Well, I'm not a parent but I am a teen, a little older than your son.

I'd get your son to write a heartfelt letter to his best friend, and give it to him in an envelope containing the money he stole. In the letter he can apologize, ask forgiveness (profusely) and explain himself. He can also state in the letter that he obviously has unresolved issues that lead him to act in such an unacceptable manner and is seeking help. He can also state that he hopes, with time, his friend will forgive him and he can earn back the trust they previously had in their relationship.

As I stated above, it would be wise to get your son some help, perhaps counseling. Something made him act that way, something is making his grades slip, something is leading him down the path of trying drugs. If your son don't want to go, tell him to go as a sign of his wanting to rekindle his former friendship, and because it is necessary to help him get back on the right path in life.

I'd also say, I don't know what your family situation is like, but maybe just start spending some more quality family time with your son. Have one night a week where you play a board game. Go on a hike or bike riding on the weekend. Sit down with your son and help him with his homework in the subjects he struggles with. He needs some guidance and support, and that is his mother and father's job.

Also, does he have any extra-curriculars? Does he play any sports? Have any hobbies? Maybe getting him out and among a new crowd to distract him will be a good influence on him.

The fact that he is communicating with you at all is such a good thing. Go with it.
Smoking pot is a normal thing to try. Some would disgaree. I smoked pot for about 6 years. I got sick of it about a year ago. I did a lot worse things than that when I was younger, although I had a lot of problems {it would take ages to get into my life story}. Basically I feel your son is normal. And a lot of kids dont talk to your parents so the fact he can open up to you is a VERY good thing.

I know how you feel about your husband. My boyfriend doesnt have those problems but he does have a very different view of drug experimentation and how to raise kids than me. He is of the "no drugs, no way, not even once, EVER is forgivable, your DEAD if I find out you ever touched them" camp. I am of the "I experimented, I know you may want to two one day so let me give you the HONEST facts{not scare tactics and lies} because I KNOW, and I want you to know you can always talk to me" camp. The two dont really line up. I know overall I would have to back my boyfriend up, because I can understand his viewpoint and he has good intentions. I just feel its pretty unrealistic to expect most young people to never want to experiment with pot.

My life would have probably been "better" off on a surface level had I never tried drugs, there are many things I could have done with the time I used up. BUT those times helped shape the person I am today. So would I really be the person I am without those times? And would it have been better? Hard to say.

I think you are being a good parent. I would advise your son to talk to his friend and do anything he has to to make things better. Help him understand that he may have lost that friendship and that might have to be something he needs to live with because of his actions. Has he talked to you about what led him to do it in the first place? Getting to the bottom of the things that are bothering him may help things in all areas.

I wish good luck to you both and am sending positive energy your way.
God bless. <3

Hi cm --

I don't have teenagers but I certainly was one! That is such a hard time because you make childish mistakes but have adult emotions (and often consequences) around them.

My opinion here is that he is admirable for wanting to set things straight and make amends to his friend. The fact is, everyone makes mistakes as part of being human, and we are not really judged as much for the mistakes as we are for what we do about or after them. And paying back the money, along with a sincere apology for violating the trust in a friendship, should go a long way toward making your son feel better.

Whether the other kid has the ability to look at his own behaviour and realize that he has probably stolen a thing or two in his life, and can therefore understand and forgive your son, is just out of your hands. But it will be a lesson for your son at least -- later in his life he may be able to look at this incident from the other position and offer forgiveness to someone else.

The other issues you all face are how to regard the stealing and the pot-smoking. I know when I stole as a child and into young adulthood it was certainly not out of material need -- I was well provided for by my family. It was much more connected to a sense of being "less-than" others around me -- that they had more, or somehow *were* more (happier, smarter, better, etc.) than I felt. When I stole money from my parents to buy things I wanted in excess of what I was given, or when I stole those things directly from merchants, it wasn't because I needed a new pair of pants -- it was because other friends had those things and I felt, again, left out and as if what I had was not enough, good enough, etc. Let me stress again that I was very well provided for -- this stuff was a real fiction in my head -- that I could be more a "part of" my group of friends by acquiring the outside trappings and looking like them (when I pretty much already did!). I just wanted out of my skin, basically.

