Better Day Today: Day 19 of Lengthening Fasts

Well, yesterday was relatively bad (not bad compared to say 1 year ago but no longer acceptable!). Today is really better. After I posted yesterday I did an enema to ease the pain and bloating. This worked. As soon as I was done I realized in what agony I had been all day, and all through the time when I was writing my post yesterday. I was disappointed because I had up to this point, post-fast, avoided enemas. And -- truth: really I was just doing the enema to enable myself to slam down an evening food fix. I am going to be honest about this. I am saying it out loud here, because it is not OK with me. I want to change this behavior.
... So, last night, I had this time-consuming enema (I was starting really to be aware of the time-wasting that my food addiction perpetrates. This was a good awareness: I saw myself ... I had a distinct view of myself. I had the distinct thought: It is so tragic that I have to sit here wasting all this time DOING something to myself just to "Get through the night." I am PRECISELY like a drug addict. I felt like I was using needles in the bathroom, as I did the enema. I SEE all this... now, I have got to figure out how to change. But I think I am figuring it out! See below.)

... This is not the worst of it, about last night. The meal I had was large. It was within my accustomed/allowable food behavior, but the problem is that, as I have been noting, my accustomed behavior is not really OK with my body, and this has been true for some time, and I have got to do something about it. it is not simple and it is really hard and frightening and self-confronting and complicated but I have got to approach the process. This is where I am at. I am approaching some real self-examination. I am in some action, too -- again, see below.

.. . About my enema-enabled meal (really a fix) last night: I had the thought that I could allow myself to measure out my portions "dishonestly," i.e., counting HEAPING tablespoons as mere tablespoons etc., as I sometimes do. My thought process/reasoning was along lines of, "I need a BIG meal because in a few days when the time to fast comes I don't want to feel too fragile to fast." -- I wanted to get some sort of heavy meal "in me" -- the old thinking dies hard -- the thinking that meals will create health when what is needed is fasting --

(In all this I feel guilty or afraid sometimes, since it seems sometimes I am being too harsh with the body, thinking of "starving" the body. But I would never, ever be cruel to myself or starve myself. my vehemence about my need to fast stems from a lifetime of being raped stuffed with food when I need to push the food away)

(... My life has been broken by people who have stuffed me, refusing to honor my saying "no" to food. And by people who have infantilized me, screaming that I am 'starving myself.' If I had been respected and learned to push the food away, I would be a healthy, productive person today. I sometimes find this frustrating to the point of screaming in anguish. I have also, over the past years, found it hard to focus and think seriously about how to fix the problem of overeating. I would race into my life willy-nilly, trying again and again to ignore my body's protests against my compulsive overeating. I lacked the self-esteem to sit down and pay attention to myself. I am moving to pay that attention now.)

(Conceiving of the goal of Fasting is what has set me on the path to being healed. Fasting, for me, is not so simple and requires a lot of learning and preliminary work. Just by developing the ability to fast, a lot of healing is done. Then the fast completes the healing. Having the goal of fasting, holding to this goal, is the source of my healing process. "Fasting:" it's a trick proposition. I can't fast, really, until I get my diet cleaned up, stop using food as a fix, stop eating when eating is not OK with me, etc. The fast itself will change my body chemically/bacterially and lift me finally out of the state of being compulsed to overeat. Then I won't have to fight the pressing urge any more. In the meantime I have to negotiate with the compulsion, reduce it gradually, and learn to fast longer and longer by degrees.)



My other thinking justifying the enema and subsequent heavy food fix was: "I've been so good following this fast." and "Today has been ruined already anyway, so what is the point of being good?" ... OK. I have to be honest. I am not ready to give up all this thinking and behavior. There is just no way yet. But, yet again, see below, for my progress toward limiting my food intake to amounts not hurtful or bloating.

