Re: Desperate

When people, especially young women continue to sabotage themselves and hide away from peers, the most serious problem is not losing weight, but addressing the problem that has caused the weight gain, unwillingness to do the right things, and the fear of being herself around others. This indicates an emotional eating disorder just as surely as anorexia or bulimia. Chances are something or someone has hurt or scared your daughter to the point where it is easier for her to hide under layers of fat than risk being hurt, embarrassed, put down or whatever triggered this problem. There are no easy answers to this problem, largely because your child is at an age where she probably does not want to open up or confide.

I wish I could give you an easy answer that would be guaranteed to work for everyone. Sadly this is not possible. The best advice I can give you is to commit your family to a healthy Diet at home. If you and all the other family members follow a healthy Diet and refuse to have any high calorie, empty calorie foods in the house, then when she eats at home, she will get proper food. You can't do much about what she eats on her own, but you can control the family's food; although you may hear cries of protest. Secondly, please try not to criticize your child and just accept her as she is. No matter how well intentioned and worried you may be, her teenage ears will only hear nagging and probably make her self esteem fall even lower because she will feel once again like a failure and not good enough.

A weight loss camp with qualified counselors and peers who are like her sounds ideal. But nothing is going to work for her until she is willing to face the problem and take aggressive action to overcome it. No amount of nagging, bribes, fear tactics, or vicious teasing will help, in fact it will probably do more harm and make her retreat even deeper into the lonely world she has created for herself. She has to want it badly enough to take responsibility and quit hiding.

Before you think I am a judgmental know-it-all, let me say that this is my story. I was abused sexually at a young age and my mother refused to support me. From age five I felt like I was a bad, dirty girl. Years of verbal and emotional abuse led me to pretty much hide from the world. Another abusive incident when I was older is what drove me to a pattern of uncontrolled eating. I did not know why at the time, but now, decades later, I know I was trying to hide under layers of fat so no one would hurt me that way again. Food became my best friend, family, comforter, and in a way lover. I could satisfy one sense, while denying myself a fully satisfying life. If I am not careful, I can still fall into that pattern of thinking.

I am not saying that your daughter has been abused as I was, or that her parents are as emotionally distant and non-supportive as mine were, but there is something blocking her wanting to be whole. Even if she remains overweight, she needs to somehow confront whatever demons are causing her behavior. Please keep the channels of communication open in a non judgemental way. Avoid nagging, but let her know you are there to help her. Most of all, love her and let her know she is loved just as she is.