It was largely the same way with my early drinking and pot-smoking (the same age or earlier as your son -- 15-16). Doing those things made me feel part of the group, and it was certainly not peer pressure -- i.e. my friends never said to me, "We'll ostracize you and call you a loser if you don't take the bong hit/drink the beer." It was the more powerful internal pressure of that less-than, never feeling enough inclusion, etc. that kept me doing that stuff. On the outside you never would have thought I was so insecure on the inside, but I really was. There was such a disconnect between the way I felt and the way I seemed from the outside.

My husband truly did lead a life of want and need in the sense that he had many brothers and sisters and little money to go around -- i.e. he remembers going to school hungry, having no sufficient coat to wear in the winter, etc. He found a couple of fringe kids in high school and they smoked pot -- sort of the same thing -- "We are kind of different so we'll be really different... ." But again, the same feeling prevailed for him -- not having enough, not being part of, not being good enough somehow. Other kids actually teasing him for having cheap clothes, etc. So a slightly different situation than mine, but still one where he had the same feelings I did.

He would, at 18, break into and rob a neighbor's house while on drugs -- by that time the pot had led to much harder stuff -- and get caught. He faced felony charges that, while he received a misdemeanor in the end, still remain on his record -- I think kids, especially kids on drugs, have that sense that they won't get caught and just don't think about consequences, but they can really creep up on you, or jump out at you when you're out of it on PCP in the form of police officers handcuffing you. He would spend a month in jail during Christmas break his first year in college, by the way. That did not stop him, either. When he went to college he began growing and selling pot and got really into LSD and that whole crowd.

What became the solution for both of us many years later was drinking that led us to the point of desperation to get into recovery and learn about those feelings of less-than, not-good-enough, etc. as symptoms of a spiritual malady. In other words, no money, possessions, drugs, alcohol, academic or professional success, cleansing and healing -- anything, really -- can fill up, and that those things will never be enough to make us feel OK and to stop those feelings. My parents spent a lot of money on child psychiatrists and therapists, etc. -- none of whom was ever going to tell me to get out of my own head and help me see that the cure to feelings of low self-esteem, for instance, is to perform estimable acts! Or that the solution to feelings of restlessness, irritability, and discontent (what we say are the "symptoms" of a spiritual malady, but which also look an awful lot like the nature of an adolescent) was not to examine my feelings and see where they came from, but to learn how to make real connections to others through service. Or that feelings of worthlessness or a sense of confusion and lack of purpose did not mean that the world around me was wrong, but that I needed to learn how to better fit into it. Doctors and therapists will not tell you that stuff because it's not the way they are trained to look at things. Parents are often so frustrated by their kids' behavior (as mine and my husband's were) that they feel helpless and desperate, and get angry as a result, which sets up that parent vs. teenager dynamic which can ruin a parent's chance to be helpful, even though their intentions and hopes are motivated by love.

The thing I really liked doing and where I felt OK about what I was doing in high school was participating in the volunteer program our school did. In retrospect, I would realize that such an experience got me out of my head, made me feel of service to others, and therefore gave me a sense of purpose and worthiness and self-esteem (because I was taking estimable action). That's still my solution these days -- when I feel like crap, less-than, overwhelmed by my situation, kids, etc. -- plugging in to some sort of service always gets me out of the dangerous neighborhood that is my head, and connected to the world around me rather than feeling isolated from it.

My strong recommendation is that you all look for an Al-a-Teen or young peoples' recovery group, or a Families Anonymous, in your area and ask your son to go. I'm involved with a group here in Richmond that a lot of young people attend and from their stories and my own experience I can tell you that the kids who get into recovery early get really happy really quick. Others have to go get knocked around a little bit and make it in later. There are certainly more who never get into recovery at all and who are out there feeding whatever it is that makes them feel OK -- i.e. the new car, the bigger house, the drug addiction, the next husband or wife, the better job.

Too often the parents will wonder over and over again what they did or didn't do properly, when, if the child has those feelings that "something" (this money, that pot, etc.) will make them "OK," it's not as much about the parents (although the mother-in-law sounds sort of ill, and it sounds like your husband was strongly affected by that) as it is about the child's need for real tools that will make him or her OK no matter what.

