Re: Probably

That's interesting... thanks....total forgiveness, him and myself. I had the feeling that's what was necessary, I hope I can get there. For many years I've been feeling like I wish I could completely erase the memory of him and his influence in my life, he's been such a huge source of stress for me as long as I can remember, and I still can't escape it as an adult, he constantly finds ways to draw me into his personal dramas. Very controlling, overbearing and intimidating. At the same time, in his mind he has only ever done what he thought was best for me and has a side to him that is extremely generous, and I feel guilty for not appreciating more what he HAS done for me and the sacrifices he's made on my behalf that I don't even know about. It's a maddening mixture of compassion/appreciation and anger/frustration I feel toward him. It's such an intense involvement and I feel so imprinted by it that at this point I can't help thinking this goes back lifetimes.

I think any work I do on this will have to be on my own, he's not particularly open minded, and I doubt we could have a conversation about life lessons, etc. He already thinks he has everything figured out, he's a christian and so will go to heaven, all that happens is god's will (the big guy in the sky), except for the things that happen which he doesn't like and constantly struggles against. He can't see where he created them. I should turn that mirror on myself. I hope he's getting some of his questions answered in ways I can't perceive. My hope is to stop getting caught up in these personal relationship dramas and life struggles and let everything go, breathe it all out. I'm amazed at people who have OBEs and seem to be able to remove their filters voluntarily or just spontaneously. I usually feel quite tethered to this reality, and if I don't make more real spiritual progress, I can see myself struggling to stay here, fear of dying and leaving, giving up my idea of identity, even though I know there is so much more than this and certainly no escaping that transition.