I married my highschool sweetheart when I was 19, but we started dating when I was 15 years old. He is the only dating/boyfriend experience I ever had.
I let all my friends drop off when I was 15, and we spent every moment together. During the the first year of dating, he had family problems- parents that threw him out. My family took him in, so he also lived with me all those years. We spent all the holidays together, and all the time together.
We've been married for 10 years,and I made him my world. I get panic attacks, which only he seeems to understand. He's never cheated on me. He has strange ways of being hateful at times for no apparent reason, which will send me into the worst panic attacks and crying spells you couldn't imagine. He'll be so sorry later on, and console me, and tell me he loves me and doesn't know why he was such a jerk. Otherwise he's a sweetheart.
Well about 3 years ago, we split up, because of all the hatefullness (that was never ending at that time). I moved in w/my mother (who lives 600 miles away).
We kept in touch during those years. He seemed to do ok, he partied and had good times w/out me (which devastated me). I laid in bed, stared at the ceiling, and just wanted to die. I haven't really gone out at all...except w/my mother. I'd go days w/out showering or eating, or sleeping.
I went back home to visit my father last Christmas....well, we hooked up again- except I resented him so much, I hated him and yet I couldn't help love him.
He's been by my side for about the last year, but I stayed pretty guarded; even though it was comforting to have him w/me. I started to trust him again and really love him again. He started turning on me.
I started doing research on the web- to see if he had a mental illness or something. After all the searching, I found his exact symptoms and disorder: Narcissitic Personality Disorder- prognosis is not good.
Anyway he turned on me big time, and beat me up. He has never been violent w/ me before, and then he broke my nose and gave me a severe concussion.
He stayed around for about a month, because he kept telling everyone that it was an accident, and I wasn't mentally well enough to stand my ground. I got vertigo, inner ear problems, and blurred vision at times, from all this.
Anyway I bought him a bus ticket to go away, he still calls and begs me back, he cries for forgiveness, tells me me he loves me. I talk to him; even though I know I shouldn't. I want to forgive him; just to stop the constant pain in my heart and in my gut; yet I know I'm crazy to entertain such thoughts.
I know the right answer, but I'm so lonely, I can't leave the house, or seem to find joy. I'm taking panic medication now, that allows life to be somewhat bearable.
Sometimes when I think of dating; I get scared...I've haven't dated since I was 15. I don't how to act.
Things feel hopeless for me.