I woke up at our 10 year marriage anniversary which never took place

I can't believe it but it took me a whole 10 years of incredible suffering to wake up to the truth. the day before our 10 year wedding anniversary we got into some hostilities. It happened so quickly, one word gave another. so we were at a farmer's market and I just left him there. Couldn't stand looking for a man who just had called me names and irritated me. I could see where everything was heading and so I just drove off home. I was suddenly just extremely tired. I didn't talk to him that whole day and he didn't talk either. Same next day at our 10 year anniversary. I didn't really know what was going on. I just knew that 10 years was enough of what I had endured. And then finally it hit me reading this name of a diagnosis here on this site. It took me so damn long. Today I felt quite a lot of shame for having been so abused so long.
I feel so stupid. He started it all right from the beginning - made fun of me falling in love with him. Told me how stupid I was. I was so attracted to him. I was trying to kill myself at various points in our relationship. Once he found me in a situation which was not very promising to die that way. Made fun of me of that, too. ("you are too stupid to kill yourself") We are both Buddhists and he acts very holy around lamas. I always knew something was terribly wrong - but I couldn't get away from him because of various reasons (I was illegal for some years, I couldn't run my business without his help, we were in the midst of building a house, I was exhausted from all the work and the relationship). Finally, I find I am at a point, where I can see that I have to leave after seeing the truth, having read the facts, and understanding, that 10 years of efforts trying to reach some heart in a heartless man is enough. He shows most all signs although he has helped me also a lot in those years with my business and giving me the necessary backbone I needed.

but now I can't take it any longer as I have to beg him for anything and he gets lazier by the day. I can't respect him anymore for what he does as he doesn't get up in the mornings if I don't wake him and even if I am under terrible pressure from work, doesn't help me without me having to beg and beg. It just kind of imploded, everything, my ego is long gone, my heart feels empty in a good way, empty of pain as I have long realized that me crying, shaking, suffering, wanting to die and just getting plain crazy for affection doesn't do a thing.

I don't know what to do with my life at this point. I came to an island just for living with him. I have almost no friends here because my work and this marriage exhausted me and never gave me space to develop anything. It was always leading to tensions if I had something what he didn't have.

We have a beautiful house and land with fruittrees and chickens and a view to the ocean. I have never lived so luxurious. I don't have to pay rent. I was accustomed to pleasing him and being happy doing so as this was a good Buddhist practice. It is just these occasional moments like a 10 year anniversary that I wish to be acknowledged somehow, getting treated to something special. But we always had bad anniversaries and he always made it look that I was doing the fighting. But now I saw that it is real easy for him to trigger me to fight.

I don't know where to start, don't know where to go and only know I need to get a divorce. I need to get out. But I don't know if I want to stay on this island and continue my business or what?

He never wanted me to leave and get a divorce which I always counted as a sign of love but now understand better. I get less and less from him over the years. It got better I thought because I freaked out less and less. I understood that I didn't get anything from him without begging and subjected myself to that. But it is tiring when he has no work and I have a lot of work and he doesn't help without asking to do some food or some cleanup after I made breakfast for him. There is endless fighting for little things over which adults shouldn't have to talk. but he always helped me with any computer problem and so I couldn't imagine being without him as I am not smart with PC's at all.

Oh, God, I guess, I better stop. This is too long already. Sorry for that. Tweet