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First of all, I could not get through your volumes of concerns. It's too long for one post, and this tells me a couple of very important facts about your situation. You are very upset, very afraid, and working like a fiend to keep this ill-fated marriage together. This also tells me that you would benefit from some individual counseling therapy and, perhaps, separate from your spouse while you sort some of this out for yourself. What he does, what his family does, what his friends do.....you do not have control over any of this. You only have control over your own choices and decisions, and making a wise decision and choice requires heavy duty contemplation, not knee jerk emotions. In other words, what we feel is not what "is." What "is" doesn't involve feelings or emotions - it just "is." And, it "is" a fact that you cannot manage this dysfunctional family. You can only manage yourself, bottom line.
You feel obligated to make the world a good place for this man - to make up for his family dysfunction so, in due time, he will trust you, love you, and appreciate everything that you do and sacrifice for him. In return, he will stop behaving badly, stand up against his dysfunctional family, and finally become the man that you know he can be. This will never, ever happen.
If he is not being honest in therapy, he's not going to be honest in recovering, and he isn't honest or truthful with you in daily life, either. Yeah, you're married and you had a wedding and all of that, but you are young enough to learn from this decision, sort yourself out for a couple of years, and try, again. What you thought isn't what "is."
Nobody has the power or control to make a tin can turn into a fluffy kitten, and this guy is bad news. His family is bad news. I was married to someone that seemed different from his family and I made myself believe that he was a great fellow. He was a very, very bad man and I'm not going into what he did in this post. The point I'm trying to make is that we often will try to make something fit into our systems of beliefs and values when whatever it is clearly cannot and will not. This fellow will not turn out the way you're expecting him to.
Good luck to you.
Urbangirl50, I am sorry for this dreadful unrest within your family.
You typed, "I visit my mom but it hurts a lot cuz no one recognized what happened in light of trying to share my feelings. I hate to cut off my mom but I am not sure what else to do. I have done lots of counselling and have been brought to the place where I need to protect myself. Thoughts?" I am not certain that I clearly understand what you're asking for, though you mentioend that you felt that you needed advice. If you feel that you need validation, you have the power to provide that to yourself with calm and careful contemplation - sitting with whatever the issues are and removing the emotions and feelings from the facts, as they are.
The whole dynamic of this situation is extraordinarily toxic - exes marrying former in-laws, and a parent ignoring the ill deeds of an adult offspring......all very toxic, at the least. That your mother's "best friend" is someone who is an entire generation away from her isn't healthy, whatsoever, and the fact that this individual is her former daughter-in-law is even more toxic to all parties involved. Is your father involved in this, at all? Is there a history of toxic dynamics in this family? With that, I'm asking if there are relatives with behavioral disorders or mental illnesses, addictive personalities, etc......reviewing the whole family dynamics back for a couple of generations can often shed some very intense light on what was passed along through DNA, and what was taught through the choices and behaviors of predecessors. This brother that was married to your mother's "best friend" duped you in a business deal? Where is he in all of this? Is he out of the picture or is he the darling of the family? What are his issues? Are there any children being dragged through this mess? There are too many details to consider in this debacle, and it is really not necessary for you to actually answer any of the questions that I've put forth. The questions are meant for you to consider. So, please, don't feel that you need to answer them - just think about the truthful answers, yourself, and how those facts apply to you and your emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental well-being.
"...have been brought to the place where I need to protect myself..." is statement enough, don't you think? I don't know what "lots of counselling" means in terms of time and frequency, so it might be a very wise option to contemplate returning to your counselor and process this mess with him/her. Whatever caused you to seek counseling in the first place is likely rooted in family dynamics, as so many issues typically are, and those issues still exist, and the dynamics will always be present. If "family" is toxic, then your counselor will help guide you to making sound and wise decisions for your own health and safety. It is actually possible to interact with toxic individuals without becoming their pawns or source targets. Practicing this is a whole personal aspect within itself - it's demanding, draining, and can be dangerous if we're not continually working on ourselves to progress.
As a strict aside, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and developed extremely unhealthy emotional issues and methods of coping. It took a number of years meeting twice each week with a counselor to begin sorting out my own personal issues that caused me to choose 2 very, very unhealthy marriage partners, as well as a host of "friends" that were also unhealthy for me. Doing "the work" to establish personal boundaries and redefining my systems of beliefs has taken a great deal of time, effort, and more time and effort.
Whatever you choose to do to make and keep yourself "safe" from toxic individuals will be what you probably need to do. Making those choices with the guidance of an objective counseling therapist is really a huge assist - there are no emotions or connections involved with the counselor, and they are able to see the "big picture" much better than we can.
Brightest blessings to you on your journey.
PleaseMakeHerStop
Here's how to make her stop, and how to build a fire under the Georgia legislature to enact a law to prevent what you are going through.
Write a letter to her explaining that in order to clear yourself of the false charges she has made against you that you propose that both of you take a lie detector test to see who is telling the truth. The loser pays for the test, and has to make a public statement, either owning up to the charges she has made, or she admitting that she lied. Copy of this letter will be sent to the the child services, police, legislature along with another letter of explaination to each party expaining how this lie has affected your life. [friends and family treating you differently, being depressed, etc.
The important part is these have to be documented. The way to do that is to send them Certified mail. The recipient has to sign for them, so they can't say they didn't get the letter. Each has it's own Identifying number that you will type at the bottom of each, that will match up to the number on your certified receipt for each. These certified letters have a small fee over and above just postage.
Use your imagination on which way to go from here. If she doesn't respond one way or another in X number days, you will do, bla, bla, bla.
Hard to say how this will move the lawmakers, but she will be on notice, and you will have proof of your attempt to clear yourself.
I am very sorry that you're so sad, right now. There are a number of things to contemplate about this on-again-off-again relationship.
The most important thing to understand and "accept" is the fact that you are not responsible for the happiness, well-being, healing, or progress of another person. You are the only person that you can control, and that's all there is to it. You cannot "fix" whatever her issues might be anymore than you could "fix" the life cycle of the solar system.
Another thing to consider is that it appears that this woman has some toxicity issues. Again, you cannot "fix" those for her, either. Some people are simply toxic. Have you ever spoken to her ex, in person? If you haven't, then you only have her version of what happened and "being negative" is a very, very broad description. That could be as simple as saying that he didn't think that the color blue suited her, or as dire as beating the living shit out of her for putting the toilette paper roll on the roller the wrong way, and everything in between. So..........."negative" can mean a host of things.
It may be a wise option to go totally "No Contact" until you've had a chance to sort yourself out and determine what you are NOT going to tolerate and appreciate your own value, first. It just might be that you will come to realize that you deserve far, far better in a companion and partner than what this woman is able to share with you.
Brightest blessings to you - you'll sort this out in a way that you'll learn, grow, and set boundaries for yourself, and others.
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