Abuse is behavior that is deliberately intended to cause emotional or physical damage:

* physical abuse - punching, slapping, pinching, shoving, using objects to inflict physical damage. i.e. Abuser pinches the victim in front of the children and the victim screams in pain while the abuser laughs aloud and says, "You've got to be kidding me! That couldn't have hurt you!" or, punching the victim in the upper arms or legs so that bruises won't show, or, slapping the victim in the back of the head, etc.
* verbal abuse - used with as much success as fists in causing the victim to feel degraded, humiliated, worthless, hopeless, helpless, and (often) as if they (the victim) are completely insane. i.e. "You're the one that needs therapy, right kids? SHE'S THE ONE taking antidepressants!" or, "How can you sit on your ass all day and tell me you're tired from watching kids?"
* religious abuse - any derrogatory remarks about one's religious practices, refusing to allow the victim to practice religious beliefs, bartering the victim's right to attend religious functions, forcing the victim to adopt the abuser's "religious beliefs," using religious doctrines as a tool of affirmation for the treatment of the victim. i.e. "YOUR religion says that a woman must obey him," or, "YOUR religion says that I have husbandly rights to your body," or, "You can go to church after you've given me sexual favors."
* sexual abuse - any use of sexual innuendo, demands, or acts that are deliberately intended to cause humiliation, degradation, shame, pain, and fear. Discussing the sexual activities of friends and/or acquaintances as a form of entertainment. Forcing a victim to engage in a sexual act that is distasteful to them. Forcing the victim to participate in risky sexual behavior. Forcing the victim to trade sexual favors in exchange for having family or personal needs met. Rape. Forcing the victim to watch or engage in pornographic videos or images. i.e. "Do you know what Frank's wife lets him do to her?" or, "Where's my birthday blowjob?" or, "I'm not letting you get groceries until you bend over and take it."
* financial abuse - refusing to allow victim access to joint finances, keeping victim isolated from financial information, spending victim's income without discussion or permission, creating unreasonable debt, creating loan/credit accounts using victim's personal information, refusing to pay bills in order to generate fear in the victim, forcing the victim to contact institutions that the abuser owes money to, forcing the victim to lie about why bills aren't paid. i.e. "You are not buying groceries without me coming along - you're not authorized to use this checkbook," or, "You don't need to know what's in the account! It's MY money since I earned it!" or, "I opened an account at Macy's in your name so I could get Junior a stereo for his birthday."
* emotional abuse - tearing down the victim's level of self-esteem by isolating the victim from family and friends, keeping the victim unsure of their own mental health, constant reference to victim's physical and/or mental health issues, blaming the victim for incurring medical bills, demanding that the victim apologize when it's inappropriate, goading/provoking the victim into striking back verbally or physically (makes their case for the victim being a nutbag), forcing the children to agree with the abuser when he/she is harassing the victim, using the health and well-being of children against the victim. i.e. "I am only ONE man working and you refuse to work. You can't work, anyway, because day care is too expensive," or, "Your friend, Libby, is trouble and I don't want you hanging around with her," or, "Your own MOTHER thinks you're nuts," or, "Your medical bills are KILLING us," or, "Just what this family needs is you to be sick another day."

Abuse is not disagreement or argument. Human beings are allowed and expected to disagree and engage in healthy argument - healthy means NOT INTENTIONALLY CAUSING DAMAGE. Healthy also means that one will apologize if their words cause damage for another person.

Abuse IS when one person (friend, lover, spouse, parent, minister, supervisor, doctor, and so on) intentionally says or does something to exert control, dominance, fear, and shame over another person.
Helpful links:

http://www.surviving-abuse.com


http://www.ndvh.org


http://www.doe.org


http://www.ncadv.org


http://www.safe4all.org


http://www.911family.com


http://www.ptypes.com/narcissisticpd


http://www.healthline.com/domesticviolence


http://www.stoptheviolence.org


http://www.heartlessbitches.com

Every State offers a toll-free hotline for victims of domestic violence and abuse. If you are afraid for your life, CALL and get HELP for you and for your children. Leaving the abuser is the most dangerous time, of all - he/she doesn't want to lose their property and will do anything (even kill) to keep it. Do not tell anyone about your intentions to leave, do not make it known that you are leaving, do not discuss leaving with your children (they will be forced to reveal any/all secrets), and do not threaten to leave EVEN if you mean to follow through with your threat.

Before leaving, pack only those documents that are vital: birth certificates, social security info, financial statements, etc. Take clothing, kids' clothing, 2 toys for each child, cash (NO CREDIT CARDS OR CHECKS), make arrangements for pets (call SPCA or Animal Control the day of your departure), and never, ever, EVER leave when the abuser is home. Leave behind anything that cannot be packed in 2 suitcases - heirlooms are replaceable, your life (and those of your children) are not. Contact your County's Women's/Men's Shelter and let them know you're coming. Contact Social Services for additional resources; legal, financial, mental health, etc.

God bless one and all - in some small way, each one of us can work to end the cycle of abuse.