What the crap is wrong with me? 
kevinnader
18 y
2,488
I am off today and so is my roomie. About 10 mins ago he gets his keys and leaves the apartment. Doesnt tell me where hes going or nothing. Which is fine. The moment that he got his keys and I knew he was going to leave,my stomach got turned. I guess its because everytime that we are both off,I expect us to hangout. Last week we saw a movie and went to mall,and the week before that we were both off and we went to Tulsa and hungout for 6 hours there. Both times mind you,I suggested hanging out. So,why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel like I need to be with him everytime he leaves the apartment or that we need to hangout 1 day a week at least when we're both off?? I just dont know when to hangout or suggest it or when not to. Since he never suggests anything,but mostly agrees if I suggest something.
IM NOT OBSESSED WITH HIM! Believe me,im not. Im just so lonely out here. I know he needs his space and wants to be alone sometimes im sure,but I feel like he couldve asked me to go wherever he was going...
later
More
- Nothing wrong, just set up a friendl... #25098
18 y
2,412
MoreThis is a reply to # 777,464Be more casual.
Once in a while talk about something you are going to do, and invite him. Give him room to say no, without embarrassment.
Have confidence. He's given you space in his home, whatever the arrangement. Just as you have given him space in your home.
Now learn how to be GUESTS in each other's space.
You will both like it.
- Re: Nothing wrong, just set up a fri... kevinnader
18 y
2,315
- Re: Nothing wrong, just set up a fri... #25098
18 y
2,363
This is a reply to # 777,828Treat each other as though you are invited guests. Politeness is a great way to get to know people.
There is a period of time while you are getting comfortable in each other's company.
Pick up after yourself. Be clean and tidy. Be quiet sometimes. Find a few friends and interests in the community. Tidy up your language.
Try to understand what the other needs. Not 'get inside his head', just use reasonable consideration. See if you can figure out what he means, what he would like, without asking.
Most questions will settle out, in time. Let them.
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- Re: Nothing wrong, just set up a fri... #25098
18 y
2,363
- Re: Nothing wrong, just set up a fri... kevinnader
18 y
2,315
- Re: What the crap is wrong with me? kathryn101
18 y
2,764
This is a reply to # 777,464Kevin...There is NOTHING wrong with you except paranoia. :-) You guys aren't
MARRIED...you're ROOMMATES!!! You 'share' an apartment! He should be free to do
his thing and you are free to do yours. He gets his meals...you get yours...he has
HIS day off to do what HE wants to do...and so do you. You may get closer in time...
but right now ... you are BOTH adjusting to this new living arrangement and to sharing the apartment. If you'll just roll with the punches and don't text him
at the drop of a hat...and be paranoid...I'm sure you will become the great friends
you were back home. It's just a new situation to adjust to...that's all.
The problem is very simple. This is a new town to you. You don't know anybody yet...or very few...so that makes it hard. Didn't HE move out there from your old
hometown? If he did...he had to make the same adjustments back then...that you are
making now. Except that 'maybe' he started out alone in an apartment.
He is not your 'keeper'...you have to start acting like an adult and start making
a life for yourself.
You said you went to the First Baptist Church last Sunday...so why don't you call
the pastor there and ask if you can come and talk with him? Did he seem 'nice'
when you were there on Sunday? Was the pastor a 'people person'? Did he act like
he really 'cared' about his congregation? If so...he will be more than glad to
help you make new friends within his church...and in the community. He will help
you find functions to attend...volunteer work to do, etc. And that's the best way
to make new friends and get really 'tight' with people. Ask the pastor if there
are any little jobs you can do to help there at the church or in the community.
Now if the pastor on Sunday did NOT act friendly and caring, etc. Or like he would
be someone you could talk to...then you're in the wrong church...it's that simple.
Tomorrow is Wednesday...that's church night here in the bible belt. So I would
suppose it is there in Oklahoma, also. :-) So if you don't have to work...go to
church SOMEWHERE. If you liked the church last Sunday and felt welcome and at home...then go back to that one. If not...ask around...ask if anyone knows which
baptist church is the friendliest....check out the paper and see if any of them
run any ads...and see if the ads make them sound friendly.
Always remember that you can go to the library and use their computer if you can't
use the one at home.
I hope you will post again soon if you go talk to the pastor. And keep us posted
on how the next couple of days go. This is a new beginning for you. Make it a
great one. Don't sit around waiting for opportunities to come knocking on your
door....go out and FIND opportunities. The sky is the limit...but you've got to
put on your thinking cap and come up with some things you can do...and then just
go do them.
