Feeling sad

I was thinking about the recent string of posts, and I was reminded of something.

When I was with my abusive husband I was sad a lot. I was also afraid. Actually afraid and sad sort of ruled my world. No matter how much I tried to pretend I was not feeling these things, it was true. You know how this is whenever they raise their hand just making a gesture while telling a story, and you flinch...almost cower. Many women saw me do this and never said a word. Never asked me if I was OK.

And I was really scared of being alone. I guess I'd been told a long time that if I were to leave, that no one would want to be my friend. And no one would ever want to have sex with me. I should be grateful. And that made me very sad. Sad that I was such a pathetic person. Even looking in the mirror I felt ugly. And I felt grateful that I did have a man sleeping next to me every night. A man who many times was OK, not mean or hurtful. But there was always the feeling that it could change really quickly. That was the fear. It never let me be entirely happy.

The best times with this man is when he actually hurt me. After he was really nice to me for a long time. Almost a perfect spouse. It was like a honeymoon. It was like my fantasy of who he was. It was perfection.

But it would always change again. And it seemed that each time it was worse. He became more violent, more verbally abusive, more disrespectful in every way. I often felt like a "thing" or a "burden" or someone that just had to be "tolerated".

This lovely man left me for another woman. I cannot even tell you how devastated I was. I cried at least 4 hours a day for at least 5 months. I refused to move out of the house, and so did he. Often he didn't come home for 24 hours or more. (Actually, this was before I knew he was seeing someone else, but he did tell me he wanted a divorce). I hoped that he would change. I even went so far as to try to get him to hit me. I guess at that point he had disengaged. By not hitting me was the worst abuse I could imagine. Can you imagine that?

After I moved away I remember very distinctly waking up one morning and not being afraid. I wasn't sad. I didn't feel bad about myself. I remember that day vividly. The whole day I shook my head in wonderment. I went shopping. I hiked with a girlfriend and then dressed up and went out to dinner and drinks. I sort of wandered around. I came home and it was so quiet. I watched some TV. I took a bath. I ate an entire bag of cookies. No one was watching me, or mocking me, or judging me. I went to bed smiling. It was an almost perfect day.

The next day I called my Mom and Dad. I wasn't really allowed to see them when married. So I went to see them and my Grandma. No need to tell them what happened. It was just good to see them. I lingered there for a long time and went home very late.

People at work asked me what I had done that weekend. They said I looked beautiful, fresh and relaxed. It made me smile even more.

At the end of that week a mutual friend called to say that the woman my husband left me for was on a date with him that weekend. He was pulled over and taken in for a DUI. It was right after he told her he was getting a divorce, and she told him that she didn't want to deal with the mess and broke up with him. Apparently 15 minutes later he was being asked to walk a straight line. Gosh, not that I'm vindictive, but that made me smile too. Heard it on a Friday and didn't stop quietly laughing to myself until Sunday.

That was the beginning. I haven't looked back. No, it's not been paradise since, but I'm not afraid. And I would say that I can go for a long time just being happy. I am now married to a man who lets me be me. I'm free.

I wanted to post this in case there are any women out there that feel fear and sadness on a daily basis. This is not how you were supposed to be. No one should feel that. And if it's your boss you feel this for, for god's sake, quit!!

Molly


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