Day 4 and emotionally topsy turvy

Today is Friday and I will be glad when it is over and my weekend begins. Yesterday was a bit hard for me. I was very sensitive to things and it caused me to go into crying jags. I had doubts about my reasons for fasting and if they were good enough. I was just going with my emotionals and cried no matter I couldn't really explain why I was crying. I just knew I had to let it all out.

Last night was hard, because I wrote out all my feelings on my myspace blog and of course, like a fool posted it. K. called me for a couple minutes before I had to work at my other job and asked me what I would like to do this weekend and I told him I didn't know. I didn't let on about how emotional I was feeling and he read about it on my blog and was texting me because he was concerned.

So for 3 1/2 hours I drank water and prayed a lot about allowing my body to settle down a bit. I know that my feelings of emotional upheaval are do to hormones, which I try to hide when it is that time. I have known from experience that I always fall into a bit of a tired Depression on the 3rd or 4th day, because I am not eating and my body is transitioning to burning fat instead of food. It can be a very low time for me especially when the end of the cycle comes around.

I prayed for strength to see myself through this. I know this isn't going to be the worst of it. If I hit day 14, then I will be wanting to quit because my detox symtoms will be in full swing at that time.

I think I drank about a half a gallon of water yesterday, but I think it was just because I was trying to take my mind off food.

I had one of the attorneys ask me if I have been losing weight or was it just the style of clothing that was more appealing. I told him that I lost about 5 lbs, but it wasn't anything major. I think I only lost that weight because I have been becoming more selctive in what I consume, because I want to eat healthier.

I will have to watch my weight because I am not a big person and it doesn't take long for the excess fat to melt off my body, so I might not be able to go as long as I would like to on my fast. As I have said before. It is really up to my body and to God. Since I am only about 127 lbs, I don't think I could survive going more then a 30 day fast. I would really like to fast until completion so that I can totally refresh, revive and renew my body both physically and mentally. I will just have to see how badly I get hounded by K. or my mother once they find out that I am not physically eating. K. might be very understand, since we have a very strong connection when it comes to God. He would be one that would understand why I need to do that I do, but I know he wouldn't be happy about it. He would worry. He worries when I don't eat much when I am with him. :o)

My mother will be a different matter all together. She will be here for a week in November and if we go out to eat, then what will I do? I guess I could just tell them I am not feeling well. I just hope I am having a lot of detox symptoms then, so I would not be actually telling a lie. I just know if I am fasting when my mother is here, I CAN NOT eat the type of food they want because it would not be breaking my fast properly.

The best of all medicines is resting and fasting - Benjamin Franklin

I haven't noticed anything but my belly seems more hollow because I have no food in my stomach and such. I have to say fasting always gives me a calming feeling.

I know that my liver is currently kicking in extra time as it burns all the left over Sugar in my system and processing an burning fat. I checked my ketone stick this morning and I was burning ketones, but just lightly. I know when the ketones get really heavy, which might be on Saturday or Sunday, I will feel sick as they flood my system. I have to make sure I flush what I can out with drinking water. It is the bad breath and bad odor that is going to get me, since I will be see K. this weekend.

I think I will weigh myself on Sunday and document it just so I know if their is any change and how quickly my body is reacting to just the intake of fluids.

I know I will have a hard time sleeping as well. I always do during a fast, but I hope I am able to relax when I am around K. I don't want him to see that I am uptight. He knows that I love drinking my tea and my VitaminWater so I am sure he will have a stock for me to choose from. I know I will not touch the VitaminWater, but I might be pressured into having a plain cup of hot tea. I might have to do it to pacify him to leave me alone since I will be with him all day Saturday and also maybe a couple hours on Sunday. I have to stay strong. If I have to tell him about the Fast in order for him to leave me alone about it, I will have to.