Keep us posted. I worry about you...and I check curezone 2 or 3 times a day when I
can to see if you've posted. You can make this work...
Now if that pastor Sunday seemed nice and caring...go find him or give him a call...and just tell him you're having a little trouble adjusting to your new town
and ask if there are any things he can help you get in...young people groups, etc...and turn this around in your favor. OR...if you go to church tomorrow night...after church is over...ask the pastor if you can speak with him for just
a minute...and tell him you're having a problem adjusting to your new town...and you'd like to know if there are some organizations within the church or community where you could make new friends......Will you do that? kathryn
- [Message Subject Hidden by a Forum Moderator] #61756
18 y
2,232
- Re: Kevin, make psychology your new ... rygar
18 y
2,205
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This is a reply to # 777,849go out and bring some girls home
(:
it's always a good remedy to stike up a good guy bondinging type thing,
or start subtly suggesting to him that you are interested (if so) in his hobbies,
cars,movies or whatever (if you are that is) grab a six pack and ask if
he wants one.Rent a cool movie and leave it around,you know -something of
the action nature with loud booms ,scantly clad woman and car chases (even the brightest of intellectuals would'nt mind such a winning combination!)
but avoid romantic comedies and drama ,unless you are into that sorta thing
lol
(:
just be cool dude,it's not like you are dating the guy!
it's better to suggest things casually or he'll freak.
- ugh kevinnader
18 y
2,242
This is a reply to # 777,888prob is,i worry bout stupid thngs. like,tnite he came home from walmart and was in his room rest of night. for instance,our bathroom has 2 doors. one to jons room and the other to kitchen. we agreed to keep the one to jon's room locked. That way we dnt walk in on each other. Well,tonight for the first time he used it. he got a shower and used the door from his room to bathroom. so,that made my bowels turn. It was almost like he was avoidin me by goin to bathroom shortcut,which we agreed not to use. I mean,we didnt get in a fight or anythng,so I dont see why. If I would send him a text tomorrow askin if he was mad at me cuz he went to bathroom from his room,he'd probly flip. If I have to live with this every day/week for next year,omg! I still dont know how to go about asking him to hangout with me on my days off. I prefer sending txt's. Guess we'll see next mon or tues. ugh. so,today from 3pm-10pm we were both here. he would play xbox and i'd watch him,or i'd play it while he was on computer. so,we both basically chilled here. I would have liked to go out,but i was scared to ask. another prob we have,he listens to music loud on computer,while im watchin tv. its in same room. i think it annoys us both.
i gtg,he'd kill me if he knew i was on. well,hopefully tomorrow i'll go without sendin him a txt
- ugh kevinnader
18 y
2,242
- kevin... kathryn101
18 y
2,341
This is a reply to # 777,849kevin...The last thing you need to be doing right now is reading psychology books...
OR bringing wild women home and acting like a yard dog.
You said in your own post weeks ago...that you wanted to be a 'leader' and work
with young people. And before you can do that...you have to get your own head on
straight.
I was so anxious for trapper to respond to your post, because he seems to really
care about you too...but I have to disagree with what he said, also. Because
you've done quite enough TALKING and texting already...I think that's part of the
problem.
Some people like to have a little 'space'. Some quiet time of their own during the
day, just to relax and clear their thoughts...and your friend is probably like that.
I can just see him coming out of his room to take a shower or whatever it was he
was about to do...and you staring a hole through him just to see if he's going to
TALK to you...or WAVE at you...or give you the PEACE sign. ;-) He probably stood
in his room for 5 minutes thinking..."Ok, we said we wouldn't use the locked door..
but he is driving me CRAZY with his stares and paranoia...and I just can't walk
through there right now and put myself through that...so I'm going to use THIS door
and avoid a confrontation." :-)
Don't make him sorry he invited you to share his apartment.
And do you have much money put back? Because if you keep this up...you may be looking for your own apartment soon. So hoard that money, just in case or you'll
find yourself back on the East Coast or wherever it was you came from.
I gave you some really good sound advice which went along with what you said you
wanted to do with your life. "Ask and it shall be given." :-)
I have had experience in working with crisis counseling with high school kids, kevin. And I'm offering you my help. But you've got to be willing to communicate
with me before I can help you.
