We are a gay couple. I thought it might be useful to specify that upfront.
My partner confessed to me about a years ago while we were watching a movie that he had been raped as a child by family member for several years. He had never told anyone before (it was 20 years ago).
We've talked about some of the details eversince but it's hard to distinguish what's true and what's not due to the discomfort he has talking about it.
It has, I think, become a major issue in our relationship. I love him more than myself. However, we are not happy together because of the following.
I don't mean to blame everything on his rape, I am just wanting to know if some of the things I'm going to write are indeed consequences of a rape and I need to keep pushing him to try to seek therapy and be patient.
He has anger bursts for very little events, he blocks himself and become incapable of moving or talking whenver we start a small argument that he knows he feels guilt for (which I'm assuming sends him back to the guilt he felt when it all happened).
He is very controlling.
Very cold and distant and at other times very emotional and overly close.
He has very vivid dreams when he sleeps (sees dead people...).
Overly developped pride and ego (I guess due to destruction of self identity during the rape). It could take proportions such as if I blame him for something he will send the relationship away.
And if I insist for hours and hours and talk to him, he will finally fall appart and cry on my shoulder apologizing, thanking me for always being there for him and accepting him for who he is. And that he could never lose me. But it's not the way he acts. He's usually like paralized.
I also have a feeling that he created a routine for himself in order to survive since the rape as a child. His life is very mechanical: work, social status, checking the mail, taking the trash out, cleaning...What I mean by that is that he does all these things while I'm packing to leave the apartment after one of his anger bursts.
He also often says very hurtful things VERY which sometimes make me cry. When that happens he becomes very very insensitive and starts ignoring me or insulting me. (guilt again?).
Anyways, I realize while I am writing that it sounds really minor, however I'm hoping somebody is living a similar situation and could put it into perspective to the appropriate intensity.
Please help me,
He is the love of my life, I don't want to love him for something that we are both not responsible for and that I could help him deal with.