I've been a thinking...

Hey Tracey!

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading lately. Mostly I've been thinking about the relationship with my family. And what they stand for. I'm still having a hard time with this. Basically trying to figure out the dynamics of my family and why I was born in to it. You know? And perhaps this will give me some insight to who I am.

When you asked me to think about the relationship with my Mother, of course you were completely right! Duh! I chose as a child to be distant from my parents. Its even more visible now when I look at my Mother. As, even now that I am grown, I still choose to distance myself from her. I'm still searching for the reasons why. But its slowly coming. I've always been independent. I know it has something to do with that. But I just cant seem to connect any lines. I also know that the relationship I just got out of was VERY codependent. I relied on him for many things. Which I had NEVER done before. So I know that it taught me something as well. Its just making sense of it all.

I've also been really interested in energy. Everything about it! Right now though, the main thing I see is exactly how we are stealing energy for each other!!! OH my gosh. It is so strange to actually see it. I mean the behaviors. Wish I could actually see the energy. One day! Rambling....SO!

I've also been thinking, What did you say was my Mayan question? Oh, I had to look it up! "What does my Heart desire to Manifest?". Now, you said this was my perennial question. So I'm going to make the assumption that this is only for this year? No, no, wait... I'm thinking of the word perennial here. Which means it will come back each year?....so this is the question I'm searching for my whole life? Hmmm....I'll wait till you tell me more about that! Before I go on rambling.

Well, This whole family thing isn't making sense to me yet. I've tried thinking about what my dad stands for, but I cant figure it out. I love him, but he's not the nicest man in the world. Everything is about him. No matter what. I've have however discovered the way he gets energy from us, by intimidation. I have been afraid of my father my whole life....Even now. Which is why I'm so drained living here with him. On more than one level!!! Not only can I FEEL how sad and angry he is, and since I cant yet control other peoples emotions from taking me over, I really feel it. AND then he goes and takes my energy by intimidation! Its soooooo crazy that I am finally seeing this for what it actually is...a power struggle! OH MY GOD! I get it.

Wow....Okay...So now I see that, but I still don't get what I'm supposed to learn from him. Hmmm...

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but it seems that its bringing some answers. Sooo...If you don't mind, I'm just going to keep writing and thinking.

What about my Mom? I don't know what she stands for either. I don't know what her life has, and, is about. Neither of my parents have strong devotions to anything. I mean my Mom is a Christian, but its not something big in her life. At least that I cant tell. My Dad is basically atheist, or so he says. So growing up I didn't have a strong faith. I did chose to go to church as a teenager, but that was mostly for social reasons.

This is where I get stuck. I mean I can totally see the way my Mom steals energy. She plays the poor me roll. And me! lol..I'm the aloof type. I just don't know what I'm supposed to learn from them. Or even what I am to teach them. Or if I'm even looking in the right direction.

Lots to think about!

Oh, I did look up Kundalini. Its a source of energy at the base of your spine? I understand a little more about it. Your right about having energy that I don't know what to do with, and it does come out sexually. I definitely have to look into this more, because I really should know who to control this energy. That way I can have better use of it. I've notice the gym near my post office box offers Hatha Yoga. I've looked that up and am really interested in starting that. All I have to do now is get a job!

Oh! Prague sounds just as I imagined it would be! Thank you so much for sharing that information. It sounds like you had the best time! I envy you in a way. ;o) Wish I had traveled to Prague! Perhaps one day!

There was something else I wanted to say, but I cant remember just now. Hmmm..

I'll talk with you later!

Love ~ Ashley