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#85642
18 y
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months. For the first 8 months Joe was in a rock band that toured across the U.S. and during those 8 months he did cheat on me considering we only saw eachother every few months. He decided to quit the band so he could be with me. Joe and I currently live together in an apartment. We've strugled on and off because Joe has a problem with lying and being sneaky about girls. He hasn't cheated on me since he quit the band but he is always talking to girls
online and flirting with them. He also has gotten girls numbers and put them under guys names. One time while I was over night at work he tried having a girl come to the apartment. Everything I just said I have found out of my own because Joe has either lied about it or tried to hide it. Finally a few weeks ago I caught him lying because he had gotten a girls number from work and put it under someones elses name.I finally decided to break up with him. We ended up breaking up and getting back together 3 differant times that week. We are currently still together right now. I wouldn't mind him talking to girls if he wasn't so flirtaous with them and didn't lie about it all the time. I'm so in love with Joe that I can't stand being without him. But now I'm strugling because during this entire relationship Joe has been trying to fix something else. Joe does not know how to cuddle or be romantic. I complain about it all the time to him but then he just gets pissed at me because I complain. He promised he'd work on it and yes, it's gotten alittle better but he won't cuddle in bed because he can't sleep cuddling, he won't cuddle while watching tv because we watch tv on the floor. Then the real big problem is when Joe and I have sex. He puts it in and finishes and gets up. He doesn't do any foreplay, doesn't kiss me, and has never said I love you during sex. And after he's done he doesn't cuddle me. He just gets up and does whatever he was doing earlier. We haven't had a passionate kiss since over a year ago. He knows I feel on this subject too but that's one thing he hasn't gotten better at at all. Please people what do I do? I love this man so man and have done so much for him but I don't know what to do. The last break up he promised me never to talk to girls and to be more affectionate. Which he deleted girls numbers from his phone but he still isn't very affectionate. I guess that's something that won't change.During our entire relationship he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me. So the question is do I stay with him and continue feeling like this? Please help me.... I really don't talk to my friends about this because it's so much information. Please HELP!!!!- Re: Should I stay or should I go? HE... wombat
18 y
6,969
R
MoreThis is a reply to # 955,163Why do you stay with him? He cheats, lies, sex is unsatisfying.
GO! I think you know that, though.
"I love this man so man and have done so much for him but I don't know what to do."
~whatever you've "done" for him, it's not working....
Why work so hard for this guys "love"?
Hang by yourself for a while. Learn to love yourself, and realize that there are others out there that will return your love. It really shouldn't be so much work. You really can't ever change another, you can only change yourself... :)- I beg your pardon! I disagree!!!!!!... White Shark
18 y
6,934
This is a reply to # 955,168You should stay with him!
Yes!
You should stay with him!
You love him! Isn't love enough?
Why would you leave him, if you really love him? Hallo?
Something is wrong here!
Why would anyone leave someone, when there is such a strong love?
Do you know how many people in this world live alone without loving anyone?
So what if he cheats? Most people (65%) do one time or another. Remember, you love him, not some other people!
So what if he lies? Most people do (99.99999999999999%) , one time or another. Remember, you love him, not some other man!
So what if he is terrible in bed? Most men are (81%). Remember, you love him, not some other person!
Why don't you just accept that he is a cheater and there will be no problems?
You are the problem!
Why don't you just accept that he is a liar and there will be no problems?
You have problem accepting the reality!
What is your problem?
You want a Superman?
Spiderman?
Batman?
Tom Cruise?
James Bond?
Those guys exist only in your imagination!
Stay with him, and love him, and accept him the way he is, with all of his failures, imperfections, problems, sins.
Nobody's perfect!
Nobody!
Never!
You will never find a perfect guy!
Never!
Something will always be wrong!
At least, with this guy, you know where you are. Liar. Cheater. OK. That is him! You love him!
You think you love him? He think he loves you?
Just accept the life like it is.
The problem is not in him. You are the problem in this relationship!
Your inability to accept him like he is!
If you could change yourself, become more perfect, more tolerable ... there will be no problem!
Why do you care about other women he is with? Why do you care if he is not telling the truth?
You say you love him?