Re-read my post from yesterday...and see if you can't work some of that advice in
to your day today. I guarantee you...you will be sooooooooooooooo glad you did.
kathryn
- doubt it.. kevinnader
18 y
2,277
This is a reply to # 777,966First of all kathryn,you dont know the reason he used that door. So um,im not totally ignoring that.
I dont think he even thinks or knows im paranoid. I mean,even he text's me sometmes during the day,saying "what are you doing?" or somin. If he was that pissed or bothered about it,he'd tell me,believe me.
I will follow your advice however and take things more easy going. He cant throw me out either,we both pay the rent and if I was gone he would have to go as well.- Re: doubt it.. kathryn101
18 y
2,347
This is a reply to # 778,113Well for the love of Pete, Kevin....you were asking what WE thought...right????
And that's what "I" thought!
And if you don't 'think' he thinks or knows you're paranoid...you are one brick
short of a load, rascal. Because if 'we' can tell...and we're just posting to you...don't think for a minute 'he' can't tell and him right there with you.
And HIS text messages are NOT paranoid...he's saying..."Whatcha up to, pal?"
But when you text HIM...you're saying, "You're not MAD at me are you?" or "Why
did you and your friends laugh at me...it made me feel 'weird'." or "Why did you
go for a drive and not ask me to go...have I DONE something?" or "Are you still
mad that I was on your computer too long?"
He is a very good friend to you...or he would not have wanted to share an apartment
with you.
Having read many of your posts...and hearing YOU tell US what you feel and fear
is going on...is what led me to believe what I did.
Are you looking for advice....or just wanting to vent? Because believe me...I have
plenty to do right here 'if' you don't want help and or advice. But my heart went
out to you way before you went to Oklahoma...and if I can help...and you want help...then I would like nothing more than to help in any way I can.
Gotta get to church....I hope that's where you're heading...that's where you'll
find new friends...and it's the first step along the path you 'said' you wanted
to take. kathryn
- Re: doubt it.. kathryn101
18 y
2,347
- doubt it.. kevinnader
18 y
2,277
- Deleted? #61756
18 y
2,159
This is a reply to # 777,849Southern Belle said that my post wasn't supportive? Huh? Kevin didn't ask for wishy washy support, he asked "What the crap is wrong with me."
Since I experienced similar perceptual difficulties to Kevin's during my teenage years, and now qualified on the subject, I tried to answer his question truthfully. The actual purpose of my message was to give Kevin a list of psychology books which I thought were the most relevant to his question. In the spirit of CureZone I wanted to offer Kevin the choice of education rather than simply medicate his personality. I apologize for the writing style or if I came across as trying to upset Kevin.- Re: Deleted? kathryn101
18 y
2,242
This is a reply to # 779,401Hi #61756...I've read Southern Belle's posts for 4 years and even emailed back and
forth with her on a subject 2 or 3 years ago...and I can tell you for a fact that she did NOT mean to hurt your feelings. She is a wonderful and caring person.
Believe it or not...there are several people on curezone who don't just post to see
their post in print...they take the time to post because they really care. This isn't just something to do when there's nothing else to do for many of us...we care about the posters that are in need and are sincere...and we think about them even when we're not sitting at our computer. That's why some of us have to 'pop in'...as
was said of me a couple of weeks ago. Many of us don't have the luxury of sitting
at our computers all day. Even though 'we're' retired..we stay very, very busy and
I have to 'make time'...to 'pop in'...and check on anyone I'm trying to help.
If you had been very familiar with kevinnader's posts...you would know without hesitation...that he is in no shape to be sitting down with psychology books and
reading and trying to decipher his own situation and thoughts. He needs help from
folks who already KNOW what's in those books and has an understanding of that kind
of thing.
kevin absolutely DOES need positive support from people he knows actually care about
him. And all this garbage about getting drunk and bringing home girls had to have
come from someone who ... in spite of their age...have not matured emotionally. And
reading the 4 psychology books wasn't a much better response either...sorry to say.
Unfortunately there is a lot of very bad advice given on curezone. Hopefully, in
spite of the problems most posters are asking help with...they have the good common sense to take the good advice and ignore the bad. Because some of it is really,
really bad.
Go out there and make this the best day you ever had, #61756. kathryn
- Re: Deleted? kathryn101
18 y
2,242
- Re: Kevin, make psychology your new ... rygar
18 y
2,205
- wrong, everybody trapper/kcmo
18 y
2,305
- Re: wrong, everybody pada
18 y
2,348
This is a reply to # 777,902I agree-patience also helps
sometimes there is nothing to do but wait and have patience with the process and know
that you are loved beyond measure and that all will work out
EVEN if it doesn't look like
what you think it should....