THe way I see it now is that your boy has this innate ability to come to you for guidance and help, and that he wants to do the right thing, and that maybe he would be open to considering a different way of life than he is leading or has begun to lead now. But that he does not feel good in general, and that maybe he would be open to learning from the experience, strength and hope from his peers or others. He sounds like a fundamentally good kid who is probably pretty perplexed himself as to why he is doing this stuff, and my experience is that recovery really teaches you how to feel OK and tap in to that goodness that I believe really does exist in all kids! I just began going to Al-Anon, which I recommend to you.

Hope this is helpful, and appreciate what others have written too --

Laura

I know that this is going to sound really strange but you are very fortunate to have found out when you did. Our daughter went through something similar and we were clueless at the time. We only found out later when she was in college just what was going on.

First of all, it's good that your son came to you and told you what was going with the theft and the pot. That said, I agree with the others about the stealing. Most kids do it at some point. I remember being 7 years old and stealing change from my parents to buy candy. Eventually I was caught and that was the end of that. Once I took change from a family friend's piggy bank at the same age. I never told anyone and felt so guilty that the next time we visited, I took some money that was given to me as a gift and replaced it in the piggy bank. However, most kids as they do get older develop a sense of right and wrong and thus feel guilty when they do wrong. It sounds like your son realizes what he did and feels remorse. I'm with the other posters who say that he should repay his friend and write a note of apology.

Please don't take this next question the wrong way (after I ask, I'll explain why I did)--didn't you ever notice your son coming home and reeking of pot and having the red eyes that were half-closed? You see, we found out well after the fact that our daughter was sneaking cigarettes. The problem was that she had friends whose parents smoked so when she came home smelling of it, we didn't think that she had been smoking. However, I would check discreetly for signs that she had smoked pot and didn't see that.

I want you to know that you're not alone. It sounds like your son has a good, stable two-parent home and you are to be commended for that. However, I do know that teenagers can be good at sneaking around and hiding things. It's a tough balancing act for parents. You want to be vigilant yet you want to trust them, too. In our daughters' case, we found out that she tried smoking when she was 12. She had a friend who was stealing them from her mother. Apparently, when she spent the night at her friend's house, they were smoking right under the mother's nose. I even met the mother and thought after talking with her that she was a good, vigilant parent. When our daughter smoked once in our house--knowing that we didn't allow anyone to do this, she was in real trouble with us. She had candles in her room--we made her throw them out. Her father let her have a lighter for the candles, that was gone, too. I did something I never did before--I did a cursory search through her room and told her that if she ever gave us any reason to think that she was up to no good, we wouldn't hesitate to do that again. In addition, she had to air out the house and spray with Febreze. Eventually, she told us that she wanted us to trust her again and that she wouldn't do this again--ever. We had a big talk about trust. We told her that we were always honest with her when she asked questions and expected the same from her. I'd like to say that everything was fine after that but it wasn't. We later found out that she had been cutting herself (she told a teacher who told a guidance counselor who then told us). When we heard that, we called our health plan and it took a month but we arranged for counseling--25 miles from home. It turned out to be worthless--she went twice and the counselor told us she was fine--just bored!

Despite our experience with counseling, I would strongly suggest that you first discuss this with your son's pediatrician and ask for a counselor referral. You then need to find out if your son is smoking pot on a daily basis, once a week, every so often or just a few times in the last 6 months. If it is every day, this is something that needs to be relayed to the counselor.

I wish we knew the extent of our daughters' problems and sneakiness. If we had, we never would have let her go to college half-way across the country. While there, she got into hard drugs and eventually flunked out. When we found out about all of this we confronted her and she never showed remorse. I found out where she could get help on a sliding fee scale and urged her to go but she didn't. She now has 2 kids and is in a shaky relationship with their father. We love her unconditionally but sad to say, we don't trust her. So, please--start getting your son help now! As I said, you are very fortunate to have found out when you did.

To those who said, spend quality time with your son, I agree. We certainly spent lots of quality time with our daughter and gave her lots of love and support. I grew up being verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abused so I was very careful to not continue the cycle when it came to our daughter.

