures that sure seem to sound like there will be babies in heaven. How wonderful to see your baby being raised in a place with no more fear, no more pain, no more death. I know thinking of that may not in anyway ease your pain now though.

I too struggle with the same fears you describe: the fears of not being enough for my child, the fears of losing her, the fears of giving into letting her eat stuff she shouldn't eat, the fears of her ending up sick like me, etc. What helps me the most is knowing God knows I struggle with these fears, he's knows I'm weak, he knows I'm dependent on Him to be strong in this hard life. Trusting him to work out his purposes, even when I fail.

It's good to write your feelings out. I think that is very important to healing. Don't turn from God though. Seek him. You need him more than ever now, and this didn't happen because he was angry with you and punishing you.

Sometimes we just don't know why things happen. I almost didn't write because I really don't know what to say. I think this is a great song by casting crowns. I hope for you to have people in your life that can love you like Jesus:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV0BC042Rv4&feature=related
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