(... I remember now as I write that I ought to have stayed in bed and rested and not eaten for a long long time yesterday. Until evening, probably. This was what my body needed. But I got up and "slammed" myself with the 600 cals., which bloated me. I feel pain just thinking how I treated myself yesterday. This is because of how exhausted and weak I felt beginning the day -- too exhausted for eating; I experience this exhaustion sometimes: a clear message from my body that I have got to be still and rest, so it can do some healing work. Tragically, I most often slam down food on top of this feeling, despite how cruel this is. In all this, yesterday, though, because of the emotional positivity I had received from my fast, I was having the wonderful experience of being almost willing to refrain from eating, and rebel in the most positive way and refuse to think about when I would eat next, refuse to think about my fix, and walk away and commit myself to refraining from eating for the whole day if necessary. What a liberation that would have been! I almost had it! I almost drove out to the beach! But I was too tired or something or, really, too compulsed. I had forgotten about these feelings of yesterday until I started writing this today.)

(Full disclosure about yesterday midday's painful bloating: I know that mangoes tend to bloat me really painfully. I have proved this to myself once again. Ideally, I would just refrain from eating altogether if eating were not Ok with me or my body. But until I develop this ability (I will develop it), I am thinking maybe I will be strategic and avoid the most bloating foods. Tomatoes can do it to me, and apples can, too. Again, it's frustrating, since if foods bloat you, the proper thing to do is to stop eating food, not scour the earth for some food that isn't going to bloat you... so you can deceive your system and remain entrenched in the addictive habit of relying on food fixes to feel normal and get through the day.)

(I really think a lot of the food and health food industry is focused on doing exactly that. There is an unwillingness to fast/ a lack of information on fasting/ a lack of trust in fasting/ an irrational, neurotic fear of thinness/ an irrational neurotic fear of fasting, or just a general capitulation to food addiction on the part of the public, and a willing enabling of this food addiction on the part of the food and health food industry. So much "nutrition advice" is so screwed up this way. The whole public discourse seems to have descended into a false and neurotic, unfounded, and commercially powerful and sensational terror of "Starvation" -- in the most obese nation in the world -- and in all its advice-giving seems to be focused on "getting nutrients --" as if this were a problem! Doctors nowadays --MDs, yet -- are actually FAR MORE concerned about overnutrition than undernutrition (google in New York Times Science sections) -- yeah! They are concerned not only about excess calories but even, and even pointedly, about overdoing the vitamins and minerals supposedly so scarce in processed food! Everyone seems to have lost sight of the fact that if food does not agree with your body, you should not eat; and to have arrived, with the bizarre logic of an addict, that intestinal distress manifestly due to using food as a fix is actually due to some "defecit" of vital nutrients! Augggghhhh! I am so furious about having had to live in this horror of a dishonesty, because of how it has influenced all but the best and calmest people around me to scream and shriek when they hear me decline food. ... These calm people I ought to have hung onto, but this was almost too simple, maybe.. like the addict I am, I have tended distractedly to let them slip away. No more!!!)

(Yesterday, my throwing myself out of bed and into the world unrested, and slamming down the food, was out of anxiety. I depend on "food sessions" to "get through the day." I am aware of this and have new clarity about it now, these past 2 days. It is like I can't feel good enough to do anything I need to do unless I have some food fix, despite that this is not OK with me and despite that my body cannot tolerate this food-"slamming" behavior -- can't tolerate much food generally, in the state it is in. I am not talking about eating out of true hunger. (i have probably never experienced true hunger in my life: my mom is a compulsive overeater and I was subjected therefore to compulsive overeating while still in the womb.)

(But my body cannot take this bloating/overeating any more. So I have got to stop doing it. I have got to make a real plan for eating. I have got to buckle down to eating just what my body can tolerate. TO do this is to abstain from overeating. I will probably still end up a bit bloated. i doubt whether I can immediately scale down to the level of food intake which I can really tolerate. But I can really take some steps and really get a lot more functional. The fasting, meanwhile, will continue a healing process that will lift me out of the state of being compulsed to eat when eating is not OK with me. So the fasting will heal the source of the problem. The against-my-will eating is the cause of the problem.)

