re-evaluation-he's really just not t... 
cookie777
18 y
1,411
For the first time in the past seven months of analyzing, and analyzing the analysis, and then analyzing some more about what it all means - everything he says, does, or any contact we have - I've for some reason become quiet enough to stop and ask myself - Do I really want to be with this guy?
You know it's funny to notice that still, at the age of 30, after I left him - the only time I felt strong, controlled, and in my right mind was when he was trying to get me back. Now that I've given the impression that I'd like to try to work things out, we're somehow on "friendship" terms - that is, now that he knows I'm interested in trying to work things out, he no longer blows up my phone or sends me text messages to tell me all the little quirks he misses about me.
Now that I know that he knows I want to work it out - why do I feel out of control - like an emotional basketcase.
Don't get me wrong - I know how to play the "game" - I'm ashamed to admit. I never let on that I'm feeling desperate and wanting to ask him when we'll finally be together again - and I know how to act all coy and distant to make him think that I just want to take things slow.
But inside I just want to go full speed ahead - I thought I was over him. No, I'm quite sure that I was. Until I started seeing him again.
So now I'm in a situation where I don't know how to end something that doesn't even exist. We're not together - even though the past two times I've seen him we've slept together. But we're "just friends" or "trying to see what we can salvage" in his words". Going from that to "I'll see you around sometime" when we hung up the phone tonight just messes with my head.
Why do I feel so incredibly drawn to this person when all it seems to be is a series of games and power and control? It's the typical 'you only want them when you they get over you thing'?. Can these deep feelings that I have really be reduced to such childish, trivial games?
I'm sorry for the senseless rambling - I've always been a strong woman. That is, when I end a relationship - I end it for a reason and I remember that reason and I don't look back. I don't need to settle for crumbs or leftovers or the brow-beaten version of the person that I really wanted. So why can't I let go?
I was married and it was easier to get over my divorce than it is this guy and he was just my boyfriend for less than a year. Does that mean something?
My husband and I divorced quickly and cleanly - it was hard, but I got over it because I never saw him again.
This guy, why do we have to end things on good terms and be friends? Trying to salvage something? Where is this going? Is this going anywhere? I would ask him but that would be showing vunerability and presureing him.
I do know that I'm am so sick and tired of this guy being in my head - I want to be with him - but even more I just want him out of my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my desires.....I wouldn't mind so much if I thought it had an end somewhere.
Sorry for rambling but as you'll see from what I posted a while ago - the issues that are here obviously go way beyond the fact that this guy has baggage and no time for me.
Thanks for the feedback - I just needed to vent.
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- Re: re-evaluation-he's really just n... meire
18 y
1,519
This is a reply to # 670,496The 'game' - that seems to be part of the problem here. When he didn't have you his ego was probably a bit dented, so he wanted you back - and you felt great because your ego was being stroked (I don't mean that as an insult, I'm, just trying to point out the stupid messes our egos can get us into ;))
Then when he did win you back, or at least he won your interest back - his ego was being stroked, and yours has now been dented because you don't have the upper hand and you're not sure whether he really wants you. I think you have to call a halt to all the game playing, someone has to be the adult here. And I'd stop the sex until you can establish exactly what you have with each other and if that's what you both want. If you want to know for once and for all, I think you're going to have to be honest with him, even if that means appearing vulnerable, and you're going to have to tell it like it is, let him know that it's hurting you. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him where he sees it going, and if he doesn't know or if he feels pressurised then maybe leave it for a while and give him some space to decide what he wants - and that means no sex and no being at his beck and call whenever he feels like seeing you. I understand that he's probably confused, but all the game playing won't help him to come to a decision. Confused or not though, it's not good for you to be hanging on like this not knowing where it's going, so perhaps you should try to find something to occupy you, do some things for yourself in the meantime. That doesn't mean you abandon the idea of a relationship altogether, but some distance and putting your focus elsewhere for a while might help you both to gain a little perspective.
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- Edited #57989
18 y
1,309
This is a reply to # 670,496Read your post and the prior one which I somehow missed (??).
It sounds like you've got some very crucial elements in your relationship as well as the makings of a perfectly good train wreck.
