Re: narcissism cured

Dear Jus me,

I haven't been to the website 'narcissism cured', but what a great idea! They certainly have a lot of material to work with.

And, who has better incentive to improve than a narcissist?

Getting their own way is central to their lives!

If we can show these folks how to be happier, loved, free of fear, effective...well, that is exactly what they want, isn't it?


You mention jealousy...

...I felt that, once.

I was newly with my present husband, and in a very public place, he happened to see a former girlfriend.

When he took breaks from the job we were doing, I watched him automatically walk in the direction where he would see her.

Gulp!

Oh, that was a painful feeling!

But, I decided to just watch to see how he really felt...if he liked me better.

Turned out he did!

Echoes of that feeling happened again, when I was observing if he was keeping old telephone numbers, or perhaps secrets.

I was able to build on the confidence from that meeting with the old girlfriend...and, when I finally learned the secrets he had been keeping, they had nothing to do with his romantic life. Instead, they were about WW II, and dilemmas he had faced as a very young man.

They came out so gently and naturally, and resolved themselves so easily...in his feelings, where I could see.

I was able to hold him, as he held me when I needed it.


But dh is NOT a narcissist...a little self-centered once in a while, but who isn't?


My narcissist was my first mother-in-law...poor lady.

Things had happened to her in her early life, that had made her cling desperately to control of everyone around her. 'Bad' things should never creep up on her again.

If she had been able to tell someone close to her, perhaps she'd have found a 'sounding board', and seen her way out of her fears and regrets.

They weren't her 'fault' in the first place.

...Nor were they the 'fault' of any family member, or friend...as she thought they were.

I hope she has seen that by now.


I only know that all I could do in that situation was leave...and NOT point out anyone's 'faults' as I did so.

There was plenty of fault-finding going on already! That was the 'problem'.

I didn't notice the 'cause' until recently. She had been put in awful positions when she was very young and unable to deal with them, without support and understanding.

I wish I had been able to help her, years ago. All I could do, when I reached the end of my rope, was leave.


Still, there may be counseling that would help...I don't know.

It's my wish that every narcissist would wake up and smell the coffee...they would get more of what they want if they treated people well.

Funny thing is that, deep down, they already know that, I think. Maybe they are just scared to let go of 'control'.


They DO need someone from the 'outside', to help them, I believe.

But, we 'insiders' need to get away from them, and not go back until we see signs of permanent change...an entirely new relationship.

Only an 'outsider' can help us, too, I believe.

'Tis a puzzlement', Yul Bryner used to say when he played the king.

My best, Jus me.

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