When the stomach is full, it is easy to talk of fasting - St. Jerome

LOL, fasting is hard in the first stages, but usually when I get to day 5 or 6, I don't think about eating and I just go on my little merry way of doing normal things until the detox symtoms appear on Day 10 or 12. Hopefully they won't hit too hard on me this time, since it has only been about 3 months since I did my last fast.

I was listening to one of my favorite songs by Sanctus Real last night as I cried a little bit while I listen to it on the radio. It is called Whatever You're Doing. It is the extact reason why I am doing my fasting. I have been kind of singing to myself since last night.


It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender



This fast is a time for healing for me. It is a time to mend my breaking heart regarding my dearheart P. It is time for me to fix the things in my life as of relationships with my friends and family that I have laid aside. It is time for me to surrender to fasting and praying, so that God and my body can refresh, revive and renew what has become old in my life.


Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly


During this fast, I know I will feel like things are just chaos, with sleepless nights and detox symptoms, but in the long run, I will have peace. It is always hard to allow things like a fast to do its thing because we as humans are so geared to eating with family, eating with friends, eating when alone, eating when sad and eating to comfort things in our lifes. We even eat when we feel sick, when fasting might be the best thing for us.

I will have to surender alot of things during this fast. Surrender my feelings of love for P. Surrender my fears of helplessness and uncertainity regarding K. Surrender my control to have everything so prefect so people will aceept me. Surrender myself to allow my body to fix itself and reset it back to normal as it should be.

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender

My fast will change me into a better person then I am now. My body will feel better. I will eat better. I will hopefully sleep better. I will feel better mentally as my body resets the chemicals flows that regulates depression. And as this is going on, I will re-evaluate who I really am. And when my fast is over, I will be a totally different person then I was when I went in. With every fast I do, something has changed in me. I can only grow from it in ways that many non fasters do not. To fast is to let so much go and to allow your body to reset itself to a correct position that it should have been in in the first place. When I fast, I learn a new thing about myself that I didn't know before. My personality gets deeper and my life seems more like an ocean rather then just a little puddle on the sidewalk.

That is why I fast. Because it helps me connect with God, with myself and with my body. It makes me whole after all the damage and destruction I have put my body through. It casts out the remainances of pain relivers, cough surups, addititives, preservivites and God knows what else is in our food that we eat.

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Fasting is a time of surrending what you think you know and allowing your body to do what it knows. Your body knows that needs to be done to correct it. I am surrending my body and mind to God and allowing this fast to clean me in a way that we should all do at times. It is going to allow my body to feel more like a newborn then some work haggard 34 year old that works two jobs and has emotional issues with a wishy washy exboyfriend. I am going to be new! And I am going to enjoy it, no matter when the detox symptoms are heavy and horrible.

As K. has told me about why he has been sticking around and getting to know me when I am kind of wishy washy myself regarding how I feel about him. He does it because the outcome is far greater then the risk he takes. I understand that a bit better how. The outcome of a fast is far greater then the petty detox symptoms and uncomfortableness that I will expeirence. I only hope that during my fast that I also might be able to see clearly how I feel about K. and be confident about various things. :o)

Last night when I was crying at my computer, because I wouldn't talk to him on the phone. He knew I was at my computer and he knew I was really struggling deeply with somethings. He IM'd me just to say.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

4: Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5: It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6: Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

7: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

8: Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Of course I just cried harder as he put various quotes up reminding me that whatever I am going throught just seems big, but really it is just so small compared to the important stuff in life like reminding me how I enjoy spending time with his 3 year old son and I smile because I am happy.

He also reminded me to read my keychain he gave me a couple weeks ago. The front of it just says 29 eleven but on the back is says. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

This is the reason why I fast, With prayer and God by my side, I can see clearly with a clear heart on what is in front of me. That I can let go of my heartache for a love passed and be able to walk confidently along a path and know that I am really going the right direction in my life.

I know I can only do this with a fast. Beacuse I can't do it alone and if I am going to surrender, I am going to surrender all, so that my body, my mind and my heart are healed and I can truly start a new.

Sigh..

It seems overwhelming, but I have faith I will see it through