love and marriage...

So I've made several posts in these forums as I struggled with a few issues in my marriage, mostly sex related issues. I posted about great vacation sex with my husband while he seems to have a block about good sex within the routine of home life. Then there was the incident of me being home and catching him watching p 0 r n.

Lastly, there was a secret admirer who "just wanted to be friends" but was working every angle he could to "be friends" even though we were both married. I've seen this before and although part of me wants a friend in general (I've moved recently), part of me wanted to fall for the sympathy plea and part of me simply enjoyed the ego boost of a nice looking man paying me so much attention, I declined, knowing that it was a bad situation to get into. I think for the reasons above, I was particularly vulnerable to that attention, but I know better.

I wanted to post again for anyone who has read these posts and experienced similar issues that cause them concern in their marriage. I took some great advice. I stopped concentrating on sex as much. I know he enjoys it, but I've just kept vigilant about making every other aspect of our married life happy. I still plan to purchase a vibrator for the time like recently when I'm feeling oversexed and have attention only from a man who is not my husband.

I think it was vital that I turn my attention back toward our marriage and working out some of the life issues that were troubling both of us. They are a result of the major life changes - moving, change in pay, money troubles, etc. We started attending church together which was a truly wonderful thing. We have always been very committed to each other, but now we're also sharing our spiritual life. I was recently very impressed to learn that although the divorce rate is 1 in 2 the divorce rate of couples who attend church together is 1 in 30! Hunh, there may be something to this church thing after all! Since we've attended, the pastor has focused on marriage and on getting perspective on material things. My husband has been able to let go much of his stress on money since we're doing fine, just not as good as before the move. This has helped greatly.

The emphasis on marriage has been helpful. The paster is an inspirational teacher and it has helped us get some things in line. Also, some of the members remind us that there are people in the world who commit just as strongly to marriage, that it is not a thing that should be tossed so simply.

These things have had a trickle effect on other aspects of our life. We recently had one of the most passionate nights we've had at home in a long time. I'm glad, and my mind has de-emphasized the idea that it's a huge issue if I want more than him. (Remember, this is in a relationship where at times we're both extremely sexua| and compatible; in any relationship these times won't always coincide.)

My stress of that issues has been reduced greatly. And as I said, I will still purchase assistance. Next, it came up at church and he brought up to me himself that he would like to work on the issue of p 0 r n in his life. He thinks it may not be a bad thing when he's deployed, after all, he leaves for long periods of time, but he admitted there are times when he's at home with me most days of the week and he thinks that it takes away from us to have that in his life. This is another thing that may help our intimate life. He says he wants to work on that and get better about it. This is all unprompted by me! Yet there is some sexua| energy that goes to that and if he redirects that to fantasies about me, this could translate to improving our home sex life as well. I know that early in our marriage, I would fantasize about him when I was "alone" to keep that energy in the right place.

There is hope when there is patience, perseverence and two people who continually work to make a marriage better. It does take patience; our transition from honeymoon stage to routine has gone through several metamorphasis and over the years has changed. It feels like there is less stress around that issue. I think all the factors will eventually translate into more nights like the one we shared recently.

I hope there is someone out there that can find this helpful. In my case, the base relationship was good and we both kept working at that and we keep working on ourselves. I'm glad to say that I feel very close to him and I think things are going to be just fine for many years to come.
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