After Rape

I am not sure how to start...Do I begin with the very first or the very last.... Or should I start with why this past is affecting me now...

I am taking a self-defense class, and last week the instructer showed us how to escape a certain hold, a scalffod (sp?) hold. It was a shock that went through my whole body, that was almost the exact hold my "friend" used to pick me up off the ground and throw me onto the bed. I must have been putting out vibes because for the first time ever he did not have me keep repeatedly escaping the hold. I can not believe how easily I could have gotten away, oh I so wish I had the oppurtunity to learn this when I was so much younger. This class has opened the door, a door I so firmly shut so long ago. I am about to explode in a million different pieces, I can not control my feelings, my reactions, nothing. I am in a tailspin and I can't free myself.

Does anyone have a clue, what should I do. I can't tell people of my deepest darkest secrets. I am ashamed... I kept it all hidden from everyone....

I was only five when I was first molested. I was 11 when I was first raped (I think, because I have no memory of getting away from the man. I only remember him grabbing me and of me walking out of the blackberry bushes stained, bloody, bruised, and hurting.). I was 13 the next 3 times. Two I remember, no actual penetration though I guess molesting is a better word. Ha if there is a better word. 1 is like before I remember running from this guy, a friend of my friend, I remember being slashed by the knife on my back (superficial), I remember falling. Some flashes, being tied and hit, then walking toward my house two days later. Getting in trouble with my schizophrenic mom, who never even called the police to report me missing. I wonder if this memory problem is a way of surviving? At 14 I do remember that one, was again molesting might me a better word, since he never penetrated just tied me to the bed and touched me everywhere. When I 16 I had a man force me to give him a blow job, never bit him, why I have always asked myself. Maybe because I didn't want him to hit me again. Is that a valid reason? 17 I have another memory loss. And then at 22 which is the one that got triggered by my class. This one I fought, (or at least stalled) I mean I fought, I did not let the kicks and punches stop me from keeping him from taking off my pants. And yet, the only reason why he stopped the attempt is because I guess he came out of his intoxicated, drugged fog for a second and realized what he was doing. I just need to push this stuff all away from me again. I want my life back. I don't want the nightmares. I don't want to feel out of control. Can any one help me?