Real love is unconditional love!
Your love is just a joke. Poor shadow!
If you would really love that guy, you would make sure he has got a new girl in bed every other evening. (Every guys dream. It is far more exciting to have sex with someone new, then with someone you already know well. Remember the excitement of first time sex? Well, all men wish that kind of excitement every evening. And, he can't get it with a woman who he has already been with. That means ... to get the same level of excitement, he needs a new woman every evening! Love him! Give him a new woman every evening. That is a real love!)
If you would really love that guy, You would never ever complain to him about anything.
If you would really love that guy, You would never ever question if he is telling the truth!
You would be grateful that he wants to sleep with you at all, (after all those other hot women!)
That is a real love! Yes. If you would really love that guy ... he would be your KING!
Your love is just a shadow of real, unconditional love!
You think you love him?
No!
You hate him! That is the truth!
Only woman that hates a guy would complain to him every day.
Only woman that hates a guy would want him not to enjoy sex with a different woman every evening.
There is nothing better then sex. And, there is nothing better then sex with a different woman every evening! Hallo! DO you realize how much you hate that guy!
DO you realize what you are asking him to sacrify!
You must be .... out of your mind.
Only woman that hates a guy would want him to sleep with her and her only. (Now that is boring! Trust me, I know it. I am with the same woman .. and sex does get boring, if ever I get a chance to have it! )
Only woman that hates a guy would want him to change, and become something that he is not.
You hate him. Try to realize that.
You hate him.
You hate him.
You hate him.
You hate him.
You hate him.
You hate him.
You don't love that guy.
Stay with him and love him. We, guys ... we need that!
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- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... Zoebess
18 y
6,943
R
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In this day and age, the number 1 reason not to
stay in a relationship with someone who is
a cheater and a liar, is sexually transmitted
diseases.
Back in the 60's and 70's, it was a different
kind of world and there was more room to be
understanding and there were all kinds of
"alternative" relationships.
I had an open relationship for awhile and the
understanding was, what was good for the goose
was good for the gander and since I took for
myself, the freedom my mate claimed, he did
not like the idea of worrying about another man
wooing me away. So, we renegotiated into a
monogamous relationship...
When he began cheating again after many many
years, it was not the cheating that bothered me.
I should have expected it when a college buddy
and he began spending a lot of time together.
What really bothered me was that he was not up
front about it and did not use condoms and so
he was putting me at risk and that was not
acceptable and it felt like a big betrayal.
That he worked so hard to cover his tracks also
made me feel like I did not want to be in a
relationship if I could not trust him.
There are good men out in the world who also
would like the safety of a monogamous relationship
relative to STDs and do not play games and who
are also seeking meaningful relationships.
While someone like you, and you are not alone
in your philosophy, may enjoy or tolerate this level
of anxiety and dissatisfaction in a relationship,
many more thrive in a relationship which is
supportive and more balanced.
She can still love him, and leave him. Loving
one's self enough to want to be happy is more
important, imho, than loving someone who is
really not available and who is not going to
reciprocate in a way which this poster seems to
want and need.
blessings,
Zoe
-_- -
Liar AHarleyGyrl
18 y
6,897
MoreThis is a reply to # 955,589"At least, with this guy, you know where you are. Liar. Cheater. OK. That is him! You love him!"
That was my last abuser's first words to me when I got angry about his cheating...
"So what, you know me as a liar, so what?!"I have never forgotten those words.
- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... wombat
18 y
6,358
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This is a reply to # 955,589I like that post. I think, though, that this "love" is not love at all. It's something else. It's need to BE loved.
- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... #1211 18 y 6,352
- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... adelino
18 y
6,485
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Clarkia Extra Strong
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Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 955,589Advertisement
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What a load of crap!
Do yourself a favor and dump joe. Love yourself and take your time and a man will find you that will be your perfect companion...perfect for your needs that is!
You may care deeply about Joe - but he won't change for you...save yourself years of unhappiness and unfulfillment. Love yourself, then you can find the true meaning of love. - Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... #27613
18 y
6,329
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
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This is a reply to # 955,589wow white shark. is your response a joke? i dont know how to respond to that. forgive me but thats ridiculous! - Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... molly bloom
18 y
6,577
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Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
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Yes, absolutely, lowered expectations are what it's all about! I'm rethinking this now because of your post. Damn, you are right...I SHOULD have stayed with my ex. What a fool I was, and you right, every time he hit me I should have said "Thank you Sir, May I have another?"
