You know, it's strange that you wrote this post because I was talking to my grand daughter yesterday about an experience I had years ago while teaching elementary school.

During lunchroom duty, one of my students, a second grader, was eating by himself and I walked over and sat by him. As I sat down, I hugged him. (Back then, you were allowed to touch the student.) As I put my arms around him, he flinched and told me his back hurt. I said little about it, but later on in the afternoon, I talked to him about his back. On his own, he raised his shirt and I have never seen anything like the marks on this child left by a belt. You could see where the buckle of the belt had broken his skin and there were these huge welps all over his back. I asked him who did that to him and he told me his Daddy did it. He said sometimes his Daddy would come home and just "be mad" and start hitting him as hard as he could. He said if his Mommy tried to stop him, he would beat her, too.

It's been 35 years ago and, to this day, I still dream about this little boy. Back then, there was nothing that anyone could do.....no one to report it or laws to protect this child. Sure, I went to the administrative board about it, but nothing ever happened.

I will say this.....One thing I have learned over the years is there is such a fine line between disciplining a child and child abuse. Because I raised two children, I know how hard it is to not cross that fine line. There is not one parent who has been so pushed to the limit that they have to pull themselves away from the situation and calm down. But, one question that has always bothered me is.....Why are some people able to stop themselves and others can't and cross that line?

Yesterday my grand daughter and I were running errands and she was playing with the stations on the radio and this country station began playing a song about an abused little child who would lie to her classmates about her bruises and then one day she didn't come to school and the song goes on to say that she doesn't have to lie anymore about her bruises because she wasn't going to be coming back to school.....Now she would be "lying with Jesus." That song says a powerful message about child abuse.

I am so sorry your childhood was impacted by an abusive parent. I wish I could take it away.

Paulette

I think some times families like to be in denial, especially when it comes to abuse. I cracked when I was 15 and ran a way from home. I didn’t talk to my dad, step mom, or my little brothers and sister for 8 years after that. I was 23 when we finally saw each other again. They were surprised that I had made a good life for myself. I know they truly believed that I was messed up/ mentally imbalanced and that’s why I ran away, but the truth is, I left because I suddenly saw how sad the path of my life would be if I were to become what they thought I was- if I kept on letting them tell me who I was.

It has been 5 years since I have been back in contact with my family, my parents have never asked me why I left, and they have never acknowledged the abuse I suffered by my dad, but they have changed -they are better parents to my younger brothers and sister.

It is kind of lonely to have a back ground of abuse. Even my closest friends seem to marginalize it. Maybe they don’t know what to say- maybe they don’t believe me. I use to wish that he had left permanent scars on my body so everyone could see- so that I had proof of what had happened to me. I don’t feel that way so much any more. Being an abused runaway is not a big part of my identity now, but sometimes I still cry when I think about.

I’m guessing you and I are close in age. I’m glad you shared your story.

I believe in happy endings- lots o love-Kat

Hang in there, Boem. Know that you aren't the first person who was abused as a child, nor (sadly) will you be the last.

I am just as guilty of abusing my children as was my abusive ex-husband (their father). Sh*t rolls downhill and my abuse by their father was played out upon them at the behest of that man. Sometimes, he would demand that I discipline the children because of some ridiculous infraction of His Rules. If I did not comply, HE would beat them more severely than I could. The physical abuse ocurred far less than the emotional abuse, I must say, and it was complete and thorough. By the time I had determined that I needed to leave, I was on prescribed anti-depressants, my eldest son was running afoul of the Law and on prescribed medications, and my youngest son was turning inward upon himself.

It took 2 years for me to develop a plan of action and put it into motion. When I got out, I determined to take ownership of what I had allowed to be inflicted upon myself and my children, and to take responsibility for the damage that I was responsible for - I apologized to both of my children without making an excuse for my choices and demonstrated to them what a life of light, hope, joy, safety, and honesty could produce.

What helps us to move on is finding, somewhere, the desire and ability to forgive those who have so savagely harmed us. It isn't easy to forgive an adult for inflicting such damage, but it frees us up from maintaining that hatred, animosity, and angst. Hatred, etc., requires an enormous amount of energy to be maintained and that energy is exclusively negative. To forgive allows us to take the next step of walking away from the abuse and negativity. I am only responsible for my own choices, even as far as my adult children go - I have given them the examples of responsibility, honesty, hope, etc., and it is up to them whether they will choose a healthy path or one of personal destruction.

I also became involved in counseling/therapy with a specialist in domestic violence and abuse. It was during this time that I forgave myself for having allowed so much to happen to my Self and my children. That, after almost 20 years of self-imposed torture (choosing to stay and inflicting damage, myself), was the leap over the abyss for me. At that time, I began to let go of all of those "comfortable" feelings of guilt, shame, rage, etc. Those feelings were comfortable to me because they were familiar. Letting go and freeing myself was unfamiliar and risky, and I was almost fearful of healing.

You are not alone and you are not lost - you're just stalled for the moment. There is a place for you, your experiences, and your wisdom earned by your experiences that will help others to evolve from victim to Survivor. I would take the opportunity to express my anger to my parent(s) for what was inflicted upon me and forgive them for what they did, to their faces. It is up to them, at that point, to either acknowledge what they perpetrated, or not. At that point, I've done my bit and moved on without hatred, rage, or vengence in mind.

I have been there and done that. I would like to recommend that everyone on this post experience EFT. It really does work...more than anything else it sets you free.
I guess that is why it is called Emotional Freedom Techniques. It gets you past all the...past.


http://www.emofree.com/
You can download a free manual from this site.

May God Bless