How to turn a negative mind into a positive one, need help

Hello


Sorry for the long message but try to read it.

About 4 years ago my mindstate changed. Like when I'm thinking about something I'm thankful for, my mind automatically turns that thought into the opposite of what I would want to happen. To keep it short and since my english isn't that good, i'll just write an example (and this is just an example, don't try to put something on it)
I'm thinking about that I'm good in math and that i'm thankful for it, then suddenly my mind changes into: I wish I wasn't good in math, and I wish (a person I hate) would get all my math knowledge so he be good in it. (It does sound stupid but I'm trying to write it down exactly how it is).
So 1st thing to know: It's not a voice that says this in my head, it's the thought, so basically 'picturing it', and I try to put it into words here.

I know some people out there are going to think that you can just write something like, 'from now on everytime these thoughts occure just say "SHUT UP" to them, problem solved'.

Please read on carefully, i'll know once you read my assumptions on this, you might get interested since I've already understood about this problem for a huge part. And I really need your help, this is controlling my life, it has destroyed me already SO much that you can't imagine. Please help me with this, read on! Thank you.

So after that, I went from being 1 of the best in math of my school, to definetly the worse. Grades went from A all the time, to F all the time.
Ok so first for you all to understand one thing, the previous example was just an example (1 of the 10 million examples). So you have to understand that it has nothing to do with MATH.
Now to make it more interesting you have to understand it's not only about things your mind learns/knows/knowledge. So it's not that. Else you could explain this by saying, it's all in your head.. since you believe in it, your mind will do bad in math on purpose.

Another example:
I was watching TV about someone who had foot mould, and then suddenly my mind made it 'i hope i have it'. Next thing happens, within few weeks i get it.
So now you're thinking, it's anything what has to do in mind and body, now next example will proof it's not.

Next example:
I was looking at a commercial of mitsubishi cards years back, and then suddenly my mind comes up with 'I wish this company went broke' (they were successful at that moment). 2 Weeks later I look at the news and it says employees losing their jobs cause mitsubishi has to close many of their territories, else going bankrupt.

I know many will say, it's just a coincidence. But it's happened so many times that coincidence is not a possibilty.

It's all day, no stops. For every thought I get, it turns negative automatically and I can't stop it. It's been for 4 years, back then it wasn't this bad. It got worse from time to time. I remember it used to be just a thought, but after the first few months it's been added with a certain feeling in my head everytime I get this thought. I can't explain this feeling but it's like a synchrone feeling along with the thought. So this is how I know everytime when it happens, that it's truly happened. And therefore I can kinda forspell what's going to happen cause I know that it's going to happen once I get this feeling.

Since then I've been trying to control these thoughts. But everytime I did this, it would take a LOT of energy, cause I didn't just change the thought.. I tried to 'undo' the thought by going deep into my mind (this process is not explainable, but just so you know, it's extremely tired making, then also realize that I get thousnads of these thoughts a day). So I did this for months and months, and suddenly got kinda isolated in my mind, cause I put all my concentration on these thoughts, during EVERY moment of the day. So my school prestations and everything else were totally ruined, and yet instead of atleast having peace, I was spending more energy a day than you could imagine. So far that I couldn't even barely move my arms from being exhausted.

And since doing this, it too has also become an automatic thing. So now I have 2 feelings everytime I get this thought, one that is trying to release itself (the 1st negative feeling), and one that is like a squeeze of brains trying to build some kind of wall to avoid this (2nd feeling). So right now I'm in this position that I've lost ALL possible energy, all possible positive thinking, all hope and EVERYTHING. I'm this close to insanity, I put every last piece of my sanity into writing this topic.

These thoughts are not voices. And the only way to turn them around is not by 'talking, or saying THAT what u want'. The negative thought comes automatically right after I think of something, so once this happens, I have to try to follow up this thought and change it into that what I want. But this here is something no one can ever have control over. And though it's so much energy-taking, it's impossible to do this 1000 times a day. It's so UNEXPLAINABLE, please try to figure out what I'm talking about.



And one last thing, I watched The Secret 1 and a halve year AFTER doing all this. The first time I only watched the halve of it, then I had to go to sleep. before going to bed I thought to myself, I'll watch the rest tomorrow, and while thanking God for this suddenly my mind comes up with, if you don't watch it tomorrow then it'll be gone for good. And this is the spot where I tried to control this thought by turning it into:, If I don't watch the Secret tomorrow, it'll cost me $5 to watch it the next time I decide to.
Next day I didn't watch it at all. Then the day after it I went back on google, and it was gone. And I couldn't find it anymore, until one day I found it back and it said, it costs $5 to watch this. So now how interesting is this? How could this happen everytime so exactly, $5.


I don't know what to do anymore, please someone take this serious. Look the examples i mentioned above aren't badly at all, I do not care about giving $5, or that mitsubishi went broke or whatever, the thoughts I get NOW are much worse. You can say now, 'simply just don't think these thoughts'. It's impossible cause it's not that I am thinking of it. It's just when I think of SOMETHING, directly it changes into what I don't want. And it's automatically. Automatically......... so it HAPPENS before even being able to know that it happens. And now explain me, what should I do when I get these thoughts? All these years I've been trying to change it, but the way I change it is like i said above, an exhausting brain destroying process, else you can't change it.


My assumption why this all happens is the following:
All my life i have had OCD. So anything that I've done a few times, must be repeated. Like when I shake my head, then I've to do this every few minutes. And to finaly stop this once I've been doing it for months, will be very hard. BUT, it's possible, since if I don't do it for a few days, it'll get easier to stop it, and if I haven't done it for like a week or two.. then I don't have the need to do it anymore.

So I think that this same feeling/thought I get in my mind everytime I think of something positive, is because of my OCD. But thing is, it happens automatically, so there is no way for me to stop it from happening. The reason I could stop shaking my head was cause it doesn't happen by itself, my mind just wants to shake it, so I can just not do it. But this thought is automatic, there is no way for me not to do it. Please someone help me, look the thoughts I get now are about deadly diseases and other badly things. And for a while I stopped trying to counter these thoughts, but now I get all these symptoms that these deadly diseases are actually happening too. How can I put my mind back in a positive way when the negative thoughts happen automatically?

Please someone, help me. Tweet