First let me apologize because I know that this is going to get a little long, but I just have to get this out. Thank you for reading.

Let me start by saying that I am so utterly depressed, and feel that I am basically stuck. I am ready to leave to get out of this hell, and start my life over. I've been in this relationship almost 8 years. I'm only 24 years old. So basically since I was pretty young. He is now almost 30 years old. Right now, I'm not in any physical danger, because I have learned to keep my mouth shut, and not say anything to set this evil man off. I barely know where to even start. Basically he has been abusive since the beginning of the relationship. I would leave, and foolishly come back believing everything he told me, and wanting to believe in my heart that he would change. His excuse had always been, he was drunk and doesn't remember (what a cop out.) That was his way of pretending that, that was not really the kind of person he is.

So after years of abuse I basically bite my tongue at everything, and because of that he takes even more advantage of the situation. Meaning he will go out and stay out all night, more and more. Basically every weekend I can count on being here alone in this hell hole. It's not so much being alone that bothers me, it is being here. I want out so bad, but I don't know how to grasp it.

I recently heard him bragging on the phone to his mother which is a whole other story, I can't stand the woman. She herself is in an abusive relationship, but thinks that in my situation I deserve it because I do something to set him off, or didn't do enough. I can't believe that woman. Anyway, he was bragging on the phone to her, after she and her husband had gotten into. He was saying to her, "If me and ** get into I just leave, because I don't want things to get out of hand.!" Bull S@!* things don't not get out of hand because he leaves, it's because I put up with all of his crap and say nothing we he does whatever he pleases. It's sickening the things he does, and how I hold back, because I'm scared of having my nose broken again.

My financial situation right now, is the ONLY thing keeping me from getting out of here. He did not work for about 2 months and I was sitting here struggling by myself, while all he did was sit on his a@@ and play video games with his boys! Now, this is a grown man almost 30 years old mind you. Oh, and just this weekend while I was sitting here working 13 hours today, he left the night before (Saturday) around 8pm when I starting working to the crackhead neighbors house and came home around 11:30am Sunday! I mean come on, I can't take this anymore. I am losing my mind here everyday I feel like I'm dying more and more. I feel so helpless sometimes I just want to cry, but I can't because I have no more tears left, all I have is desperation.

Our car brokedown almost 5 months ago, and I kid you not I have not left the house since then! Not, because I don't want to but because I have no way to get around. He has his family who comes and picks him up everyday and takes him wherever he needs to go, which strengthens my dependacy on him. I feel like I am going crazy. I am all alone, and I don't feel safe in my own home, because he is also turning even further in the wrong direction. I don't do any drugs, or do I drink much anymore (I used to). He is both. He associates himself with those kind of people. He does things I don't approve of, or want to have anything to do with. He hangs out with other people who all they do is drink, and get high. I want out so bad, but because of things being so tight around here, there is never a dime left for me to save. I'm seriously considering getting a loan, but I don't know with my credit if I'll be able to get what I need, without putting myself at more in debt. I feel like theres no way out for me, so I figured someone from the outside maybe able to see a way out better than I can, and also offer me any suggestions on what I can do to come up with the money to get out.

Currently I work from home, I love the job, and the people and since I don't have a car it works great for me. I'm trying to find another job to do as well just for the purpose of saving the money to get out.

Thanks for listening, I know I was all over the place, but thats not even half of the things I've put up with. I don't deserve this. How can you do things like that to someone you say you love. I don't understand. I could never hurt anyone the way he has hurt me, not even my worst enemy...