Rape Survivor -PLEASE READ- I need support & want to help support others...

Alright, I have read through a number of posts in here, & there are some sincerely interesting comments & courageous instances of soul-bearing. That said, however, there doesn't seem to be the same sense of community & network of meaningful support that one would likely find in many of the other topic forums on curezone. I am not trying to suggest that no one in this forum is offering sincere support to others or that it has failed to provide support altogether, simply that it appears to me to lack a sense of solidarity & unity among its participants as is evident in other forums. I suspect this is likely do to the subject matter... Looking over the postings, it stood out to me that many of the messages had been viewed 200-300 times yet contained no responses or additional threads. As a rape survivor myself, this makes total sense. When something like that happens to you, you often feel very scared & alone. You are ashamed & uncertain of how to respond or what to do next. You want help but aren't sure where to find it. Even if you know where to turn, the courage it takes to ask for help may not yet be within your reach. I browsed this forum myself when I was first assaulted just trying to find something to grasp onto, some answer or direction. It has been over a year for me now since the last of a string of harmful events went down. Over this past year, through my many ups & downs, what I have come to learn above all else is that there is no clear answer. There is no precise formula for recovery nor any one step-by-step guide which will ensure one's sanity & personal growth throughout the healing process. And as much as this frightens or discourages me to this day, it does not mean recovery & healing are unattainable. Of course there are certain steps that one may take or which multiple survivors may find helpful, however the bottom line is that the path of recovery will differ for each person. Everyone's situation is unique- & I am not just referring to the rape itself but rather the lifestyle, personality, & characteristics of the victim & the victim's way of life both before & after the incident occurred. These differing situations make each persons response to the incident unique. We often share many of the same feelings, but the most successful way of approaching & dealing with them will depend on each of our individual stories. This is the difficult part- you have to try to do what's best for you personally following such a traumatic experience. For some people that might be going to the police & filing charges. For other people that might only exacerbate the situation & make things worse. Some people will need turn to their friends & family for support while others may benefit from appealing to anonymous or impersonal channels. Some people may benefit from focusing on something else right away, diving into your work or immersing yourself in some other activity or hobby. Others will need to take time off, pull away & just try to feel safe again while working through the emotions as they come. I'm sure everyone gets the idea. I just want to be sure to emphasize how individual the healing process for rape survivors truly is. So if you are here looking for 'answers,' don't be surprised or discouraged if something that worked for someone else does not work for you. Also, don't feel weird or wrong if someone else experienced totally different feelings or reacted in a very different way after surviving an instance of rape. That's all I'll ramble on as far as that goes... I just wanted to share w/everyone this bit of insight from my limited amount of time trying to recover from my own experiences w/rape.

What I would really like to do is use this forum as an outlet to share my personal feelings & day-to-day struggles/insights while navigating my own path towards recovery. Over the past year I have established some solid sources of support but I still feel alone from time to time. Not to mention I hate bothering other people w/my troubles & sometimes I know that unless they have gone through the experience themselves, there is just no way they will ever really understand what I'm going through. I have considered attending group therapy sessions in my area for rape survivors, but those events have definite time & place restrictions. If my triggers & emotional mood-swings had coinciding time & place restrictions I suppose that might work out just fine. (Just in case you didn't catch my hint of sarcasm in the last sentence, I meant to imply these weekly/monthly sessions are unrealistic in accommodating my need for timely support.) Some people might be able to just keep a journal or diary or make a mental note to bring up at the next meeting. I, however, am not yet to that stage in my recovery & need to release my emotions as they arise. That's the beauty of the internet of course- no time or place restrictions & the constant possibility that someone else is available & able to read my post w/o delay. I am also still a bit timid & embarrassed to discuss my experiences in person. When I am face-to-face w/someone I often shut-down & try to stay "strong." The anonymity of online communication is probably ideal for many survivors considering the common associated feelings of guilt, shame, & self-hatred we commonly confront. I must also admit the idea of sitting in a room w/a bunch of crying girls talking about how we were victimized is just, well, depressing. I know that is a generalization & I'm sure a lot more goes on in group therapy sessions beyond just hugs & tears. That said, I would hate to be stuck in a room feeling pressured to provide support when all the emotions & sharing made me feel like I just couldn't breathe & needed to escape. Not very productive to say the least. So, the point is that curezone's rape survivor forum is an ideal resource for me to work through my own attempts at healing & overcoming obstacles. I suspect this forum is similarly ideal for many other rape survivors, or simply those effected by rape. So as I try to utilize this resource I would like to encourage anyone else to jump in & comment or share your feeling or experiences too. I may not have an answer for you & I certainly don't expect you to supply one for me. What I am looking for here are friends, people who understand what I'm going through. And if by chance you find some inspiration or derive some insight from something I share, then even better. As a rape survivor I do not feel it is my duty to help others (nor is it anyone else's duty to step in & help me), however I feel I am finally at a place in my own recovery where I may actually be able to assist or at least comfort other people similarly situated. So if you have any questions do not be afraid to ask. Even if they are very personal I will not be offended. At worst I will simply tell you I am uncomfortable answering that right now. If you are too afraid to post you are welcome to contact me w/a private message. However I will forewarn you I do not regularly check that e-mail address & am far more interested in focusing on this public forum as a means for deriving support. If you do wish to message me about other contact information, like an instant messaging screenname, that I am definitely open to. I have both aim & yahoo profiles which I may share upon request. This will be for the sole purpose of chatting online & providing further real-time support of course. I know what it feels like to be alone. I have felt so scared & confused I couldn't leave my apartment for weeks. I still slip into that mindset when I confront a trigger or am under a lot of stress, or sometimes for no apparent reason at all. I am not a therapist or counselor & cannot give professional advise. But I can share my experience & offer whatever knowledge or support I can to other people touched by rape.

So that covers my intentions & desires for use of this forum. I do not want to get too caught up in the details of my own experiences w/rape because I don't think that is what recovery is all about. I am more concerned with learning to cope with the feelings that result from having gone through such traumatic experiences. That said, I do recognize the value in sharing what happened & I'm sure there are many other people who are struggling to gain the courage to talk about what happened to them. I also want everyone to have a base understanding of my history & experience w/rape so you can all better understand what I may share in the future. I will provide a summary of what happened to me over the past couple years so that everyone can have a context from which to view/understand my personal reactions & emotions to these events. If you relate to what what happened to me & find some comfort in that then terrific. But if your situation is very different (factually or otherwise), do not be dismayed, as you will likely identify w/some of my emotions & struggles after the fact. Since this post is already soooooooooooo long, I will describe my history in a different entry above. IF you got through all this thanks- hope it wasn't too tedious:) And if you or someone you know is a survivor of rape, please know that you are not & never will be alone. Help is out there, you just have to be strong enough to reach out to others & brave enough to accept the help that is offered in return. It isn't easy, but it is far better than going it alone! Best wishes & strength to you all!
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