hi there

I have a question please, hoping you might give me some personal insight.
I have been told that I keep recycling a *victimhood mentality*
but I do not feel this way in my inner self.

My intent, has taken me a long ways bit by bit,
to release and break free from old cycles, and I admit that I still have much
more work to do , but also acknowledge how far I have come, and appreciate
the whole life experience as a part of growing and learning.

Recently, I lost a very close friend, because I refused to go out for walks,
in 19-20 degree weather, when I have been ill with diahhrea and stomach upset
for a good 10 days.. and living in an unheated home, getting very weak and chilled
from all this.
He chose to break off the friendship because I refused to go out and walk,
claiming my excuse was simply a product of wanting to continue in victimhood,
and he did not want people like that in his circle of friends.
(and if I ever did start going out again , I could email him then)

This hurt, yes, but I am looking at it from a positive perspective,
with all the great things and experiences I have learned,
and truly wish him the best, and believe that we all go our separate ways
at one time or another anyhow.
EDIT ADD:
I also know that he did what he did because he cares about me,
and in his own way was trying to motivate me.
So I truly bear him no grudge, when he was doing what he felt was right,
and not being manipulate etc. I realise the difference between the two.



Well, right after this, the next day,
I tripped and fell and damaged my leg severely ,
far worse than I have ever done before.
This is frustrating to me,
since I just ordered a new rebounder with stabiliser bar,
and a floor pedal exerciser to rebuild leg strenght so I can get out more,
this spring.
(I have not gone outside but a very few time in almost 14 years,
due to a bad experience/ stalker related and had head injuries and heat strokes,
etc had to relearn walk and talk.. I did start to go out walking when my daughter
was here, a few blocks at a time, and did ride with her in car when she grocery shopped, because my intent remains to get reintegrated with society again.)

My son asked me yesterday, (this being the 4-5th timeof falling and damaging this same leg) why did I think it kept happening to same leg?

I felt it was a good question, when all my intent really is to get out this spring,
and I picture myself walking around, looking great feeling great, out in sunshine again , and smelling the air , listening to the birds and trees and life / nature
that i so love..
I talk to my body alot,
telling it I love it, that is is strong and capable, beautiful etc,
and also love the problems that come up as part of the whole,
embracing all aspects as best I can..

My thought, somewhat, along what recently happened..
do you think perhaps that my subconcious self,
accepted what he said , about me still being in victimhood and that I will never
actually accomplish breaking from it since I refused to do what he said?
(IE: get out in 19-20 degree weather and walk )

but even at that?
I am more concerned why it keeps happening to exact same leg,
and almost exact same spot?

I am trying not to create a *drama* about this,
and have told no one up to this point about thissituation,
except my daughter(who lives in another state now.)
cause I am not looking for *pity parties* etc/
or really to lend my energy to negative thoughts about this,
since I know that where we focus our thoughts on , that is what we tend to attract.

So I know that for whatever reason, I myself am responsible for what keeps occuring,
inspite of my intent to get strong and get out/ esp since I plan to move hopefully
this year and not go thru another winter in this unheated, moldy old home, with
major plumbing pipes broken (we can't take showers anymore now either)

I am so very much anticipating moving to a better climate, a better home,
to be near folks that are vegans like me and have a great many organic food farms
nearby (which we have non in city where I live)
I cannot believe that soemhow I am obstacling myself from this future,
when I am so happily anticipating it.

Any thoughts you might have along these topics I woudl greatly appreciate.
Thanks so much,

Love,
Ami Joi Benton

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