Dating vs the relationship I fought for

I fought for the relationship I am in now. The thing is he and I have broken up a couple of times over the last couple of years. This last time, I'm told that I was genuinely mourning his loss and desperately knew that I wanted him back. Well, once I got him back, he moved back in and now I'm not so sure. I feel like if he hadn't moved back in, I'd be dating someone else right now.

I don't understand why I wanted him back so badly when...now that I have him back, I'm scared. I think it's that I know there are two options. We will either break up again (for good) or stay together and get married. When thinking about the two options, I'm not so sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him anymore, and if we break up, I'll feel like an ass for insisting that I knew what to do to make it work and getting him back for one final round. We're in eachothers blood and have invested a lot of time and money into eachother. The only difference between us and a married couple is the legal papers.

I know that I enjoy spending time with him and being friends with him...and sharing things with him, but he has hurt me a lot and he seems to think that I've done all the hurting. I think I realized all this when we had our first argument. I had an attitude at 7 in the morning (forgive me for being grumpy upon waking up!!!)and he mentioned that maybe I hadn't changed and I will be taking all my stress out on him just like always. Then I realized that he genuinely denies that he's hurt me far worse than I've ever hurt him...and that this time it was up to me to make it work. As though he's not going to put any effort into it and it's all up to me. At my weak moments, it makes me feel like he came back as a favor to me. Like he's just waiting for me to make a small mistake.

At the same time, he's already moved back in. I just don't know if I'm really happy with him anymore. i've been flirting with a guy at work and apparently he was going to ask me out but then he found out that I got back with my boyfriend. Knowing that just makes things worse because now I can't stop flirting with him because I know I could have him if I wanted. AND I bring that home with me and it makes me overanalyze whether I really have it in me to stick out one relationship for more than just a few years or if I need something new. I miss the freedom that I gained when he left...but when he was gone, I was a mess.

He can be very mean sometimes...but I'm told that I am also a very mean person. He is contradictory in the boundaries of our relationship. He gets upset that I talk to guy friends but it's okay for him to take a trip without me and admit that he'll probably hang out with his ex girlfriend (from about 5 years ago who now has a kid) who he was talking to on the phone last time I came home. She sounded very flirtatious and he just doesn't get why that would bother me. He's cheated on me before.

To top it off, I was actually upset when the guy at work found out that I was no longer single. I've never cheated before and I don't think I have it in me to do so but I just can't get it off my mind. Actually, my assistant manager at work cornered me about it saying that I was settling for an %¤#&!§-when I could have had someone better...and he's never even met the guy.
I'm so afraid to ask him to leave because I was such a mess when he was gone and practically did everything in my power to get him to come back...I don't want to be alone again and realize that I lost something great. Tweet