I have to disclose an ugly truth about last night's fix. It was really huge. I do allow dishonest portion measuring, but if I am honest, I have to admit last night's meal was like, I think, 1150 calories. Okay. Now that is out. Was this long piece preceding this information a way of avoiding this disclosure? Hmmm.

... I wasn't thinking of the consequences when I ate that much. I just had this desire to put a lot of food in myself, to make myself feel "secure." I think I have got to start using my food addiction to curb itself in some sense: I have got to say to myself: I am going to be compulsed to food-fix tomorrow; let me not overeat now so that I do not have to wait forever to be able to tolerate food again.

I have a complete record of this week, of my eating, of my bloating or (joy! healing! breakthrough!) not bloating. I had a sit-down with myself this morning. It was not a complete, clearing, self-examining session, but I conceived that I could make a plan for post-fast eating that would not bloat me. I conceived that I could do this -- make a plan to abstain from overeating. I know now about how much my body can take. I know that on several occasions this week I have actually not bloated. (First, the fast sets me up by releasing a little of the compulsion to overeat.) To begin with: after this fast I know I had a fast-breaking meal that didn't bloat me. So I should plan the same thing for after this coming fast. And then I should make plans for each succeeding meal until the NEXT fast that are feasible but also avoid the bloating I experienced this past week. it is possible.
I will break the fast with a SMALL meal just like last break of fast. Then I will correct my mistakes of this past week. I will write it all down and stick to it. I hope my body is in more or less the same state of food tolerance -- otherwise I will bloat myself even with the careful plan. But I have some confidence. What a load off my mind! My plan now is to fast gradually longer, approximately each week, the fasts being separated by a gradually and correspondingly lengthenign period of time and being immediately followed by a steadily lessening amount of food. So as fasts get longer, the immediate-post-fast eating gets lighter.. a period of "recovery eating", very light, maybe a couple of days of half a regular day's calories (honestly measured)develops. And there is more time in between fasts, so that I can return gradually to eating the full day's allowance of food before starting the next fast. ... All this is, unfortunately, based in a neurotic fear of starvation/attachment to food fixes -- I have the sense, vaguely; but I am healing.

I'll just close with a report on today. I got up sort of feeling okay 'cause last night's meal was heavy on almonds, a less bloating food. I THINK I didn't really bloat on the enema-enabled food slam last night. But it is a lie to say I was really okay.

First place: almonds/nuts were supposed to be out of my diet in my lengthening fasts day count. I am not going to make myself restart my day count, just find a way to accommodate this and compel re-giving up almonds. i think I should not label this a breach of day count cause that is jsut too discouraging. i think I should just make a policy accommodating occasional backsliding. But maybe this will be unnecessary with my new plan of no bloating. It's the bloating that compels the backsliding: I overeat, I bloat, I am compulsed again to take a food fix before such time as my bloatig has healed/my body can tolerate food; I have to take more triggering foods if I don't want to bloat. Or else I have to wait till my body is ready to eat. Hah! Wait?!? I end up taking the more triggering foods. These seduce the body and cause worse kinds of pain than bloating, but because the pain is delayed, I opt for it instead of the bloating. "Bloating" foods are actually really healthy: they don't let you eat them if you are not in condition to eat. You are deterred from eating them by the awareness they will bloat you painfully, give you your pain right up front. you choose to take worse pain later -- like taking an adjustable-rate mortgage. I feel there are definite analogies to food addiction within the workings of financial markets.

So, this morning: I was unstable/unbalanced on my feet,a typical symptom of overeating for me. I am sick of having these symptoms! ... I see that I am about to achieve more food-sobriety! Certain things are no longer OK with me.

I got up and went to 2 AA meetings. I didn't self-disclose, about being not an alcoholic but a food addict, to anyone. I need to. There are some relationships that I need to stop right now since the people are assuming I am an alcoholic. I need to let these people know or just tell them that I can't talk to them any more. But I have to trust my self-disclosure will happen and it will be okay. As I say, I have fully self-disclosed to entire AA meetings before and it has been really actually beautiful. .. But with this group I don't have quite this experience. But I can work on it. I really hate doing soemthing that I feel is wrong. i do feel quite guilty for not self-disclosing.

