-Good post ZZ, it is not your boat. People have to accept that somethings just are not meant to be and go on. You can spend an entire life of wasted love on wishing what was never meant to be.
Go forth and seek what is meant to be.
Your original post is that you want your kids, you have your kids just not in your home. A good father cannot loose his children, but good children can loose their father. Make sure that you are there for them body and soul and sound. For if you keep drinking maybe she can do more harm for you in court.