I believe that when you find the right person, it should be as natural as two birds in a rose bush, however, blended families, age and other factors (like therapy) sometimes interfere w/this.
Despite the Un-PCness of it, I like the fact that he wants you to have his child. I had a long discusion w/my guy friends about this a few months ago and they all agreed that this is "icky" with most women they sleep with, but with the "one" an overwhelming need.
The title of your post suggests that you have read or are aware of the Greg Behrendt book of the same title. I have this book and forty more just like it - The Rules, The Anti-Rules, The Promise, blah, blah, blah. I read all of them and mentally masturbated thoughts of worthiness, unworthiness, etc. for years.
HOWEVER, when I met the guy I'm w/now, after effing up the relationship for months, I just let go of all my BS and it literally became effortless. If I want to hold hands, I reach over and hold hands. If I want to call him, I call. I'm not talking about the effed up version of this where I call to ask if he thinks I'm fat in these pants or some other screwed up thing.
Sex is astounding because for once in my life I'm not worried about ANYTHING when we have it, not ever orgasm, because, he/I will reach it or not and it doesn't matter.
I think you can analyze anything to death, even analysis, and I'm not knocking examination, I just think that relationships w/men should be fun, not work.
You have a lot of good raw elements at your bidding - good luck.
babycakes- Whoa...you are right as hell molly bloom
18 y
1,378
This is a reply to # 670,498For me (regarding my husband of 23 years) it was much more painful to be without him than anything else that I could imagine. I literally wanted to be with him as much as possible. For years, just seeing his face come through the door made my heart leap. It was that special face, the one in the crowd that you most wanted to see. And to this day, I still enjoy that face coming through the door. No matter what we've gone through, that month, that week, the day before....I still want THAT face to come through the door. It's not as exciting, but it still gives me comfort. I still feel pleasure sharing the same space.
It was effortless. It was easy. It was game-less. It was joyful. I never, once, second guessed it. I never needed to analyze it. I would fiercely defend it to anyone who questioned it.
Are we soul mates? Nah, don't buy that. But for me, it was the the end of the beginning.
Sometimes he really pisses me off....but, he's still THE ONE.
- hiya cookie Autumn
18 y
1,604
R
This is a reply to # 670,500Hello Sister on the Path,
I read your earlier post and this one and wondered, What does he give you?
You were mentioning having a lot of feelings, and they sound like good normal healthy feelings for a woman to have, so that seems fine. You mentioned a level of connection that you fear you may never feel for anyone else again. So good, I'm open to hearing about that: What is he contributing to the sense of connection that you feel?
And it's totally likely that I'm missing something big that he has done for you. Maybe he encouraged you to go back to school and helped with your application process. Or supported you and cared for you when you made some big investment in your health. Or whatever. And if so, that's really nice.
Sounds as if he needs a bunch of help with working on the house and with parenting the little nephew, and as if he really likes having wonderful sex with you. And again, that's fine especially if he is also really coming through for you in some significant way.
One little worry is that if you met while he was still officially married, maybe he didn't get to have his grieving/transition period after the marriage ended amd he might want one in the future.
Another little worry is that sometimes a guy urgently wants a woman to have his baby because he really loves the mothering side of her and wants to emphasize that in her nature. Or because he would like her to stay put and depend on him. What things has he done to prepare himself to be a good father to a new child? One good preparation would be a long talk with you about financial support from him. Another would be to, say, offer an engagement and some clear plans about commitment in the future.
My experience with men is very very limited, just a few of them really, but any time one wanted to choose me and make a life together, he had NO PROBLEM letting me know. He always found the time, the driving money, the resources, the courage and opportunity to say so and show that he was serious. And, they were really blunt and clear about it.
So again I'm not saying you should leave, but I do hear that you have some second thoughts and concerns, and it seems that time and involvement are not resolving or reassuring your sense of confusion about what is going on. Since you are the one writing to this forum, then to me you are the one whose welfare comes first here.
Blessings,
Autumn
- hiya cookie Autumn
18 y
1,604
R
- Whoa...you are right as hell molly bloom
18 y
1,378
- Re: re-evaluation-he's really just n... meire
18 y
1,519
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