....After the second meeting I had an unplanned sit-down in the car with myself. But it was a good session and it meant I did not tear right off to the whole foods market to stuff down my "entitled" breakfast. (I've unfortunately entered the "pre-fast phase" mentality now, since I am planning to start my breakthrough 3-day fast soon... I am not trying so much to push the food away if it isnt' OK with me...I am in a mindset of "I'd better eat now in preparation for my fast.. don't want to be too weak to fast.." despite the irrationality of this attitude. Something to work on!

... In my little sit-down with myself this a.m. I realized: hey, I succeeded in avoiding overeating/bloatign on at least a few occasions this week and avoided enemas a lot. I bet I can get even better. I determined to make a total food plan for the week specially planned to have no bloating, or overeating, or dishonest masuring , or lack-of-balance/grogginess symptoms -- as I describe above.

So: right now. Okay - this morning I ate 380 cals. accurately measured. it was almonds and raspberries and after I had as "free food" cherry tomatoes. I had to sit on my hands to stop eating. But I did. i didn't bloat that much. I did bloat a bit but not painfully. It was an okay experience. I did eat way way way before I was even slightly hungry. Bad. But again something to work on.

... So this brigns me to right now. i have this "entitlement" to eat a meal of 600 cals for dinner to end the day. I have been steadily bloated all afternoon. Not like yesterday but still I am not in condition to eat. So I am going to do an enema again to eat comfortably. i do not like this btu am compulsed to do it. Another thing

I read a book once, "Tissue cleansing through bowel management" which actually -- (horribly and irresponsibly and crazily, I believe, but in the context of actual Natural Hygiene, I think! I think the author is an actual natural hygienist. maybe not a purist. )-- sets out a PROGRAM of taking enemas before each meal. This I mention only to stave off harsh comments from posters here -- I am not the only human being in the world who has ever behaved this way. Admittedly I am using this idea from this book to justify myself too .. though also it calms down my general level of anxiety... I don't think so much that I am going to go to hell or die. I am in a sort of violent mode now, as I mention -- just trying to eat 'normal" amounts in anticipation of my 72 hour fast -- even if I have to take enemas to do so; cause my body doesn't WANT "normal" amounts. I am not perfect. I am getting better. maybe after this next fast a LOT better, with my new plan! I want to begin the 72 hour fast maybe Sunday. Maybe that is too soon. Actually, I really think it is just fine. The only issue is my lonelines. My therapist is out of town these 4 days. And I don't have school -- I've dropped my classes to concentrate on my fasting and healing. I need more meetings etc. What can i do to connect more/ I really need to plan and connect in anticipation fo this next fast. OK one thing I can do is go to my sat. a.m. o.a. meeting tomorrow. Maybe reconnecting with certain people from that will be the loving help I need. I can go to a lot of meetings over the weekend. But I am lonely and this is a serious problem and it won't get fixed immediately. I really need to plan for the loneliness during this next fast. I got in what felt liek an almost dangerous place last fst w/ loneliness.. what really happened was I had a panic attack -- there was no danger -- but I DO NOT want that experience. I need to heal my lonelness, period.

One further reason for this upcoming enema is that I want to finish my day early and go to bed early and get up early and meditate. The whole plan is cockamamie cause if I am not ready to eat I should just forgo meditating tomorrow morning and wait until much later to eat. And my real reason for pushing ahead with this plan is I desire to eat NOW rather than later -- not out of any real desire to meditate. ... But I am compulsed, so here I go. But I am getting better, with my willingness not to bloat myself -- with my new projected food plan.

The only thing I have to figure out/commit to is the sit-down to figure out exactly this nonbloating week's food plan that will make a complete program for in between fasts.

Thanks for reading. So much to do, have written for so long,
Lauray