Hi 23813,

Well sure, you have a perfect right to feel what you feel, especially as a mom who is just about to be a double mom and wants lots of support and emotional presence from the mate in the nest.

Self-absorbing distractions can be really tough! Doesn't matter what kind of addiction. Sports, job, hunting, whatever. I know a couple of 15 years that is being torn apart because one of them can't stop playing math games. She's been doing it all night for ages; doubled her body weight by just sitting on a couch, can't work full time any more, hasn't had sex in years, can't do the housework or help with the dishes, too busy staring at a screen, sometimes doesn't respond to conversations for days. Math!!!!!

Just because it's porn, does not mean that his sex drive is super-high or that you are unattractive!!! A guy who is totally focused on his woman will be wildly excited by her expanding tummy (and will want to listen to little kicks and engage in baby talk even at 3 a.m.)

And sure, he does sound like a good guy in the ways that you described. Except for this distraction, which sounds like a really stressful way of dealing with stress.

Also I see no indication that he sees this as a problem or is asking you to help him stop. Sounds like he is not listening to you when you suggest that he ease off. So it looks like, I'm sorry to say, the one going into counseling or getting support of some kind is gonna be you.

This sounds very familiar by the way, similar to a wife who posted about this before. In fact, maybe that was you. Here is the question for right now: what kind of support do you have? You deserve lots of friends around you and good sane adults. Who is there? I hope you have a morning routine that nurtures you and your child so that you don't have to watch anybody being too engrossed to relate.

And by the way, how old is your other child? It would be good if he or she was not seeing this on screen. Also, is the computer or software licensed in your name? If so, it could be a worthwhile idea to set up a computer of your own that is separate with a separate password, for your own work and files.

Let us know how you're doing,
Blessings,
A

Dear You,

In my humble opinion ... it is "you"... but not in the way that you probably think.

Every one has their own idea of romance... even men. We all have conditioning, programming, expectations, needs, and perceptions.

It sounds as though your husband already meets a lot of your needs... just not "all" of them. And you are still head over heels in love with him is an impression that I get - which is a good thing for both of you.

For what it is worth... I deeply love a man who often does not behave in a way that would provide me with ideal reassurance of his love. He (like most healthy men with a healthy sex drive) likes his porn, enjoys the sight of beautiful women in as little clothing as they either appear or he can imagine them in, and generally is under the influence of testosterone at whatever fluctuating level of influence, 24 hours a day.

What matters to me is that he values fidelity and strives to be as honest and faithful with me as I accept him to be. We each play a part in these dynamics because we are psychically connected.

The hardest thing for me to accept is that I cannot rely on him for reassurance of the existence of love between us... especially because we each have different criteria by which we measure it. It surprises me to learn that he often feels quite good about our relationship when I am worrying that it is evaporating - because he is a person who does not rely on my behaviour to reinforce his own sense of worth, desirability... loveability. That does not make him better than I am... he has his own challenges to contend with. He is just different.

What I have learned that works - is to do the last thing that I would normally be inclined to do to arrive at a greater sense of emotional security and confidence. Stop trying to find it outside of myself... period. This is kind of life taking a premature baby off of oxygen... or any other addict off of their substance of choice.

I was raised in a culture that said... If you can't get what you need from one person than there is something wrong with the other person (the new age version says that there is nothing wrong with the other person... they are just "wrong" for you!)

I found myself in a relationship with someone whom my heart feels very sure is right for me... irreplaceable - cannot be replaced even with another model with similar characteristics but upgrades in the responsive department, for example.

After years of wrestling with all of his obvious shortcomings I have discovered that I have not made him any "better" and I have not ceased cherishing him with all of his imperfections. He does not change.... much.

But there is something miraculous which happens when I stop focusing on the ways in which his incorrectly directed attention compromises my confidence. When I give my energy to activities and concerns which deeply motivate me and stir my passions... his attraction to me is enhanced - but what is most important is that I feel so much better about myself; so much clearer that he is in my life as a consequence of MY choice - regardless of whatever circumstances or appearances might incline me to think otherwise.

Yes it is annoying that your husband has a little preoccupation with "porn". It sounds as though he makes an effort not to trouble you with it since he looks at it at a time when he is thoughtfully allowing you to get a little more sleep. By the way, men's testosterone levels are at their highest first thing in the morning. Many men have some issues about "hurting the baby" or otherwise at the point in time at which their wife becomes visibly pregnant. They feel a bit "odd" being sexual with a body which is the sacramental temple housing their child to be. He may still be very sexually attracted to you, the woman, the person, but protective of the baby you are carrying, and so attempting to keep his needs met in other ways during this time.

You remind me of myself... an enneagram type 4, a romantic whose tendency is to derive a self-image from the way others treat us. The best recommendation for this is to practice the habits of an enneagram type 1 (the "perfectionist" who nonetheless has some habits which are very therapeutic for "4's" ) The book " 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" was recommended as an excellent starting place and I have found it to be exactly that. It is a book that I never would have considered looking at if I wasn't at my wits end with the results that my normal impulses consistently create.

Also there is a workshop which I took called "Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women" which was life changing as well. It helped me to understand men in a more objective way to where many of the behaviours which I used to interpret in such a way as to feel demoralized now amaze me when I understand how they originate in a completely different orientation to life. The workshop also teaches effective ways to initiate communication with men that can create trust and the probability of fulfillment for both of you in your long term relationship.

Look that up on the internet (Google) to see if it seems like something you may need.

Good luck to both of you. I send you best wishes for deeper and more fulfilling love to create the happy home that you both want for one another and your children.