new member looking for a place I can tell my story in comfort.

I am a man. I became a member just recently and am unsure about posting for the first time.

I have been reading postings and am glad to find a resource that has common ground. I have been thru hell and back over the last six months.

I started a new job and had an alcoholic coworker that triggered memories of my mostly forgotten past. I have been going to sessions twice a week for the last month now. I have hit the hardest part to deal with just recently.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster. This is hard talk about but I have to just do it.

I was raped when I was 11 by a boy who I thought was my friend. He was 13 at the time. I didn't know anything about sex at the time.

My life growing up was secluded from outsiders and lacked role models and emotional support.
Sex is considered taboo in my so called family. This friend that I had made was highly motivated to teach me all he knew about sex.


To make it easier, I'll call him A for short. I had my first real best friend and sexual experience with this person. He knew exactly what he was doing as he groomed me for what was to happen. He showed me magazines with people having sex.
At 11, I was interested and hadn't ever seen that kind of explicit material.
He asked if I want to be in "the club". I was willing to do anything just for the attention.
My parents weren't there for me emotionally and his interest in me felt so good for once.

As I'm told by my therapist, boy's touching and experimenting is normal.

That's what started happening shortly after I met A.


To move on briefly, I started sleeping over at his house a few times.


The night that has been haunting me lately happened when I stayed over at his house. It was summer and in the 80s so we slept outside in the screened in room.

I should have known something was up.

He wasn't real talkative as usual. He had a blank look on his face as he came towards me. we had been talking earlier and took our clothes off because it was hot out. I remember him get up and walk past me. I was sitting with my feet under me on top of a sleeping bag. he was behind me and pushed me forward onto my hands and knees.
This is the tough part.

He grabbed my hips and started pushing his fingers into my ass. the pain washed over me with a sharp tearing feeling. i don't know how long he did this. my memory gets faded the farther I go into this. the next thing I remember was him pushing his penis into my ass. from this point on, i don't know what happened between then and when I woke up the next morning. he tore me up and took my innocence away that night.

I have suffered and missed out having a somewhat normal childhood. I'm now 27 and still have intimacy issues with people.

Hugging creeps me out. I had a girlfriend back in high school but her touching and closeness was too much for me. from that night on, my life seems to have stopped.

I have missed out on all the normal things. I have taken steps and got into therapy.

I don't want to live this way. All I want is a normal life. I want to have a family with my future wife but don't see how that will happen. tough makes me cringe.

I can't imagine what sex is like with another person willingly.

Something has to change. I don't want to be the 40 year old virgin and alone forever. I broke my silence in July and told my parents about what happened.

Our relationship has fallen apart and they've disowned me.

This pain has been tearing me apart . I can't write any more.