Re: I can't meet anyone new or do whatever I love and it's driving me crazy.....

I cannot improve on the advice given to you.  I would urge you to get help immediately.  Your reactions when meeting people sound like social anxiety.  The good news is that you know the source and are aware of the reasons why you react in the way you do.  Your need for approval and the fear of not being able to "measure up" may account for the sweating.  As a great deal of this is in your subconscious, it is hard to control the sweating.

You went through a horrific ordeal as a child.  Yet, from what I see you hold no ill will.  You realize that your mom was extremely burdened and could take just so much.  It looks like kids being kids was just too much for her to handle.  Yet, this does not excuse her actions, and this does not negate the feelings that you have to this day.  Children are a blank slate born into this world.  Parents are the very first ones to write on that slate, shaping the child's personality.  Children have no built in defense mechanisms, not physical or emotional.  So when they are abused, they are more or less a "captive audience" with no way to protect themselves.  This type of treatment deeply affects a child, causing massive emotional scars that the child carries with them throughout their life.  So don't let the way you feel towards your mother torment you.  The confusion you had as a child is still there.  You love her, you want her approval so badly, yet her past actions are affecting your life even today, in so many ways.  The thing is, that you are sensitive enough to see that she is now sorry for her past deeds, thus adding additional turmoil.  I have seen abusive parents as they get older, deeply regret their past actions.  Something that they can never take back.  The emotional damage cannot be undone, and she may very well be aware of this, adding to her regret.

You have taken a huge step in forgiving her.  Yet, it is normal for you to have the emotions that you describe.  There is still that confusion, that fear, that need for approval.  By the way, that need for approval is essential in children.  When we don't receive it, we continue seeking it throughout our life, and the fear of not measuring up also haunts us.  Thus, your need for an audience cheering you on.  In a way, although some circumstances are different, my life kind of parallels yours and oh boy, can I relate.  I received massive beatings as a child, minus the pepper.  So even I cannot imagine what you went through.  But I am here to tell you that with proper therapy, you can overcome these triggers that cause your anxiety.  So please, do seek help, and don't wait.

Just a pointer here.... Try not to alienate yourself from people.  If you are with someone and you feel yourself sweating, just merely share with them that you are nervous.  That's all.  Don't keep it inside.  Just say something like..... "I seem to feel kind of nervous."  Chances are, the person you are meeting with for the first time is also feeling nervous in their own way.  They're just not sweating profusely.  You may find that this acknowledgement to yourself and bringing it out in the open will break the ice, not just for you, but possibly for the other person, and you both will be able to relax and have an enjoyable time.  You may even stop sweating.  The possible reason for the profuse sweating is that when it starts, you go into high gear and think.... "oh oh... her it goes again," and the apprehension makes it worse.  It may take some practice, but you should notice some type of relief as you say these words.

I so hope that my and the other posts have helped you and given you encouragement.  Hang in there.  With proper therapy you will be okay.  With proper therapy you can build your self-esteem and not be so dependent on the approval of others.

I wish you my very best,

Luella