Theory about why women go back. 
#45829
19 y
1,999
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I'm just guessing at this. But from what I've been told by a couple of people who have been abused, including myself, is the hope that the abuser will change. It's the optimism that knowing deep down the abuser is a good person and fun to be with. After all, we fell in love with them for a reason, right? This optimism blinds us though. We look at life through rose colored lenses. He's wonderful for a while, then BAM! it's scarry again. Another reason, in my case, too, is the embarrasment of admitting we've made a mistake. He's not the person we thought he was. We have these conflicting feeling that keep us with the abuser.
Any comments, other insights, disagreements?
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- Re: Theory about why women go back. Autumn
19 y
1,710
This is a reply to # 723,784Hi 45829,
It's good to see your message, I was hoping you would come over to this forum.
The reason I stayed was actually several modern philosophies.
New Age: If I am unhappy it's my fault. As one famous author says "I can see peace instead of this." Or Course in Miracles, or Words from UNITY, or Richard Bach, on and on - ideas that we create our own happiness and we have to affirm good things here and now.
Or some 12-Step meetings, telling me that if a person says terrible things, well I can just brush it off and turn it over to my higher power. Obviously those meetings did NOT tell me to sit and be physically hurt, but they DID give examples of horrible marriages where the wife just kept Letting Go and learned to turn off her ears.
Or marriage counseling books that say sooner or later every true lasting intimate relationship will bring out the deepest hurts and shadows in our nature and we must stick it out in order to become loving people.
I thought if relationships were scary or hurtful, then if I didn't stick it out I would re-create that dynamic over and over everywhere else. I thought dating was like boot camp. Guess what? Wrong!
That's a start. On to your other message now.
Autumn
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- Re: Theory about why women go back. #1409
19 y
1,813
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Hi
Autumm : your post is very good!
I agree 100%. I am not a battered wife, but I have had some relationship problems in my life.
I am trying to heal it and now I recognized that I was influenced by all those messages of "peace" and "love" like: no one can harm you, it is your mind that creates those feelings. or "You can change the way you see things and then change the output etc.
Now I am very careful with what I believe. It is important to be optimistic but also we need to see the reality. The hope that our desires are going to change a person is not realistic. We can change ourselves only. WE can change how we feel about things but the others actions are a reality we need to see in the way it is not how we desire it to be.
People do not change just because we wish to. And even if they want to change, change implies a lot of effort, commitment, will. It is an internal personal decision.
Now, I have learned to see people for what they do and understand that it does not matter how hard I try to make things right, a relationship is made of TWO people not one, so the other person believes and actions also count.
Hope has to see reality, no dreams. I jhope for a better life, with joy and harmony. It requires an effort to see the reality and the real oportunities, no fantasy.- Re: Theory about why women go back. Autumn
19 y
1,614
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This is a reply to # 723,787Dear 1409,
Thank you!!
And yes, I'm having to take it on faith that relationships don't HAVE to be totally grueling, at least not in the first few weeks of courtship, and not due to hurtful unnecessary behaviors on the part of one's new sweetie who ought to be at least trying to put his best foot forward!
These days actions speak so much louder than words.
I honestly don't care if a guy says I love you, I care a lot that he watches his words before they fly out of his mouth.
Thank you for that heartening post, both hope AND clear vision.
Wishing us both all the best for a happier future starting this second,
A
- Re: Theory about why women go back. #45829
19 y
1,573
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Thank you for your responses. I really was hoping to get a discussion started because it looked like it's been a while since any one has written on this forum. Anyway, I'm going through the AA steps for myself and as I'm reading, I really don't think the information is worth passing on to my daugher. I'm afraid it would give her the wrong message. It would be better to go to the abuser.
Just my opinion.- Re: Theory about why women go back. Autumn
19 y
1,679
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
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This is a reply to # 723,796Hi, 45829,
I wonder how your daughter is doing and whether she's back with him now.
Yesterday I was thinking about her situation and thought, well, for me that experience was like getting smallpox, hopefully I'm immune by now. I think it burned out all my patience for that sort of treatment and I'm just too tough and troublesome a target now.
So maybe that is one piece of it; our loved ones get these fevers and we can stand by with a cold towel and talk them through it. Knowing that we are here does help I believe, even though they and we might not know it at the time.
Oh, AA. Cool. I was a 24/7 participant in Al-Anon and other programs for many years, they did a lot of good. So you've found that part of the AA message is less helpful and might give her the wrong idea? No need to answer, but I wonder how the program is helpful and not so helpful for you; I just find those discussions interesting and useful.
Take good care,
A
- Re: Theory about why women go back. Autumn
19 y
1,679
- Re: Theory about why women go back. #45829
19 y
1,573
- Re: Theory about why women go back. Autumn
19 y
1,614
- Re: Theory about why women go back. #1409
19 y
1,813
- Re: Theory about why women go back.
... #9000
19 y
1,762
This is a reply to # 723,784and watch all these gals hook up with the very worst of society.
Some of these guys had many beautiful gals coming in 2-3 times a week.
They would go out crying and be back out the next week. Whatever it
was, who knows.
- Re: Theory about why women go back. Autumn
19 y
1,710
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