It's so clear now. Forget a good sex life...you are right, they DO ALL suck in bed. And it wouldn't have mattered because by now I'd weight about 450 pounds, and would be incredibly thankful that he even came home at night.
I should have offered to have a three-way with all his mistresses....Duh. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Maybe I should have gone out and found him all his lovers to give the poor guy a break. Damn, why didn't I think of that. Maybe I could have kept him!!
Why didn't I know you sooner White Shark...oh, there was no internet back then. Well shoot, I guess opportunities lost. Perhaps his next wife was much more manageable than me, I sure hope so. Gee, I hope she's still alive too.
Thank you White Shark, thanks for showing us the way.
But really my dear, this was a pretty serious subject, do you really think that was appropriate?
Molly- You see! You got the point! White Shark
18 y
6,610
This is a reply to # 955,766Real love is unconditional!
What you girls are talking about here, in this forum, is "evil" masked as love.
Long live unconditional love!
You just have to accept people like they are. They can be a good food!
We sharks, we love people unconditionally!
We do not care if they cheat, lie, don't cuddle, are bad in bad.
Once you satisfy your hunger ... you realize how much you really love humans!
White Shark- You are saying... AHarleyGyrl
18 y
6,712
R
This is a reply to # 955,825
If we do not accept people exactly as they are, we are putting conditions on our "love", and then it is not "real" love. We don't love them. And, it isn't fair to them to keep saying we do, nor is it being honest with ourselves.
Thus, we need to find someone we love who needs no changing (no conditions), then our love is unconditional and is real.
There is no way mskrissi87 "loves" Joe, because she has all these conditions he must meet and he is not willing to meet them. Words are words, actions speak louder.
Making the advice seeker responsible for these conditions they are placing seems to blame the victim, but it actually empowers them. It's ok to own up and say, "It's me, it's not them", because then you can change your circumstances, rather than continuing to blame the other person, which gets you nowhere.
So much of the advice given about relationships is the, "It's not you, it's them." So, then, they keep asking how to change that person. They say they "love" them, but it is actually self-love. They push their needs on them (conditions).
That explains a lot of why the advice I was getting from friends and family didn't help. Yes, you are told you can't change them, but I now realize I needed someone to say, "Hey, why are you trying to impose all your conditions on that person? "That isn't love!" If you love them, you're going to accept them as they are and be happy about it and not be seeking advice on how to fix them. A little psychology/reality might have been what I needed to snap me out of it.
On the flipside, if you sell your soul to change for them, you are still being dishonest to them and to yourself. You can slip into the abuse syndrome and that is very hard to break free from. You keep trying to perfect yourself so they will love you and treat you better. But they only treat you well for brief periods and still you feel so bad about yourself, it's hard to really enjoy those times. It could also be viewed as selfish, because there is some payoff for you or you would not do it. I know first hand that abusers can damage self esteem to the point that you have little left, but there comes a point when you have to take action or die, whether physically or emotionally.
Bottom line:
When you perceive something to be outside of you, you have no power over it. When you take responsibility for your behavior and actions, you can change your cirmcumstances.
I recomend the book: Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever
I recommend the movie: The Burning Bed
I recommend the writing: A Tunnel Without Cheese
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- Re: You see! You got the point! Zoebess
18 y
6,475
This is a reply to # 955,825Advertisement
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Is this why parents microwave their children??
and why when swimmers see sharks, they get OUT
of the water??
I was unconditional in my marriage until my mate's
behavior impacted mine in such a way as to be detrimental
to my health. Then it was not so much about a condition
as much as a personal boundary. I could/would not force him
to wear condoms when he was having extramarital sex, but
I could personally walk away from the liability and not
expose myself to danger.
