Re: aggressive behavior towards toys

Hey NB --

I am so sympathetic as I cannot stand the feeling I get when my girls (who are 2 1/2) treat their stuffies or each other in a harsh or angry way. I feel like, "I have done EVERYTHING to ensure that you will be kind and sweet little girls at all times...how DARE you let me down this way???" (Obviously this is not logic-based but ego-based, my own sense of how great a parent I am is challenged when they do this kind of thing, and it has little to do with what they are actually doing.)

As they have moved into this newer more independent phase they seem to have been doing some of the same things you describe with your daughter -- kind of testing what is "assertive" and becoming more opinionated with us and also with the things around them. I chalk it up to expanded emotional capacity and language capacity and learning how to negotiate those.

Specifically, when they are upset because they don't get what they want from me or around me, I tell them something like, "I know it's disappointing to you, but I can't do XYZ right now..." and stay firm on the issue. Sometimes I do need to take a step back and see if I have been trying to get a lot done here at the expense of sitting down and playing with them.

When they have treated dolls or stuffies less than kindly, I point that out ("That's not very nice!") and/or remove the object of their abuse.

I've also realized that they are very used to having me there and available at all times...I stay at home with them and I would be almost concerned if they didn't take me for granted in that way! I nursed them until 26 months, and have always felt pretty connected to them because of all of these things...staying at home, extended nursing, co-sleeping, etc. While I'm glad about having made all those choices, I also assume that when I do need to be more "selfish" so to speak, that they are not going to like it a whole lot! Stopping nursing was hard for them and we had to do it pretty abruptly b/c of some medication I was taking. Going to sleep in their own beds is not their favorite thing to do. And so forth -- I can certainly see how it might have been less stressful in some ways to make the decisions to stop those things earlier on, because to cause displeasure to a child in their 3rd or 4th year is to deal with a little someone who is very attached to what they like and who has the capacity to be vocal about it and to let you know that they are upset via behaviour, too! A 6- or 9-month old just cannot do that. Your daughter, I think, is just processing her feelings in the best way she can that she would prefer to have you there and available at all times, which is her preference because you always have been -- don't take that too heavily, and trust the decisions you have made in parenting her.

I do believe that part of our job as parents is to help our children to trust and enjoy the company of other adults. Whether it's an occasional babysitter, or preschool, etc. Raising a child does not occur in a vacuum, and it helps children build confidence and skills to be taken care of by others. Your little girl may not like it (again, she probably would prefer to have you there 24/7), but that doesn't mean she will never like it, or that you are wrong to leave her with a babysitter when you have things to do.

I hope this is helpful and not offensive in any way (I have been writing and then running up and down the stairs to see what my girls are up to). But it has sounded to me that you have made good decisions with her and that you parent from a loving and kind place...my advice is to trust that.

Best,

Laura Tweet