My thoughts on my addiction

I've traded the stock market on and off for the past 12 years~

I've never had a profitable year; and I've used money that I shouldnt have.

I thought I was over the past and that I 'learned' from my mistakes ... I recently started up trading again and soon got the feeling I was gambling again.
My account swung violently in either direction and then a couple weeks ago I took a huge loss. My heart still aches from knowing that I did this to myself; I wanted to stop and to re-evaluate what I was doing and how I was trading. But I felt like I couldnt; I felt hooked on the fact that I could win.

During my recent 'trading' adventure I had the feeling that a lot of the reasons why I end up trading the way I do is from lack of discipline. I wasnt brought up by parents that were very disciplined (as a matter of fact there was very little discipline). So I started to think that perhaps the reasons for my behavior was from this.

Also I remember when I took psych. classes at school we learned why gambling can become so addictive ... their random rewards and the appearence of very large winnings that are within your reach are very addictive.

I remember listening to Tony Robbins and he stresses how the body learns from pleasure and pain. I'm sure many of you are like me in which we find ourselves in cycles. Menaing we stay away from it for awhile and then go back and find ourselves right back where we were. We need to breakout of the cycle to create new pleasure and pain cycles.

The main reason we gamble is for the money ... and what the money could do for us, our friends, loved ones etc ...

I started to get the feeling (during my last exploration into the stock market) that in order to take my mind from the addictive gambling frame I needed to look at trading; not for the money but for the enjoyment and to think I have all I need right now. My mind really wrestled with this; in a way I felt as if I wouldnt want to trade as much if I didnt concentrate on the money and it wasnt as appealing to me. But perhaps this is how it should be ...

...

I dont know what is the worst feeling ... the feeling of having lost money or the feeling of betraying yourself

I find it hardest to forgive myself for my misdeeds; to learn from my mistakes and to accept the way I am so I can be something else.

...

I hope all of us here can find inner peace Tweet