I suppose there are reasons people will stay in a burning
house, but me, I would rather be safe than sorry and
get out.
be happy, be well,
Zoe
-_-
- You are saying... AHarleyGyrl
18 y
6,712
R
- You see! You got the point! White Shark
18 y
6,610
- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... #73079
18 y
6,269
This is a reply to # 955,589I personally feel that "unconditional love" is the biggest bunch of s*** I have ever tried to digest. My ex used to fling that one at me. Frankly, I am conditional. If you treat me like s***, I probably won't love you.
I am curious as to your personal success in relationship, and I suspect you are enjoying the "shark role" of sneaking up on unsuspecting swimmers and exploding out of the water, shocking and eating everyone in site. Your advice is dangerous and unhealthy.
The ONLY good I see in this is the idea of accepting who he is. If she cannot, then she should move on. She should NOT stay and provide him with a different bed partner every night blahblahblah. Dogs sniff each others butts and climb on indiscriminately, man was charged with learning to overcome his instincts and to rise above as a spiritual being. It's far easier to use that old "men have to have variety" line, than to learn to love and commit at a depth deeper than the base instinct to nail what walks by. Caveman crap.
I had one of you, and "shark" is an aptly applied term. -
Re: I beg your pardon! AHarleyGyrl
18 y
6,283
- OMG, you are insane, White Shark!!! ... b2reflect
18 y
6,298
- Re: OMG, you are insane, White Shark... been there done that
18 y
6,057
This is a reply to # 961,743Advertisement
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Don't worry about White Shark, b2reflect, he's an abuser that came on to this forum to encourage women to accept abuse (they figure they have some kind of LOGIC). You have to learn to recognize the posters that do this and know to ignore them. They shamelessly show themselves for what they really are.
The trouble in exposing them is that now he will get mad at what I wrote and that will cause trouble and it will cause an uproar and they will move my post to a "garbage" forum (so I guess the policy is to tolerate them). If anybody disagrees, they can also stand up against White Shark).
- Re: OMG, you are insane, White Shark... been there done that
18 y
6,057
- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... giagirl
18 y
6,133
This is a reply to # 955,589well this is a strange post and maybe one may want to reflect upon their thoughts.
If you love someone one cannot change the behavior of anyone else but themselves.
You are right someone may find life difficult if they constantly are complaining about others.
This person has to look at themselves and find happiness for their self and no one ever can bring you happiness that is your job.
Try being on the other side of this senerio, if a person hurt you all the time with no regards to how it affected you would you stay???
Please have a heart and know that life is full of love and laughter.
MORE TO ALL AND LESS TO NONE!!!!!!!!! - Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... #42412
18 y
6,515
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Well, I may be the only one here who thinks WhiteShark is right. By being a complete idiot he has proven a pretty good point. You hate the guy. How can you love someone who treats you that way? We're raised with this fairy-tale idea of love and that "love conquers all" and that may be true, if it's mutual. This man doesn't love you and the way he treats you is draining your love for him too or you wouldn't be posting here. There is no question because you've answered all your own questions. He won't stop what he's doing, he'll just get better at hiding it fromm you. The truth is you can fall in and out of love so many times in your life that wasting time with someone who doesn't love you back is just that, a waste of time. I think that the love you describe is co-dependence, and don't take that harshly because all relationships are codependent in some way, we need to depend on someone - but don't depend on someone for the wrong reasons. You are in an abusive relationship and at this point maybe you can't see the forest for the trees. Leave him, stand on your own and learn your own self-worth. A woman's self-worth is the sexiest thing about her. When you know what you deserve and won't settle for less, you will find someone who will give it to you and love you for it. I have spent many years in and out of similar relationships and it's taken me a long time to realize that you are the one that allows people to treat you that way. Only you can control how other people treat you by what you will and won't accept from someone else - take it from a fellow "doormat" - it feels good to demand better.Advertisement
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- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... #56617
18 y
6,384
- Re: I beg your pardon! I disagree!!... Zoebess
18 y
6,943
R
- I beg your pardon! I disagree!!!!!!... White Shark
18 y
6,934
- Expand 20 messages, 21 to 40 of 66 been there done that
18 y
6,503
Expand 26 messages, 41 to 66 of 66 wombat
18 y
6,280
- Re: Should I stay or should I go? HE... wombat
18 y
6,969
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