It could look BAD, but without the experience you could never
have gotten to the next square on the checkers board(see if I was really sophisticated I'd know how to play chess)
This is what is meant by a checkered past...yes- ;}
Keep your sense of humor, taking life seriously will
1. ruin your fun
2. make a grouchy roommate
- Re: wrong, everybody pada
18 y
2,348
- Re: What the crap is wrong with me? rygar
18 y
2,238
This is a reply to # 777,464what exactly do you want from him?
friendship? company? someone to hang out with?
- Re: What the crap is wrong with me? #65224
18 y
2,297
This is a reply to # 777,464Kevin,
You two are not dating!! Your behavior does sound obsessive (not trying to be mean... just trying to be honest with you) and it is likely to offend him. If you hold your friends and loved ones so close that you suffocate them, they'll want to leave. However, if you relax and allow them to come and go... allow them to be free... they'll be much more likely to want to spend time with you.
Are you working full time? I really feel that once you get benefits, you should consider seeing a therapist. I'm not saying you need to be taking psychotropic drugs... just saying that you would most likely benefit from having a therapist who can help you to work on your depression, anxiety, obsessions and relationship skills.
In the meantime, try not to be so anxious about your roommate... constantly remind yourself that everything will be ok. Good luck.- beer anyone??? rygar
18 y
2,406
This is a reply to # 778,199
sometimes it's just better to grab a beer and have a 'man-talk' and shoot the shit..
trust me,it's alot better then the alternative ...
*cough
*cough
obsessive compulsive thoughts centering around your roomate with underlining homosexual tensions...
just kidding
(: - Re: What the crap is wrong with me? Westman
18 y
2,378
This is a reply to # 778,199The point is that most therapists and psychiatrists will prescribe psychotropics.
- Re: What the crap is wrong with me? #65224
18 y
2,258
This is a reply to # 779,406First of all, most therapists (as in counselors... most often LCSW's and LPC's) cannot legally prescribe drugs! Second, there are therapists who support alternative treatments. Just because a person does not want to take meds does not mean that s/he cannot benefit from or seek therapy... especially when the person has chronic symptoms of anxiety, depression, obsessive/compulsive traits, and characterisitics that indicate a possible personality disorder.
A lot of people here seem to think that they can help everyone. Face it... some people need professional help. That help can be obtained from a provider who supports and/or provides alternative treatments.
- Re: What the crap is wrong with me? #65224
18 y
2,258
- beer anyone??? rygar
18 y
2,406
- Better NOT tell roommate the FEARS! #25098
18 y
2,312
This is a reply to # 777,464I think Kevin is doing very well in keeping his text messages to his roommate to a minimum.
Maybe once or twice a SPECIFIC question, like - steak for dinner? or tickets to a game? or washed the kitchen floor - where is the narrow nozzle to the vac?
Friendly like.
The fears will fade as good things kick in.- Hi Kevin Southern Belle
18 y
2,235
This is a reply to # 778,253Hi Kevin,
Well, I must say you have been given a LOT of advice. The post by #61756 was uncalled for and was anything BUT support.
The other advice you received was OK, but I would think twice about bringing women to your apartment. A couple of the posts were GREAT, so listen to Trapper and Kathryn!
The only thing I would add is this.....Because I am in property management and have had many dealings with roommate situations, let me tell you this......IT IS HARD TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE. Kevin, you may think you are the most easy going human being to be with, but I bet your roommate feels that way, too. But, when two human beings come together as roommates, something usually goes wrong and there's no one thing you can put your finger on. I have had roommates come to me saying things like...."My roommate eats all MY food, My roommate is a slob, My roommate gives me no space...." I could go on and on, but you get the picture.
Now, I am not saying this is what is happening in your situation, but what you are describing is normal. It is no reflection on you whatsoever!
Oh, and if this roommate does not work out, next time you get a roommate, establish "the rules" before you become roommates. I sincerely hope this works out, but over the years, I have seen best friends no longer speak once they lived together. I wish I could explain what happens, but something is triggered with roommate situations. If you can afford a one bedroom, then live by yourself.
I hope I haven't bummed you more. Just enjoy today and have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Paulette
- Hi Kevin Southern Belle
18 y
2,235
- Nothing wrong, just set up a friendl... #25098
18 y
2,412
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