If your husband were in your shoes, what would you want him to do?

Try that.

Hi,

Guess what......The passion that you felt when you first met your husband ALWAYS fades. That is why you NEVER marry someone expecting that initial passion to last forever. What lasts forever is the foundation that both of you placed on that relationship in the beginning. A good and solid relationship is built on trust. Being friends with each other is the glue that holds you two together, too. Laughter is way up there, too. Laughing together is not only healthy, but it's fun.

Over the years, I have had friends who miss that initial passion and look for it elsewhere. They think they find it and leave their spouse and are soooo happy for awhile. The the passion fades and they say, "Oh, no, it has happened again" and they look for it again....and again....and again.

Marriage is something you choose. You have chosen to be with this man, so unless he is abusing you, I would say to you to look at his positive sides and focus on them. Don't have an affair. Think how you would feel if he was even thinking of having an affair.

I don't know if you live in the US or somewhere else, but I will speak for my own country in saying America is so pre-occupied with sex. It's everywhere you turn around and it has caused our young people to think sex and love walk hand in hand and it is not true.

Paulette

I observed that this happens mostly because husband (in your case) has managed to poison the relationship somehow. These things that poison the relationship are under the radar, and therefore go unnoticed. Sort of like cyanide which someone puts in food in tiny amounts over time - it will kill, but no one will know. Same here.

Or sometimes, WE are the ones who were trained and brought up with these poisonous patterns of behaviour. But most often it is both parties.

If you could learn to observe those little putdowns that are directed at you, or that you direct at him, or to hear those little nuances in the tone of his voice, and then to connect that to your emotional state, you'd be well on your way towards happines. Some of it is explained in books by Eric Berne ("What do you say after you say hello" for instance). Don't expect quick results though.

Thing is, all of those communication things that happen have a cumulative effect, and after a while, you loose interest in your partner. I know because it happened to me, and I went to therapy to try and see what happened. I thought it must've been me. And at least partially - it was. But her part was there too. Luckily we both recognized that, and are workin on it. It is essential not to ever let those little poisonous exchanges go unnoticed. Ever. IF they do happen - notice them, bring them up, and make sure you correct them - whoever did it, needs to apologize from their heart.

And then passion slowly comes back.

Either that, or maybe you're just not the kind of person who loves deeply, and instead prefers short thrills... That's something only you know; but typically those types find it very easy to have an affair.

As a previous post mentioned, passion will inevitably fade and I am in 100% agreement that a marriage or union of ANY type should never, ever be based upon passion. Honesty, intetgrity, trust, and safety are the bases of a healthy, long-term relationship. Passion can be found in a bar, on a corner, at a grocery store, or in a corporate office. Passion has nothing to do with love.

Keeping these things in mind, it may be a wise move to consult a marriage counselor or look into a marriage seminar. Both of these resources will be able to teach management techniques, enhancing sexual activity, and communication skills that are so vital for a healthy relationship.

For goodness sake, please, think twice about using pornographic materials as an aid to fan the flames - what someone is seeing (particularly males) in pornography is a> NOT representative of love, b> NOT representative of healthy sexual activity, c> NOT representative of healthy emotional support, and d> can infect a person's psyche enough to create serious issues. And, in this day of rampant diseases, a one-time sexual fling with someone that you think that you know, or an anonymous encounter, can result in a long, miserable death, let alone the emotional ramifications of a random sexual encounter.

Best of luck to you!