Re: recalled abuse

When our daughter was a few years
old she would follow her father
around and even into the bathroom.
We had removed the bathroom lock
after having to unlock HER from
the bathroom more than a few times
since she was able to lock the door
but never had mastered UNlocking it.
Anyway, she was fascinated with
her father's penis and at one point
literally stood in front of him and
said, "I want to touch it". We told
her no she could never touch it. Of
course, from then on, we put a lock
up much higher on the door which
could be used from the inside but
even with a chair she could not
reach. Anyway, the point being that
just because you saw your father's
penis does not mean that you were
abused. This is not to say that
fathers do not abuse, but that it
does not automatically mean you
were. I remember myself, a friend's
son visiting our house and tried to
abuse all of the young kids, boys
and girls alike. That memory is
burned in my mind although I was
probably close to 5 at the time.
Nothing happened beyond his trying
to abuse us, but it was something
that we never forgot.

The thing is that it would be unfair
to blame yourself or your father if
you are merely remembering seeing
a penis. My daughter saw her first
erect penis accidentally at her
cousin's house when she was very
young. Her Uncle walked by her on
his way to the bathroom with a
morning erection. She came home wide
eyed to tell us. It was an opportunity
to tell her a little more about how
the body works since she was old
enough she had been taught some and
thought that an erect penis meant
that the man was ready to make a baby.

My daughter also went through a phase
of being hard to keep in her clothes
as a small child. She loved doing the
dishes but she did not like to get
wet so she would regularly shuck her
clothes. She then went through a phase
of extreme modesty and if I were not
a stay-at-home mom, I might have
suspected something had happened since
it was such an extreme turn around.
If something did, it did not happen at
home and we were a very communicative
family and I emphasized "safe" touch
and how no one had the right to touch
her body without her permission.

Re-look at your memory and consider that
what you saw may have been a part of
normal life experiences. Then look past
that part of your life. If you remember
spending years being depressed and time
being dysfunctional for reasons you may
not have been able to reconcile, then
perhaps you may have suppressed experiences
that precipitated those reactions. If you
remember your life being pretty normal
and happy-go-lucky, chances are that you
were okay. Have you considered coming
right out and asking your mom about it?
I have not shared my own daughter's
experience with her as an adult. If she
ever asked about that memory I would,
but as dinner table talk, it just does
not ever come up.

Look to other things too like your
relationships with men as an adult.
Do you feel any repulsion to being
touched or intimate with a man now?
Often, after abuse, these sort of
relationships are painful rather than
pleasurable.

I wish you peace~~

blessings,
Zoe

-_-