To those who said, make sure he is involved in extracurricular activities, I agree. Our daughter was involved in more than one extracurricular activity. We took her on family outings every weekend, even if it was just window-shopping at the Mall. We took her and her friends to museums.

As for his bad grades, another thing you could try if your budget allows, send him to a place like Huntington Learning Center for a specialized tutoring program. They are very good about giving you information about your child's progress. We sent our daughter one summer instead of taking a family vacation.

Again, do get your son some help. If necessary, keep him on a short leash until he has proved that he is once again trustworthy. I know my story is not the best example of this. Our daughter had one face for us and her teachers (who, by the way, praised her behavior--one even gave her an award for her integrity) but underneath all that, there was a dark side.

All you can do is your very best. In the end, your son has to decide how he is going to live his life. Raising a child is a real crapshoot. We've all heard the stories about the kids who have the worst parents around but yet grow up to be real successes. Then there are the kids who have all the love, support and guidance but go horribly wrong. I wish you and your family all the best.

the boy needs a father. he needs to act like a man and admit his wrongdoing and make ammends the best he can. this means apologizing face to face, paying the money back, and asking for forgiveness(this is a favor for his friend and is for his benefit, not your sons).

a good way to pay retribution for the act would be for him to labor and earn money and present a sum to his friend as a ransom for his friendship. that way, whether or not the friendship is repaired, the other boys loss of a friend is compensated somewhat.

none of these things amount to much, but they put the focus on the wrongdoing and the damage done by it and puts the responsibility for making it right on the boy who did the deed. it is not a measure of his character that he stole. the measure of his character is what he does afterwards.

as an aside(and not to justify anyone), i have a son who leaves money and expensive things laying around all the time, which i council him not to do. it is no more right to tempt someone to steal than it is to steal. thats what locks are for. they keep honest people honest while they decide to be that way themselves. people that are compelled to test another in word or deed are lacking something in their own character. this includes being quick to negatively judge another on circumstance.

edit - after reading the other responses you got, i have to add a couple of things.

admitting what he did face to face is very important. the other boys parents should be present as well. this is the most useful and courageous thing your son can do. it will also go a long way in righting both him and the others involved. he can write it down if he needs to, but he needs to read it to them in person. there is no other way to set himself straight. it is entirely for his benefit to do it in person.

secondly, he has no excuse and should give none. that is the problem with our society - it is full of bad behaviour fueled by endless excuses. a real man can say he was wrong and learn from it and go on. its not the end of the world, its the beginning of an honest man.

better to square this up now than to wait until he has to do it in a court of law. there, the punishment rarely fits the crime, especially if one is truthful and actually did it. to call it a corrections system is a joke. it is a scapegoat system for society to take its frustrations out on criminals. few people deserve what the criminal (in)justice system dishes out. your son is fortunate indeed.

"He admitted this to me. He wants to make amends to his friend"

When did he admit this to you before or after he was caught?

"It all seems so overwhelming to me. I know my son is full of intense pain, he is ashamed and embarrassed. He basically lost his best friend. He was totally stupid and knows it."

It seems his pain is connected with his being caught hence the shame and embarrassment do you feel this?

"I guess I need some guidance. I could throw the book at him. I'm worried about why he did this....I mean, his best friend?"

It does not matter that it was his best friend would it be any better if it was an enemy or a stranger?

"Recently he admitted to me that he smokes pot (the only drug he's doing) for the last six months. His grades are crap."

Was this also due to his shame and embarassment at this incident? As a 16 year old my strategy was only to offer up what will cause more pity or support/lenience for my ego's sake. The "I've tried mj several times could garner some understanding and false compassion.

Stand back at look at your son. Why is he at this point and is he taking full responsibilty for his lack of ethical behavior? most people 9if not a sociopath) are very sorry when caught, they are sorry that they WERE caught. If they truky felt it was wrong they would not do it.

For transgressions like these it is best to admit that your son has some discrepancies with moral and ethical behavior not just on the level of action but also in thought. Perhaps to dialogue with him and allow him to naturally reveal his stance on various ethical or moral dilemmas and point out where yours and his differ. Also find out what he is willing to do inside to change. If he truly seeks change it will be apparent and he should be supported and encouraged. At the least find out where he is and accept it either way, he will have to change himelf, if not so be it.

Aye