Re: New to this and need help

Hi Hilaire,
I know your pain and I am dealing with similar patterns in my life. To break the pattern, I would say what is helping me at this time is just awareness and a lot of reading (The New Codependency by Melody Beattie etc).

Here are some key points that I try and remember:

You are only responsible for you...let others take care of themselves.

You have a right to your feelings...I am always trying to be the 'nice guy', but when you think about it, being the 'good guy' all the time is essentially lying and untruthful and it just creates inner turmoil in your heart.

Be present...next time someone asks you to do something really FEEL what you're feeling...take a moment if you have to. Just tell yourself the truth. You have a right to say NO. It's hard at first, but it's like a muscle...the more you use it, the stronger you will become.

Be clear in your communication...I find that I am vague and confusing to others because I am afraid of how they will react to my reaction. I know now that you can't control anyone...just let life flow...there is so much peace in surrender.

Set boundaries...decide what you can tolerate and what you can't...people will respect you more and I once read that in a relationship, the other partner actually feels SAFER when you do.

Essentially, it's all about having a strong sense of self. I have a mantra I say to myself: non-attachment, non-resistance, present moment living, awareness

I was in a bad relationship for a while where I had no security and I was desperate to hang onto it, but I realize now a few things: The more obsessive and desperate one becomes, you lose your self-esteem, you lose yourself.
It's an old cliché but if you set someone free, they'll love you more. People can sense desperation and fear.

Try and find a way to tap into yourself every day, whether it be meditation and breath awareness, yoga, exercise etc.

Hang in there...you have the courage to see it through...it's hard to look at the truth sometimes but think of this: are you doing your partner or YOU any favours by staying in an unhappy relationship? As a good friend once said to me, 'You can bail out a sinking boat forever to keep it afloat, but is it worth the work?' The boat should be able to at least float on it's own.

Take care and just pay attention to YOU. You have a right to be happy and you have a voice to be heard! Tweet