Re: My partner was repeatedly molested as a child: several rapists (family) for several years. Help me...

Hi Jeremy,

I'm a straight male, just so you know. I have several brothers who were raped or molested by men when they were in junior high school or high school. I'm currently in a relationship with a lady who was raped regularly by a family member when she was very young, which is why I'm on this site. It doesn't matter what someone's gender, sexuality, or lifestyle choices are. Victims all feel extremely ashamed of what happened to them. A man attempted to molest me when I was eight years old, and I've only alluded to it a couple of times to girlfriends. To this day, I've never told anyone the details. Strange as it may seem, child molesters are often victims of child molesters themselves. Such is the case with one child molester I'm related to.

Since you and your sweetheart are both men, the chemistry is different than if you were opposite genders. Around you, your boyfriend feels compelled to be the dominant rooster. That's why he can be such a controlling, disconnected macho-man. Around a woman, his masculinity would be less threatened. I'm not suggesting he gets a girlfriend. Instead, he might consider a female rape and sexuality counselor so he'll feel safe to talk about his fears and anxieties, and hopefully learn to overcome them. Maybe I'm wrong, but it couldn't hurt to try.

Here's another thing: When your boyfriend puts on airs, don't let him abuse you out of pity for him. Pity is not what he needs. You deserve to be respected. Demand that he respects you. Don't be afraid to walk out the door. Perhaps after losing you for a little while, he'll simmer down. If you choose to go back to him, do it only once, and let him know that if he pushes you to the point of walking out the door again that he won't get a third chance. Furthermore, be firm in your resolve. You don't deserve to be a victim of abuse either.